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Jules Crittenden has accepted al-Qaeda's invitation to journalists to submit questions to Ayman al-Zawahiri, but with one caveat: "I will post my questions on this shamelessly pro-Crusader forum, where your donkey wallah messengers might see them and convey them to you."

It’s the opportunity of a lifetime for an ink-stained wretch like me. No. 2 has consented to an interview. No, not that No. 2. Ayman al-Zawahri, deputy to the real-life Imam Evil himself. Here’s the AP:

CAIRO, Egypt – Al-Qaida has invited journalists to send questions to its No. 2 figure Ayman al-Zawahri, the first time the terror network has offered an “interview” with one of its top leaders since the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks in the United States.

The invitation – issued by Al-Sahab, the group’s media arm on an Islamic militant Web site – is the latest in al-Qaida’s increasingly sophisticated efforts to get out its message. Al-Sahab has dramatically increased the number of messages it has issued this year, and its videos have shown more complex production.

The statement, first posted Sunday, invites “individuals, agencies and all media” to submit written questions for al-Zawahri by sending them to the Islamic Web forums where Al-Sahab traditionally posts its messages.

Al-Sahab asked the forums to send it the questions “by the letter, with no changes or substitutions, no matter whether they agree or disagree (with the question).”

OK. Sounds fair. I should point out that as a rabidly and openly anti-terrorist, Bush-supporting Western scribbler … a rare beast, let me assure you … I’m pretty much what you’re looking for, Ayman. Maybe a little short on star power and name recognition, but you’ll have to agree I’m no sap for those incompetents in Congress who have such trouble following your instructions. Plus, I have the added benefits of having gone with the Crusaders when they began their campaign of war crimes in Iraq, of being widely denounced as a war criminal and international art thief, myself, and of having been unabashed in my support of the Christian dogs ever since. It could work. Think about it.

One thing, though. I really don’t care to do business with Islamic terrorists or your Web lackeys, and prefer not to shake even electronically your filthy, bloodstained hands any more than you care to touch mine. So here’s a compromise. I will post my questions on this shamelessly pro-Crusader forum, where your donkey wallah messengers might see them and convey them to you. You answer via your satellite flunkies at al-Jazeera. Deal?

To the questions. I asked my readers for their suggestions, and will start with those.

RebeccaH: Mr. Z, how long do you think it will be before the U.S. military catches up with your sorry ass?

Uh … awkward one, Becks. Let’s not give him any openings like that. You know as well as I do at the current rate, Al-Zed and Osama are just as likely to die peacefully in their cave.

Bloc: What has he done to rule out the possibility that the voice he hears from Allah – the one that tells him it’s okay to slaughter women and children in his cause – isn’t merely a figment of his imagination?

Yeah, I’m sure he’s on psychotropic drugs for the voices … come on, Bloc. You guys are making me look bad.

Ben: What’s so sophisticated about posting questions and answers on a web site?

Sorry, Ben. That’s a question for the Associated Press, which has been highly impressed with al-Qaeda’s use of sophisticated devices such as the video camera and techniques such as the staged interview. Wait a minute, doesn’t that make the hated Bush propaganda lackeys at FEMA increasingly sophisticated? Never mind. Moving on …

Tanstaafl: You sure that’s not “increasingly desperate”? Or maybe Al Z’s feeling lonely and ignored and he hasn’t gotten enough people lately interested in blowing themselves up for “the cause” ? An Al Z Q and A would be like “Ask The Imam.”

Ha! Tanstaafl, you’re a card. But that’s a comment, not a question.

TheRealJeffS: You ought to give him a call, Jules, interview him, and write up an article. Maybe you can win the Pulitzer, eh?
Why not? The Goreacle‚Ñ¢ won the Nobel for scamming a lot of people…..you could do the same, only on a smaller scale.

Thanks for pointing out the dead end that is my career, JeffS.

I’m obviously going to have to do this myself. No beating around the bush, how are the wives and kids, etc. I’ll go straight to my questions:

1) Mr. al-Zawahri, how do you sleep at night?

No, I’m not talking about the haunting cries of the thousands of innocents slain in America, Britain, Spain, and Bali, infidels as well as Muslims, or the tens of thousands of murdered Muslims in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Algeria … Christ, that’s a long list, and I’m nowhere near done… that must echo in your head at night, if you have a soul and a conscience. I have to presume you lack either.

I mean in the cave. Those places don’t look so comfortable. Lumpy and cold. Especially in winter. I’ve slept in rough huts, tents, outside, in the snow, rain and cold myself a few times. Got to be hard at your age.

I’m sensing a suffer/sacrifice-for-Allah answer coming on. Very righteous. However …

2) If this is true, would it not in fact be more righteous, chalk up better martyrdom points, to suffer and sacrifice in a CIA black detention site, in Algeria or perhaps Bulgaria? The infidel Americans greatly admire the suffering of the filthy pig of a senator John McCain because he endured torture, and they loathe Guantanamo. Might this tactic not win more converts to Islam?

3) A godless agent of Shaitan has described how a committed jihadi, someone of your acquaintance I believe, one abu Zubaydah, was visited by Allah in his cell, and instructed by said deity to start singing like a bird.

Given abu Zubaydah’s rank and what you know about him, does this raise concerns for you about a) jihadi commitment levels, b) Allah, or c) getting waterboarded yourself?

Anticipating an “infidel propaganda and lies” reply, let me then ask whether in fact, in the 2004 period, numerous operations of righteous jihad were in fact disrupted–operations about which abu Zippity-doo-dah might have had knowledge.

4) Which gets us to a big one. Where is the follow-on? 9/11 is six years past, and we’re still waiting. Of course there have been numerous horrible tragedies. Hundreds killed in Bali, Madrid and London. While these may have been the lackeys of the Great Satan, still no hit in that place which is the source of so much injustice in the world. Nothing approaching the mass slaughter of men, women and children on that day, or anything like its impact upon the world.

5) Do embarrassments like shoebomber Richard Reid, the Fort Dix plotters, Jose Padilla, the South Carolina fireworks enthusiasts, the self-immolating British airport crashers, David Hicks and John Walker Lindh, to name a few, actually represent the cream of the crop? How hard is it to find good jihadi help these days?

6) Did you find the video of al-Zarqawi fumbling with the machine gun as funny as we did? Also, the big cross of fire and smoke on the gun camera vid when he was so righteously martyred! Ha ha ha! … oh, sorry. I know its a touchy subject.

7) Speaking of Iraq, Omar al-Baghdadi has been revealed to be a fraud created to give al-Qaeda in Iraq the appearance of Iraqi leadership. Did you consider employing sophisticated computer-generated-image techniques to lend more verisimilitude to this character?
While we’re on the subject, I know it’s all Crusader propaganda, bribed tribes of Anbar, blah blah blah, but what the heck is going on in Iraq? That’s supposed to be the big Jihad magnet, but it’s nothing but a martyrdom pit! What is the state of Islam when occupied Muslims, once so stalwart against the pork-gobbling intruders, allow themselves to be bought off thusly?

9) Sorry to get stuck on Iraq, but I really am curious. I know the Koran condemns the killing of women and children in war. We could dicker all day about that. What does the Koran have to say about purposefully murdering Muslim women and children in marketplaces, on playgrounds?

10) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is of course a filthy idol-worshipping Shiite, a ridiculous goat of a Mahdist end-timer, and yet has provided aid and comfort to al-Qaeda as it has suited his purposes, and shares al-Qaeda’s goal of humiliating the West. What has been the extent of Iran’s cooperation with al-Qaeda?

11) Saddam Hussein was a filthy alcohol-swilling atheist and blasphemer, despite his laudable slaughter of many idol-worshipping Shiites and delightful nose-thumbing at the United States. His regime’s documents reveal that al-Zarqawi received medical treatment for his Afghan war wounds in Baghdad before the U.S. invasion and that Saddam’s agents were in contact with al-Qaeda. Where did you envision this relationship going, especially after the fall of the paradise that was the Taliban’s Afghanistan, and in light of the pending failure of sanctions had the United States not invaded Iraq?

12) The Democratic Congress of the United States has been as big a disappointment to anti-war dhimmi as it has been to you, failing to follow your instructions. Many, even al-Murtha, are beginning to acknowledge the blasphemous lie of Crusader success in Iraq. Clearly, given the absurdities of the infidel political system, what you require is a new president. Which candidate or candidates most closely adhere to al-Qaeda’s agenda?

13) Given the unlikelihood of an Islamic takeover of the West (not counting western Europe), do you believe you have advanced the cause of Islam, or succeeded in further isolating Islam and rendering it distasteful to the pool of potential Western converts?

14) Have you in any way improved the lot of Muslims in what are presently Muslim nations (Not counting the liberation from tyranny, democratic votes, and potential for education and economic development brought by invasions that you prompted.) and has the failure of the West to indiscriminately persecute Muslims as a result of your actions been a disappointment? If I may take the question forward: Given the gross unpopularity of extreme measures imposed by al-Qaeda and its affiliates in parts of Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan when you have exercised some level of control there … and the current high level of martyrdom in those places … under what circumstances do you expect to restore the Caliphate, and what will life under the Caliphate look like?

So many questions, and I’ve probably already asked too many. One last, please.

15) Based on your own scholarship of Islam, please describe exactly what is the penalty for someone who perverts Islam, blasphemes, violates the laws of the Koran, and presumes to speak for the Prophet Mohammed and even Allah the Merciful? In this world and the next?

Please remember, Web jihadis, these questions are to be passed along as they are, “by the letter, with no changes or substitutions,” no matter whether you agree or disagree.

Jules Crittenden blogs at Forward Movement.

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