Klavan On The Culture

October 30th, 2009 7:44 am

And The CNN Winners Are…

All right, so, clearly, I forgot to explain the all-important Don’t-Be-Funnier-Than-Klavan Rule. I’ll overlook the transgression this time, but don’t let it happen again. No, seriously, many of the reader entries in the CNN New Slogan Contest were hilarious. It almost makes me wish I were a liberal so I could give everyone a prize to promote his self-esteem. Unfortunately, I’m a conservative and believe that competition fosters excellence… so it’s time to announce who will win… The Blitzy.

Yes, our top three contributors will receive this lovely statuette depicting The Serpent of Ideology Devouring the Children of Truth… an exact replica of Wolf Blitzer’s moral compass.

For the entry that made me spray my coffee all over the place in a spit-take reminiscent of early Jim Carrey films, the Blitzy goes to: #39 Erik Larsen: “CNN, the number one name in . . . . oh look – balloon boy!!!” To be fair, this could apply to just about every television news operation. Still, I’m here to be amused.

For pure cleverness, a statuette to: #70 Sioux Lady: “Hear no news. Speak no news. Cee No News – CNN.” I tried to get something like that to work but couldn’t do it. Sioux’s effortless solution left me bitter and envious. I’m filling a bucket with pig’s blood and waiting for the prom!

And for combining wit with precision and accuracy, the Blitzy to: #29 Rick Zalon, “CNN: We beat the Sham-Wow guy with the coveted 18-54 demo in the 3 am timeslot!” Yes, I’ll just bet they did.

To everyone else, well done. I really did get a lot of laughs, which is why I’m here. Have a good weekend and Happy Halloween.

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33 Comments

1. Alex:

Erik Larsen?

The comic book creator?

Hmm.

Oct 30, 2009 - 4:04 pm 2. Gaffe Prices:

Shore was a lot of fun. Thanks. Perfect ice-breaker for the holiday season.

Oct 30, 2009 - 6:53 pm 3. Pajamas Media » And the CNN Slogan Contest Winners Are …:

[...] Read the entire piece here. [...]

Oct 30, 2009 - 11:59 pm 4. Larry D. Crumbley:

Hello,
Andrew should love this one. CNN-”C”-CRAPPY, “N”–NEWS, “N”—NETWORK. Enough said on that subject. Craptaculous.

Thanks,
Larry D. Crumbley

Oct 31, 2009 - 2:46 am 5. the friendly grizzly:

I guess I am too late, but I was rattling this around in my head yesterday: “We resort*, you deride! CNN.”

* to half-truths

Oct 31, 2009 - 3:50 am 6. LeighB:

I enjoyed the column and the comments and would like to nominate the following for Honorable Mentions and 2 Sham-Wows:

#17 BLE “We report, you disperse”

#23 Ivan Counterclockwise News Network-Everything we do turns left.

#135 Shiner CNN: Last place, and smug about it!

#163 Butters Dad CNN-We jump the shark every hour, on the hour.

Oct 31, 2009 - 4:50 am 7. Kerry:

Hmm…how did I miss this? Perhaps, “CNN! We distort. We deride.”

Oct 31, 2009 - 5:11 am 8. Jettboy:

CNN (Crappy Nitwit Narcissists): The number one news for gangbangers, fema-Nazis, political hacks, and terrorists.

I’ll take the power of truth over truth to power.

Oct 31, 2009 - 5:52 am 9. mike baron:

Was it Erik Larsen, creator of the Savage Dragon? Erik! I did not know you were bodacious!

Oct 31, 2009 - 6:10 am 10. bibio44:

“All right, so, clearly, I forgot to explain the all-important Don’t-Be-Funnier-Than-Klavan Rule. ”

You want funny, Andrew? You’re blogging for a site that was forced to rewrite a headline because of an uproar from readers when it labeled neo-Nazis “far, far right.” Have a great weekend!

Oct 31, 2009 - 7:35 am 11. Tweets that mention Klavan On The Culture » And The CNN Winners Are… -- Topsy.com:

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by PJTV, Kurtis Marsh and PajamasMedia, Roger Simon. Roger Simon said: PJM: Andrew Klavan Picks the CNN Slogan Contest Winners: New catchphrase for the network suffering from droopy ratings. http://ow.ly/y0t9 [...]

Oct 31, 2009 - 7:42 am 12. uberVU - social comments:

Social comments and analytics for this post…

This post was mentioned on Twitter by PJTV: PJM: Andrew Klavan Picks the CNN Slogan Contest Winners: New catchphrase for the network suffering from droopy ratings. http://ow.ly/y0t8…

Oct 31, 2009 - 7:42 am 13. Tregonsee:

CNN, The Most Busted Name In News!

Oct 31, 2009 - 8:09 am 14. WillDoMathForFood:

Or, to borrow a bread crumb trail from Kerry @ 7, how about “CNN: We report. You agree.”?

Oct 31, 2009 - 8:53 am 15. zeoman:

How bout a new contest for various CNN anchor promo’s?
“Anderson Cooper 360-Cable’s Top Teabagging (Teabaggee?) Investigator!!!

Oct 31, 2009 - 8:57 am 16. Delia:

Congrats to the winners!!!

Interesting choice of statues there, Andrew. lol

Oct 31, 2009 - 9:48 am 17. Delia:

“It almost makes me wish I were a liberal…”

EWW. You did NOT say that.

Oct 31, 2009 - 9:50 am 18. Allende:

Art experts (proving Michelangelo correct — and who knew more about sculpture?) now believe that the ancient statute was re-assembled wrong after its discovery. The Laocoon’s arms should not be in in resistance, but thrown up in despair.

Oct 31, 2009 - 10:12 am 19. Erik Larsen:

Naw, I’m not the comic book guy – just some schlepp from north of the 49th parallel (just like Jim Carrey [And the incredible Leslie Neilsen, who by the way is brother of the former Deputy Prime Minister of Canada]).

PS – thanks for the info Allende – I loved the Michelangelo statue of the Laocoön, and I never knew that tidbit of interesting info!

Is Pelosi’s jet being dispatched to bring me to the awards ceremony? I promise not to ask the pilot to take me on a victory lap around the Statue of Liberty on the way to the banquet . . . . .

Oct 31, 2009 - 10:35 am 20. Ellen K:

CNN: Making the News Palatable for the White House while ignoring the facts.

Oct 31, 2009 - 10:38 am 21. Erik Larsen:

Whoops – showing my own ignorance sorry Allende – I mean I loved the story of Michelangelo and the statue of the Laocoön!

Oct 31, 2009 - 11:00 am 22. Donna V.:

Hearty claps for the winners!

That thread was lots of fun, Andrew. PJM should have more contests along similiar lines. The leftists are providing us with plenty of material.

Oct 31, 2009 - 11:42 am 23. Dan:

OK, so that wasn’t comic book creator Erik Larsen – but Mike Baron, are you comic book creator Mike Baron?

Oct 31, 2009 - 1:26 pm 24. Sioux Lady:

Erik Larsen – Don’t fly Northwest Airlines (which company will soon belong to Pelosi & Co.) to the ceremony or you could wind up deplane-ing in the middle of the Atlantic!

Oct 31, 2009 - 3:32 pm 25. Gozer the Carpathian:

*Chuckles*

I didn’t notice the “Cee No Evil” one. Glad it won! It was fun just seeing all the entries, good to know you actually picked out winners and not just a one off just for fun thread.

Oct 31, 2009 - 4:40 pm 26. scott:

Awwww shucks! I missed it.

My entry would have been: CNN … even Jane Fonda gave up on it.

Oct 31, 2009 - 5:06 pm 27. Patrick1:

Next up MSNBC!

Oct 31, 2009 - 8:17 pm 28. Josh:

MSNBC: The Number One News Source with Keith Olbermann on it!

MSNBC: Even we can’t understand why we’re still on the air.

MSNBC: The Fox News for Race-Baiting Hate Mongers!

MSNBC: Give us ten minutes, we’ll mention Rush Limbaugh 20 times!

MSNBC: Mistaking black men with guns for white racists since 2009!

MSNBC: We don’t even believe ourselves anymore, but we’re entertaining as heck!

MSNBC: Mostly Sucking Noam & Barack’s c**ks.

Nov 1, 2009 - 10:32 am 29. Gaffe Prices:

MSNBC- we lap up the leftover vomit from former CNN viewers

we at MSLSD consider the stuff with blood in it to be a real delicacy; we call it vomit tartar. Yeah, that’s it, we’re (the) Vomit Tartars!

MSLSD (formerly MSNBC), we conjure, you conspire.

MSNBC, Obama is a god, bow to his image and perform the pieties.

Nov 1, 2009 - 2:44 pm 30. archenemy » “I did not know you were bodacious!”:

[...] comic coincidences in my blog reading over the weekend: at Pajamas Media, in the comments of this post, a commenter who turns out not to be comic creator Erik Larsen, and one who just might be comic [...]

Nov 1, 2009 - 6:17 pm 31. Gaffe Prices:

I do concede to the winner though, Erik Larsen; let’s face it, he nailed it on the first try. I thought I could do it after I warmed up a bit, but by then it was already too late.

Nov 2, 2009 - 3:18 am 32. SourKRAUT:

I missed it!!!

CNN: Now Commercial Free!

Nov 2, 2009 - 7:08 am 33. Erik Larsen:

I concede to Sioux Lady – I think hers was better than mine.

Much like the Nobel Committee, Klavan is charitably giving me propz to “encourage future efforts”.

Nov 3, 2009 - 4:55 pm