Ask Dr. Helen: Do Husbands Owe Wives Post-Childbirth ‘Push Presents?’
A recent survey found 55% of pregnant mothers expected a "push present" from their husband. Is it appropriate and what does it say about a woman who insists on getting such a gift?
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Today, a married reader writes in to share his disgust of “push presents”:
Dr. Helen,
My wife has recently informed me that husbands are now expected to give their wives “push presents.” Quite frankly, the idea and the term disgust me. She is not pregnant, nor is she materialistic, shallow, or prone to feeling entitled to anything. To the contrary, she is an exceptional woman, and I don’t believe she was motivated to tell me this out of materialism. Thus, I found this somewhat out of character for her. I tried to convey my disgust to her, but she just did not seem to understand what I found so offensive about the idea.
To me the very term “push present” evokes materialism and a confusion of priorities at such a momentous time. It also seems to elevate the role of mother over the role of father right from the start. No doubt pregnancy is much harder on women than it is on the men that support them through it, but the idea that she is entitled to a gift (which is not the true spirit of gift giving) is just odious to me. It is likely that I would have been moved to give her a token gift as a celebration of her becoming a mother if and when that ever happened. However, as for now, I just don’t feel that way given the context in which I have learned about the practice. It seems like something right out of that model of aspirational female behavior, Sex in the City.
I am not asking you to agree with anything I have said, and it is possible that I have this all wrong. I am just looking to hear that someone I don’t know personally at least understands my point of view even if she does not necessarily agree with it. You have written about issues that are at least tangential to this subject, so I thought you might be interested in it.
Dear Reader,
First, let’s start with what might have motivated your wife to bring up the idea of push presents and then I will give you my thoughts on men giving women push presents in general. You allude to the fact that you do not yet have children (gleaned from your statement, “if and when that ever happened”) and I wonder if your wife brought up the “push presents” to get a sense of how you would feel about having kids in the near future. When she heard how upset and offended you were about the “push presents” (with good reason, I might add), she may have responded in a manner not characteristic of her because she felt that you were not responsive — that is, your statements about the “push presents” may have represented to her that you did not want her to become a mother at this time and she was hurt or upset or both.
I don’t know if the above fits your situation but it is something to consider, given that you say she is exceptional and is generally a caring person. That said, maybe she does think “push presents” are a good idea — and you asked for my opinion, which is as follows:
Apparently there are a number of women who, like your wife feel that push presents are expected for having children:
That’s “push” as in, “I the mother, having been through the wringer and pushed out this blessed event, hereby claim my reward.” Or “push” as in, “I’ve delivered something special and now I’m pushing you, my husband/boyfriend, to follow suit…”
A recent survey of more than 30,000 respondents by BabyCenter.com found that 38 percent of new mothers received a gift from their mate in connection with their child. Among pregnant mothers, 55 percent wanted one. About 40 percent of both groups said the baby was ample reward.
Well, at least a number of women felt the baby was enough. My problem is with the sense of entitlement. Should a present be expected? I say, “hell, no.” A husband is expected to be supportive of his pregnant wife, and help her with things like maybe going out and getting her some favorite foods, or rubbing her back or feet if they hurt, showing up for the birth to lend support, and of course, taking care of the baby afterward. But a husband should not be expected to give some kind of gift to pay his wife off for having their child, something that sounds so utterly unfeminist and dishonest, I don’t even know where to begin.
What a woman is saying when she expects a gift is that sex — and by extension, child-bearing — must be compensated by a man. This exchange boils down to legal prostitution (nothing wrong with prostitution in my book, but call a spade a spade). The problem here lies in the fact that wives who want this type of exchange often think of themselves as above being a prostitute, but indeed, they are not — they are just dishonest prostitutes who are pretending to be something else. And what about the act of paying for children? A diamond in exchange for a child? Isn’t this a little sick? And if this kind of exchange is okay for women, why not for men?
Perhaps husbands should start expecting “pro-presents” when they get a promotion — wives should be expected to get hubby a new car or perhaps some kind of fun technology he has been wanting, that new big screen TV
If women find the above suggestions insulting, then think how men might feel when women expect gifts from them for having their children. Something that is precious, amazing and part of the human experience has now been turned into a business transaction. Any man who feels pressured into giving a push present either has low self-esteem and/or fears his wife or perhaps the wife is just taking advantage of his chauvinistic attitude — he sees women as bearers of children who have to be reimbursed for their suffering. Neither of these is a good attitude to have in a marriage. In an equal partnership, there would be a sense that having kids is a shared activity, not something that one suffering partner does and the other reimburses her for. What happened to being a loving partner who does not expect her partner to pay her off for having sex and then kids? Surely that should not be too much to ask.
I understand that for some women, having kids is hard and painful, but so is passing a kidney stone and I doubt the majority of women think they should get diamonds for that (or maybe they do). And certainly, if a man voluntarily wants to give a nice gift to his wife for becoming a mother, that’s sweet, just as it is sweet to present the husband with a gift voluntarily for becoming a dad, but it is the expectation that one is to be reimbursed for the act of child-birth that is troubling here.
So readers, what do you think of “push presents”? If male, should husbands be giving gifts to their wives as payment for having kids or, if female, do you feel entitled to a “push present” from your husband, and if so, why?
________________________________
If you have a question you would like answered, please leave it below or email me at askdrhelen@hotmail.com. Your questions may be edited for length and clarity. Please note that your first name only or no name at all will be used to identify your question — if you want me to use your name, tell me, otherwise you will be referred to by your first name or as “a reader,” etc.
Helen Smith is a psychologist specializing in forensic issues in Knoxville, Tennessee, and blogs at drhelen.blogspot.com. This advice column is for educational and entertainment purposes only and does not purport to replace therapy or psychological treatment.
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108 Comments
KG2V:11 years ago, when my daughter was born, I guess I bought my wife a “Push present”. Never heard it called that, it’s just something I wanted to do, and my wife yelled at me for doing it! (why are you spending money) - anyway, the other women thought it was a nice idea. Me? I was looking for an excuse to by my wife some perls, as unlike most women, by wife hates if I buy her Jewelry for most gifts
Guys - I’m sorry if I started a trend - it wasn’t intended that way
May 8, 2008 - 2:11 am Marc:I keep wondering to myself, where are people getting the money to do all this? As if having a baby isn’t expensive enough, I have to drop 1-2K in jewelry? Insanity. Our culture is bankrupt, and by extension, our finances are becoming bankrupt. This pursuit of the almighty “thing” disgusts me. Furthermore, the fact that this “thing” has to be associated with an event that most call a miracle, shows how spiritually low we have become. Gotta have the McMansion, gotta have the bigger car, gotta have the perfect kids, gotta have the biggest rock. Do people notice that once one thirst is quenched, it’s not long before another pops up?
May 8, 2008 - 5:02 am Boris:Hey, I didn’t get a “thrust present.”
Please don’t tell my wife I said that.
May 8, 2008 - 5:20 am TK:I’m a woman and wouldn’t expect one. My mother, KG2V, is like your wife; she very rarely wants jewelry for presents. Too expensive, I guess.
May 8, 2008 - 5:51 am Mommynator:I’m laughing heartily.
When we had our kids, we were so broke, my husband could barely afford flowers and I didn’t care whether I got those or not.
We had the absolute most wonderful joy in the new little person we managed to create together and bring into the world. What more do you need?
These women need a swift kick upside the head if they believe they should get a gift or reward for everything they’re SUPPOSED to be doing.
You guys who WANT to give a gift should. If you can’t or don’t, don’t sweat it.
May 8, 2008 - 5:56 am Bee Bee:I’d be with KG2V’s wife, annoyed with my husband for spending money when we’d just had a baby. But then, I’m usually able to think of better uses for our money than expensive presents for me. Must be a lack of estrogen.
May 8, 2008 - 5:59 am Pinkie Ann LeBrainne:A good girdle would be a nice “push present” for the wife who demands it.
May 8, 2008 - 6:01 am Lord Whorfin:Dr Helen: I think you nailed it right on the nose.
May 8, 2008 - 6:02 am Peter Ingemi:Remember Bill Cosby’s take- the most excruciating pain EVER is when a man keeps his arm around his date’s shoulders at the movies for the entire film! I myself have only experienced a fifteen-twenty minute stretch, and can testify- NO MAS!! I hid the money in the…….
I’m not a believer in requred gifts.
However I’m a huge believer in the unexpected batch of flowers for no particular reason. You can usually find a shop that has a cash and carry deal. You can get some nice flowers (ignore long stem red, be creative) for the cost of a beer at a local bar.
Do this at unexpected time for no particular reason, it will result in the following:
1. A happy wife
2. Insurance for when you do something foolish which you will do sometime. Instead of a $100 i’m sorry you will have paid $20 in little reminders.
3. A happy you, it is amazing how plesant it is to do that nice thing.
4. If you have kids it will implant the idea of appreciating your wife.
5. It will help during little tough times,its a simple morale booster.
6. Shall we say a woman tend to show appreciation more when they are appreciated.
Although it will likely not happen to you, it has resulted in my wife saying “don’t buy me flowers on mothers day/valentines day because they are overpriced” This wiil save money.
I’m convinced that many marriages fall apart due to unrealistic expectation and the inability to cope with little adversities. These things can make a huge difference. “Requred” gifts are not gifts they are rules to be followed and rules stink. Try this method and make your own rules
May 8, 2008 - 6:07 am Retread:My impression is that this was a late-Victorian era custom that died out by the the thirties or forties. My great-aunt had a pin she wore frequently and I found out her husband gave it to her when my cousin was born. She said every time she put it on she thought of both of them. Nice idea. But presents aren’t presents when they’re demanded or required.
May 8, 2008 - 6:07 am Passerby:I bought my wife a big ol’ ugly Sears Big Man recliner chair and the best-reviewed, most recommended breast pump that cost about half again more than the standard model.
The recliner went into our room, over her design-centered protests - I figured she (and I) got about 400 extra hours of sleep over the first year and a half while she was nursing because she was in a big, comfy chair that was safe.
The better breast pump saved her a bunch of hassles which the cheaper model - the one she picked out - would have caused.
As for a “push present” … she was damn happy when I showed up with a plate of nachos from a good mexican restaurant near the hospital once she was back in the room and our child was sleeping.
So was I.
-
May 8, 2008 - 6:08 am H:How in the world do you people (men) put up with these spoiled creatures?
May 8, 2008 - 6:24 am TomJW:A ‘push present’? I thought the father of the child wasn’t involved when it was only a fetus. It was all her body and she made the decisions.
May 8, 2008 - 6:28 am john:Or do you give push presents only to artificially inseminated baby carriers?
If it is demanded or asked for, it is a horrible idea. Like most people, when my wife and I had a child there were more important things to spend money on.
All for it. I vote for moving the sense of entitlement fight to another venue as both babies and presents are very cool things.
May 8, 2008 - 6:34 am BooBoo:If a gift is EXPECTED AND REQUIRED then it’s not a gift, it’s extortion. However, being the nice guy that I am I did get my wife a wicker rocking chair that she had her eye on. She got me a card. We were both satisfied.
May 8, 2008 - 6:35 am Chris:I required no gift for being cut open to retrieve our daughters. I was sooo happy I didn’t have to push! What I did expect, and voiced the expectation, was a ring with our daughters’ birthstones. I ended up getting individual gemstone rings which will be passed to them when they are 21. I now have earrings to match the 1st daughter’s ring, but with the 2nd one being a Ruby stone, the earrings will have to wait until after we build our new home.
I agree, child birth shouldn’t be “paid for”. I more appreciated Hubster taking the time off of work once we got home from the C-sections. What good would a jeweled piece have done me if he went back to work immediately?
May 8, 2008 - 6:43 am funky chicken:Although it will likely not happen to you, it has resulted in my wife saying “don’t buy me flowers on mothers day/valentines day because they are overpriced” This wiil save money.
I’m convinced that many marriages fall apart due to unrealistic expectation and the inability to cope with little adversities. These things can make a huge difference. “Requred” gifts are not gifts they are rules to be followed and rules stink. Try this method and make your own rules
May 8, 2008 - 6:07 am
I tell my husband the same thing. Go on the day after Valentine’s Day–50% off!
Great response Dr. Helen.
May 8, 2008 - 6:44 am Suze:I’m pregnant and due in a few more weeks. I can’t imagine any gift greater than having a healthy baby and of course the great relief it will be to have my little kicking linebacker on the OUTSIDE of my body. Its ironic because I’m just missing my first mothers day but I’ve actually started looking for gifts for my husband because the baby’s due right before Father’s Day! Here’s hopin we make it, so he has his very first father’s day this summer!
May 8, 2008 - 6:52 am TN_Dad:Never heard of “push presents.” We’ve avoided the gift-giving scene for the 25 years we’ve been married. Other than a couple of occasions when we gave each other something for holidays through the guise of “the kids,” and an occasional surprise DVD or CD, we’ve stuck to either buying what we need directly, or shopping together and convincing the “giftee” that the purchase should be made.
Much easier and fun this way, but not as good for the revenues of retailers and the flower/card companies. Plus, if one of us ever does get the other a new car or something similar, it will really be a surprise!
May 8, 2008 - 6:58 am Mike:It she demanded a push present from me then she is clearly not valuing her child.. The only right thing to do at this point is to divorce and seek child custody. It wouldn’t be right to subject any child with a mother like that.
May 8, 2008 - 6:59 am Redhead Infidel:As a woman with three children, I am heartily opposed to push presents. Though I’d never heard of ‘em until today, I formed my opinion very rapidly.
I don’t like trinkets - even expensive ones. I’d rather put the money toward a family trip. (I will say, though, that the best gift I ever got from my hubby was a Glock 19 for my 35th birthday. Now I’m dropping hints for a lovely Kimber.)
This year, I’m having a really hard time helping my poor husband think of gift ideas for Mother’s Day this weekend. I told him I’d be thrilled with a HOMERUN from my son (it doesn’t get any better than that, does it?!), and I already know my daughter made something at school. In fact, we’ll be at a baseball tourney this weekend, and won’t have time for breakfast in bed (eating in bed is always awkward, but I grin and bear it for the sake of the kids).
I think Peter is 100% correct, and Passerby cracked me up with the revered Gift of Nachos. No frankincense and myrrh here, we’ve got NACHOS!
May 8, 2008 - 6:59 am Nahanni:Boris,
“Please don’t tell my wife I said that.”
I won’t….
For a small stipend. 8D
May 8, 2008 - 7:03 am Some Chick:Blame WalMart. Several years ago they ran an ad where a woman is gushing about the gift she received from her husband (a birthstone ring) on the birth of their first child and how he got her birthstone wrong.. but no it was right it was the baby’s birthstone.
This isn’t driven by greedy women trying to dig everything they are entitled to from their poor beat upon men. There is clever marketing behind this. We live in a very materialistic culture and often important life events are celebrated with gifts. It seems a bit much to fault the receiver of a gift for liking the idea of getting a gift. It can just as easily be looked at as a sweet thoughtful thing, though I abhor the name “push present”.
May 8, 2008 - 7:06 am jimmy:I bought my wife a nice rocking chair when our first child was born. It wasn’t demanded but I just thought it was a nice thing to do. The chair saw much good use. “Push Present” is a new term to me though. I suspect how you respond to the idea says more about you than about the woman bearing your child.
It’s only money anyway… good for nothing except spreading disease and corruption… lol.
Asking for a ‘push present’ does seem wrong to me, though. In my mind she shouldn’t have to ask in the first place.
May 8, 2008 - 7:07 am Xanthippe:I received a very nice diamond bracelet from my husband when I gave birth to our son 12 years ago - flowers too. He gave me flowers when I gave birth to our daughter 2 years later. I recall that he felt a great deal of gratitude for what I went through in the deliveries and recoveries (the first was difficult and long, the second a scheduled C-) - he frequently expressed it.
He’s a man who enjoys giving gifts, a wonderful father and supportive spouse. When he’s received work promotions, I’ve bought him gifts or encouraged him to buy something he’s had his eye on - why not? He deserves it.
Expecting a present is a surefire way to be disappointed, no matter what the occasion. Gifts ought to be given freely or not at all.
I cannot imagine being married to anyone who did not show his appreciation, or who I did not want to show appreciation to.
May 8, 2008 - 7:07 am Astra:I think y’all are over-analyzing the situation. This sounds to me a lot like a new marketing ploy, like the “right hand diamond ring.” Just say no so we can nip it in the bud, but be cautious of drawing too many conclusions about the nature of today’s woman.
May 8, 2008 - 7:09 am Nicole:When my first child was born my husband gave me a beautiful bracelet, while I really wasn’t wishing for anything more than chocolate!
I didn’t consider it payment for the labor, but rather a token to commemorate such a happy event. In my eyes this bracelet represents my daughter, and I am rarely without it - as I am rarely without my wedding ring. Not for the bling factor, but because I want my family with me symbolically even when we are apart.
On my wedding day I gave my husband a watch. Should that be considered payment for marrying me?
May 8, 2008 - 7:15 am Bill Dalasio:Okay, maybe I’m going to be flamed as an out-and-out b**tard for saying this, but doesn’t this have some implications about the husband and wife’s respective levels of authority? I mean if the wife has been compensated for her role, then it strikes me that, in making decisions about the child’s rearing, the mother’s authority already been “bought out”.
May 8, 2008 - 7:17 am Concerned Citizen:There’s too much to want!
May 8, 2008 - 7:20 am Marketeer:My wife’s take on it was that the months of morning sickness and general discomfort, swollen feet and bed rest was worth it, because at the end she got a beautiful present - our child. How could anything that I could buy compete with that?
May 8, 2008 - 7:21 am Winghunter:If the mother expects this ludiculous ‘present’ then she didn’t want the child in the first place and/or she has some serious issues of maturity and priorities to deal with.
Of course, if you teach your daughters nothing but princess principles, that may be all she ever knows as an adult….my God, how far into the abyss will we allow ourselves to sink to.
Raise your children by being parents.
May 8, 2008 - 7:22 am hnkn:Funny to hear others’ views on this. I got my wife a mink coat on the birth of our child. I have never heard it called a “push present” or anything else. It is true that the baby is blessing enough, but the baby is also an equal blessing to me — and I had to endure much less for this blessing than did my wife. My wife was so magnificent doing what she could for the baby throughout the pregnancy and was such a trooper during a painful delivery that I felt like saying thank you. She loves our baby and loves (less and differently, obviously) her “push present”. I was just glad that our finances allowed me to thank her for all that she did.
May 8, 2008 - 7:22 am ALP:I am NOT surprised that an article about this trend includes a link to a NYT article about materialistic, elite New Yorkers. When, oh when will rich New Yorkers stop initiating trends only they can afford?
AND, how about the recent NYT article about how babies and children don’t mix with high-end accessories such as fancy furniture and expensive artwork? Doesn’t this trend just make it worse?
Good god - this is why I stopped reading the NYT years ago.
May 8, 2008 - 7:25 am Ray Clutts:In the months preceding my son’s birth nine years ago I was completely convinced (mistakenly) that we were going to have another daughter. We didn’t let our doctor tell us the baby’s sex, we only asked that he tell us that it was healthy. I think that I had some vestigal fear that asking God for both a healthy baby and one that was a boy was way over the line especially given how much I loved my daughter.
My wife asked me if I’d give her a Mercedes in return for a son I told her that it was a deal. She gave me a son and she got an E430.
I’d have been happy with another daughter but what the heck, we both got a healthy dearly loved boy and she got a lavish gift. I’m sure it’s deeply superficial but I just couldn’t welsh. But I’m still not certain that she didn’t have the doctor whisper the baby’s sex into her ear when I wasn’t around.
It’s still the best deal I’ve ever made in my life.
May 8, 2008 - 7:27 am Birdman:I thought the “push present” was what got her in that condition to begin with!
May 8, 2008 - 7:28 am Buford Gooch:Cool! I guess I no longer have to buy my wife birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day, etc. presents because they are “expected”. Thanks, Dr. Helen
May 8, 2008 - 7:32 am Paul:Does this grocery list of demands from today’s modern woman ever end? It makes me glad I’m single. If I was married, and my wife and I had a child, I would buy her something special because I love her and was happy and thankful for a healthy child, not because I was expected to buy a gift. I enjoy giving gifts for no reason other than liking/loving the recipient.
May 8, 2008 - 7:33 am Nony Mouse:When I saw “Push Presents” I thought it was a reference to political push-polls; generalized presents that someone demands for no good traditional reason. But this is at least one version of that ugly trend. I read recently about someone in Britian who demands child support, mother’s day gifts, and something on the child’s birthday because she was the kid’s mother. No word on if she gave anything to him on father’s day or on the kid’s birthday for sireing (sp) him. If she “deserves” anything, it’s that they get needed baby-related items that they don’t have yet, so that they’re set up for the baby coming home. I’m including a comfy chair on that list. But that isn’t really all about her, that’s really about the child. Which really is the one that’s had the roughest day, anyway.
May 8, 2008 - 7:35 am Wearyman:That said, when hubby got a good transfer offer, we went out to a nice dinner with wine to celebrate.
Frankly, if you wife is demanding a “push present” for having kids you need to do two things. (Assuming that you haven’t started making the kids yet)
1) Show her this article. I would suggest printing it out so she can read it at her leisure.
2) If, after #1 she STILL demands a “Push Present” then get a divorce, FAST. Hopefully you set up a pre-nup too, because she is obviously a selfish, entitled little brat who will make your life miserable with her unceasing demands upon you.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. One side should NEVER demand something of the other, unless the other is simply not pulling their weight. The sooner we all realize this the happier we will all be.
May 8, 2008 - 7:35 am Mary Anna:I’ve never asked for nor received a push present. After having birthed 3 children (no drugs at all), I need to get surgery for a little hernia repair, probably from all that pushing. So, I am getting my push present after all.
May 8, 2008 - 7:36 am Helen Smith:Hi all,
Thanks for all the great comments so far. I just want to add that I am not saying here that gifts should not be given to a wife by her husband (or vice versa). I am opposed to the idea that women are demanding these gifts from their husbands. If they are given freely, that is really nice. But to put pressure on a husband to give a wife an expensive gift as some form of payment for childbirth pain, suffering etc. is the problem that I have. For those who got nice gifts such as bracelets, birthrings for their kids etc. given freely by husbands who enjoy giving gifts, fantastic. But it is the sense of entitlement that it is owed that I personally view as a problem.
May 8, 2008 - 7:36 am Nony Mouse:Oh, yeah, and I’ve told my husband he’s not allowed to buy me flowers or chocolates on Valentine’s Day. We both tend to look for bargains a day or so afterwards, though. Because chocolate is chocolate, and chocolate is good.
May 8, 2008 - 7:45 am SAM:The thought of a gift never crossed my mind when we had our children. We were too caught up in the moment, and I was too exhausted. Frankly, after labor all I wanted was a Big Mac hamburger.
Women who demand push presents are the same women who complain that their husbands aren’t good enough, like that foul woman at Newsweek who wrote a long article two weeks ago about how to handle husbands. They’re high maintenance, selfish women who constantly demand gifts and attention and whose husbands never, in their minds, measure up. How could they?
Sure it hurts like heck to have babies. If it didn’t we wouldn’t appreciate them nearly as much. But I would think the first thing on most reasonable mothers’ minds would be that the baby is healthy and the last thing would be a payment for giving birth.
Many husbands are overwhelmed seeing what their wives have gone through, and it doesn’t surprise me that some feel they need to give their wives a present. It’s the women who hear those stories and demand similar “gifts” before giving birth that turn this into a new trend/extortion.
May 8, 2008 - 7:46 am NPS:I thought the six weeks of mandatory abstaining was “present” enough.
May 8, 2008 - 7:57 am Dave in Texas:Odd. I never heard of this, at least not by this name.
18 & 22 years ago I did give my wife a gift on both birth occasions, but I don’t recall any expectations from her. I just wanted to celebrate the occasion and also demonstrate my appreciation of her and my love for her.
May 8, 2008 - 8:02 am badfrog101:Gifts are a token of affection and a “push present” would be a welcome token at a time when a woman is facing the reality that she is extremely vulnerable and dependent on her husband. Such token would be emotionally reaffirming. Assuming you haven’t married a bimbo or gold digger, find out what she wants and why. Possible her girlfriends all got diamond bracelets in which case she wants to hold her head up among her social set. Unfathomable to us, but necessary to her. Maybe something to help with the baby a la the aforementioned giant chair. Ask some probing questions in a sensitive way, find out what she wants, and get her something that will shut her up, err, make her happy.
Some men tend to look at gifts as a quid pro quo; this is probably not the time for that.
I watched my evil sisters-in-law nudzhing their husbands for jewelry; when I saw how expensive the stuff was, I spent some time and learned to make it myself, which is way easier than it appears. Twenty dollars worth of polished rocks and findings go for hundreds of dollars at expensive stores, and serve as a reminder for a much longer time than flowers. Plus it honks off my brothers-in-law, always a good thing.
I love my wife and respect women, but they are different in some ways than men. Ook, ook. Scratch.
May 8, 2008 - 8:05 am Rohan:As a society, we tend to mark special occasions with gifts. Engagements, marriage, anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, etc. The birth of a child is a special occasion, and marking it with a gift doesn’t seem that unusual to me.
As for only giving the gift to the mother, I think it might be excessive to expect a woman who has just gone through labour to have gotten a gift for the father as well. I’d expect she has other things on her mind.
May 8, 2008 - 8:05 am fphillip:I gave birth just 10 days ago and received no gift other than my husband’s support and presence.
I think women who demand more materially are likely to be lacking relationally and wanting a sort of “make up” gift. IE, if daddy doesn’t really seem to care about mother and/or baby and is just at the hospital cause he’s expected to be, the least he could do is buy her some damn flowers or a piece of jewelry.
There are plenty of “families” where mother and father are on rocky terms at the time of the birth. In this case, caring and genuine displays of affection are much cheaper and emotionally healthier for everyone in the long run.
May 8, 2008 - 8:10 am rightwingmom:“Push presents” are a symptom of a materialistic society. How sad that the child is considered such a burden that the “mom” must be rewarded. What a sad future these babies face. Knowing that your the woman who should have had unconditional love for you had to be paid-off to get you here is pathetic. Modern Mom says, “Look darling, these are the diamond earrings that prevented me from aborting you. BTW - I love you and here
May 8, 2008 - 8:17 am Andrea:s a nickel for your therapy.”
In Rose Kennedy’s book, “Times to Remember,” she writes that Joe usually gave her a piece of jewelry after the birth of a child, and reading between the lines, one gathers it was pricey stuff.
But who wants a relationship like Joe & Rose Kennedy’s? She had her jewelry, and he had Gloria Swanson. A nice marriage of convenience.
May 8, 2008 - 8:22 am SM:This is the first I have ever heard of “push presents,” but I don’t think it’s a big deal. The EXPECTATION of a gift is rude no matter what, but I think it’s a worthy occasion FOR a gift, just as a promotion would be. I also think it’s ridiculous to act as though the gift is in exchange for or payment on a baby, or even for sex. It’s simply a gesture recognizing 9 months of physical, emotional, and mental strain that only one of the two people had to endure to bring this gift into both their lives. If you have the money and the inclination, I think it’s a great idea.
Basically, I guess what I am saying is that I agree that the expectation of a gift is generally wrong, but that it has nothing to do with prostitution or payment. Just my 2 cents.
May 8, 2008 - 8:22 am Wacky Hermit:I’ve never had or desired a “push present”. I’m with those who would rather their hubby took days off work, and those who think having the baby on the other side is present enough. In general, I find that the best present is helping me with something that’s important to me and stressing me out, although the mp3 player Hubby gave me for Christmas is really cool too, because it made my life easier. With the headphones on, I don’t hear my extraordinarily talkative son’s inane “conversation” so it doesn’t stress me out so much.
In fact the only time I have asked for a gift of jewelry was for our 10th anniversary. I told Hubby I wanted a ring in a particular style, but I didn’t much care whether it had real diamonds in it or not; CZ’s or glass were fine. I would have been happy with a $10 ring. He opted for the diamonds, bless him.
May 8, 2008 - 8:24 am Roux:Each time my wife gave birth (4 times) she got some sort of present. Flowers, new night gown, etc… Never anything really expensive because we just had a baby and didn’t have a lot of extra money.
I never heard it called a “push present”, which cheapens the whole gift giving experience.
Of course my wife knew that “we” had the baby together and that I’d be around to raise them with her. Which I have for the last 25 years.
May 8, 2008 - 8:33 am JosephineMO7:Ok I cannot disagree more. I have 6 children and during my pregnancies I get an illness called hyperemisis Gravidarum(sp?). I get severely ill whenever I eat meat milk or certain grains. I tend to be nauseous till the baby is born and I also, If I am not really careful, throw up several times a day. This has led me to be hospitalized to get fluids and such. I don’t get a push present per say but I do get my own rack of ribs and a gigantic sunday that is my own. Anyone who has a few kids knows what that means. It means a huge deal to me that finally when the baby is born I get this huge treat.
A friend of mine after she had her baby got the “push present” of a clothing spree because her pregnancy had left her unable to fit right back into her old clothes. Another got a zoo membership for herself along with memberships to a kids museum and and a science museum. Another got a birthstone necklace with her 3 kids stones in it.
I can tell you none of the men are forced to get these things but got them happily. Now if there is some overpriced tart demanding diamonds for the birth of a child then I can see that being a problem but for the most of us paycheck to paycheck-ers its nothing so extravagant as all that.
Anyhow it is better than what happened with my 5th child. A bunch of gay guys, a girl with no kids and a Childfree by choice guy took up a collection for the pregnancy and bought my husband an X-box.
May 8, 2008 - 8:44 am B. Durbin:I’m near having our first child, and quite honestly, I thought the BABY was the reward. Not sure I could put up with the discomfort if I didn’t believe that.
(Evil Rob has threatened to get me a digital SLR as a present when the baby’s born— I don’t feel a present is necessary but my, that one’s tempting.)
May 8, 2008 - 8:45 am Kohath:In general, I am against making up phony social obligations for the purposes of money transfer.
Mother’s Day is coming up. It’s a phony social obligation to get people to spend money on gifts for their Mom.
The ones that are actually traditions with a reasonable basis: Christmas and Weddings and birthdays (for kids only) are great.
Stop making up new reasons to obligate money to change hands. We’ll be generous if we’re generous. Stop asking. And certainly stop demanding.
May 8, 2008 - 8:48 am Hmmmmm:From the wikipedia link:
‘A push present (also known as a “baby mama gift” or “baby bauble”)’
I have never heard of this before, but I am going to go out on a limb and guess that this might be related to the decline of traditional marriage…
The term “baby-mama” is used to describe a woman who has your child out of wedlock, and implies a relationship which is than marriage, but has a certain level of partnership (whether due to a continuing romantic relationship, or a connection via the child.)
“Push-presents” make no sense to me in a tradtional marriage partnership (the woman may do the more difficult job, but the baby is theirs equally, the “reward” and goal in itself.)
However, in a more tenuous “baby-mama” situation, it seems to me that such a present would help to strengthen/maintain ties and show that the baby-mama was appreciated; something that would seem important, especially if that type of relationship were percieved to be less binding/permenant than traditional marriage and there was a greater chance of the father B) playing only a minor parental role in the childs life or B) dropping out completely leaving the baby-mama to raise the child by herself.
May 8, 2008 - 8:48 am Heather:This sounds really medieval. Back when marriages were political/financial arrangements, and the wife had a duty to accomdate your every sexual desire, and a greater duty to provide heirs, and most of ‘em died from the effort, you’d definately want to keep her happy with the bling.
Although rewarding your artificially-inseminated surrogate with a shiny token seems like a very sweet thing to do after she grew your family.
(P.S. Suze–you’re already a mother! Do something nice for yourself this weekend.
May 8, 2008 - 8:56 am Tari:Any time you have set expectations in a relationship of how your partner should behave or what he/she should buy you, there’s a problem. I don’t mean we shouldn’t all expect kindness and respect from our mates, but when you get into the pattern of telling yourself “if he loved me he would buy me this, or say these specific words” or “if she loved me she would do this for me” you are in trouble and need to back up and re-evaluate how you are viewing your partner and your relationship.
May 8, 2008 - 9:09 am Joe:Like Kohath, I deeply resent the social obligation of gift giving. Beyond the obvious that a mandatory gift isn’t a gift at all, it’s rather pointless to simply exchange crap. Many people say that “it’s the thought that counts”, but that’s a crock; giving someone something they don’t want means the person doing the giving doesn’t care enough to actually determine the receiver’s interests, likes and dislikes. The most memorable gifts I’ve both given and received are ones that required a lot of insight, even if I (or the other person) just stumbled upon the gift by accident.
May 8, 2008 - 9:20 am Valerie:Oh, I’ve heard of “push presents,” but not by that derisive name. I think this arises from a marketing ploy. There will always be somebody trying to persuade people to give a gift for special occasions, particularly purveyors of luxury goods, such as flowers, diamonds, and candy. I think the use of the term “push presents” gives a real clear clue to the wife’s underlying attitude in this case.
I never got any particular present in exchange for my sons, well, not if you don’t count the fixed-up room, the furniture, the clothes, the babysitters, the help with the diapers and laundry and housecleaning, and the leers at whatever body parts happened to be in good condition at the moment. Of course, there was also the college fund for each of them. And the work, let’s not forget the work. He’d come home grey with fatigue, and I’d hand him a baby, and I swear, I could see him pink up and inflate. That trick did my heart good, too.
There’s a dirty little secret that purveyors of luxury goods would rather ignore: luxury goods are by definition things you don’t need. Without the gifts of love and forbearance, courtesy and support, presents give little satisfaction. With those gifts, the satisfaction is already there. With the gifts, a present is a nice touch that a woman will appreciate and brag about to her friends for a long time.
May 8, 2008 - 9:23 am colagirl:I cannot imagine being married to anyone who did not show his appreciation, or who I did not want to show appreciation to.
I agree with this wholeheartedly.
May 8, 2008 - 9:26 am jo:Ask Dr. Helen: Do Husbands Owe Wives Post-Childbirth ‘Push Presents?’
“no they don’t”
Jo
May 8, 2008 - 9:50 am CatoRenasci:Female
When my daughters were born, 23 and 20 years ago respectively, I was happy to give my wife an unasked-for present each time of some jewelry. We thought of it as commemorative of the births, not as some sort of entitlement. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
May 8, 2008 - 9:58 am Only Once:Married 25 years, 4 kids - only gave my wife a present after our second baby was born; a week after his birth I gave her a locket with his name on it at his funeral. She rarely takes it off.
May 8, 2008 - 10:04 am Bill Dalasio:Ray Clutts,
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope, for her sake, your daughter never, ever, finds that out.
May 8, 2008 - 10:07 am colagirl:2) If, after #1 she STILL demands a “Push Present” then get a divorce, FAST.
That’s right, because everyone knows that the thing to do in marriage, *particularly* when you have a baby on the way, is never ever to try to work to resolve disagreements, find out where the roots of the problems may be coming from and work through them. Instead, whenever you have difficulties and don’t see eye to eye with your spouse, you should immediately declare the whole thing a waste, write off your spouse and future mother of your child as an irredeemable person, and call in the lawyers.
*Sigh.* And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high these days.
Oh, for the record, I think that the idea of a “push present” is tacky and a waste of money, and I can’t imagine asking for one when my husband and I eventually have children.
May 8, 2008 - 10:08 am s sommer:We were too poor to even think about gifts over 30 years ago when my kids were born.
We sold our car to pay for my son’s hospital bill & we were only in the hospital one night!
(Talk about ignorance, having kids without having any money. Licenses should be required to stop such stupidity!)
Many years later, when a friend’s husband gave her nice jewelry on the birth of their kids, I thought it was sooo romantic of him. So did she. I also admired the nice nursery they had the $ for & thought how lovely it must be to have a joyful room like that for a new baby!
Gifts are a celebration. But, it is not usually easy to find the perfect gift, for men or for women.
When a gift is truly thoughtful, it brings joy to both giver & recipient. Price is not the point.
I hope both my son & my daughter will find mates who take joy in expressing love for them, and appreciation & sentimentality, without resentment for the effort that it requires.
Both of them already know the joys of expressing love through words & actions. I feel that I have raised kind offspring, people who will be good & loving partners to someone, someday.
Graciousness in both giving & receiving builds happy memories with friends & family.
The sourness & complaining I see here means some people simply have not learned graciousness…
It probably was not demonstrated to them as they were growing up. They missed out.
May 8, 2008 - 10:26 am Mardukhai:Push presents? How about giving the guy his hair back after the delivery? My wife nearly pulled all of mine out.
Can you imagine a man, in pain, shrieking at his wife while the doctor worked, insulting, yanking — and getting away with it?
And then wanting a present?
May 8, 2008 - 10:39 am JennC:I’m not married, but when I was I never expected gifts from my spouse–I’d be embarrassed to do so! To be rewarded like a dog for a good trick? How humiliating!
May 8, 2008 - 11:16 am Thomass:I brought my wife a hydrangea, in a pot, when our daughter was born. Later I planted it in the front yard. It lived, still have it. Now it’s kinda cool. When our daughter is older I can mention how we ended up with the big (re: in another 5 years maybe) hydrangea plant in front yard.
That reminds me… Being my wife is also not very materialistic; I was able to avoid jewelry with another random mandatory gift by buying her a tree (avocado… because she likes them). Probably only will fly once (the one above was, technically, flowers), but she liked it.
May 8, 2008 - 11:17 am mylai:I’m a woman and I think it’s a cute idea and think any guy that buys his baby mama a gift for going through the pain of childbirth to bring their baby into the world is a swell guy. What’s the problem? Gifts are nice, it shows he’s appreciative of what she had to go through that he’ll - fortunately for him - never know. Nice makes nice.
May 8, 2008 - 11:18 am holdfast:Funny, my wife and I were discussing this a while ago (no kids yet) and I asked her if she’d be pissed if I got her a personal trainer to help her get back in shape once she’d had a kid. She thought it was a great idea, as long as I provided child-minding while she went to the gym. Seems like a fair deal for all - we’ll see if it works out in practice.
May 8, 2008 - 11:22 am mylai:holdfast,
you are, quite simply, awesome. your wife is a lucky woman
May 8, 2008 - 11:44 am Davy:Just another reason(in an ever-growing list)of my literal “101 Reasons Why I’m Not Married(Yet)” for not being married, at the age of 45(on 05/18/08). I frankly have come to believe that 80% of American women, at least, are emotionally retarded and are pricing themselves COMPLETELY out of the marriage market - legally, financially, cost-v-benefit emotionally, and etc. to infinity. They are not even worth dating, as the potential cost of mere association with them is too high.
The immediate reaction to an account like this poor fellow’s (apparently getting the first clue that his wife is a stealth leech)being told by his wife that she feels she deserves to be PAID for the “privilege” of him having a child borne by her(perhaps she’ll abort if she doesn’t feel he will be forth-coming?)makes me laugh, snort, and PRAISE GOD He has spared me this, in about that order…This is the kind of attitude in women that give them the reputation amongst the lower life forms of males that “all women are different degrees of prostitute”, and deserve to be disrespected.
May 8, 2008 - 11:48 am Mamas&Daughters:Why is everyone so riled up about this of a sudden? Must be the “new,” offensive name. My mother got one from my father when I was born in 1966, and while I doubt it was called a “push present,” the idea was the same. And yes, I received one from my husband. My mother treasures hers, and I treasure mine.
Did I expect one? Well. My husband and I mark joyous occasions with a gift - small or large, depending - our wedding, our milestone anniversaries and birthdays, etc. What could be more joyous, or more significant, than giving birth to a child? If the words “thank you” are appropriate, a gift isn’t inappropriate, don’t you think?
One day my daughter will wear the earrings her father gave me the day she was born. I hope she appreciates that, and understands the joy with which they were given and received.
May 8, 2008 - 12:11 pm Nicodemus:Just another nail in the coffin of marriage.
May 8, 2008 - 12:43 pm Koedo:It’s another example of the ‘me’ attitude of a lot of American women. A lot of women can only perceive the world in terms of ‘me’. So, while the education rates and earning power of women in the US are rising, marriage rates for educated women are falling. All the while the marriage rates of men have remained steady. How can that be? More and more men in the US are marrying foreigners, according to the US census.
Instead of celebrating a new life, which is the ultimate ‘present’, American women have found a way to turn it into a situation where it’s about them. Even on a day when their child is brought into the world, they can’t stop perceiving the world in relation to themselves.
May 8, 2008 - 1:17 pm Koedo:Dave,
There’s a plethora of foreigners in this country. If you have the gumption, leave your comfort zone and consider one of the many beautiful, non-American women.
I’ve heard you’re sentiments echoed many times by many men. There are options out there and they’re gorgeous.
May 8, 2008 - 1:24 pm Davy:Once upon a time, it was shame for a woman to go into marriage without bringing a dowry(in civilized society), and in cultures where they were boughten by gifts they were property…
Our culture has digressed to the point that males who would “take the vows” and legally, as well as in every other sense, BURDEN themselves with the culturally obsolete and tax-punished institution of marriage, automatically subjugating themselves to the female, society expects them to physically, emotionally, financially self-sacrifice to protect, is the suicide of Western civilization.
This purposeful attempt at the complete marginalization of the male leadership role(in the home, the church, the gov’t, and the culture), I believe, along with the culturally friendly attitude toward homosexuality, abortion, euthanasia, transgender(a psychological disorder we are encouraging rather than identifying as “illness” and correctly treating)self-mutilation, are the death-throes of a culture in terminal decline.
Women have voluntarily thrown over their roles as protectors of the culture, the civilizing influences on men, the PROUD bearers and trainers of succeeding generations, and opted to adopt most, if not all, of the rightly or wrongly identified “male” flaws. What reason do I really have to PERMANENTLY join myself, and surrender ALL of my money and legal rights, to that? Seriously…I have more enjoyable things to do with my time than earn her alimony and child support payments, and pay for her house(that once was mine before I wed)…”push presents”…LOL!!!
May 8, 2008 - 1:27 pm Bozoer Rebbe:I’m sure it’s deeply superficial but I just couldn’t welsh.
Welsh as a synonym for refusing to pay an obligation is a slur, comparable to saying that someone “gypped” you (a slur against gypsies) or that someone “Jewed you down”.
May 8, 2008 - 2:32 pm Johnmc:Excuse me for stating the obvious. Come May 11th, it will be Mothers Day. That is the general observation of the event. Yes it is supposed to be children to Mom.
I don’t know about you but well until the kids are full grown its Dear Ole Dad managing the logistics and paying the tab for such an observance. So that ‘push present’ is observed on May 11th in our house by another name. Any expectation of obligation is satisfied in my support of that effort. Just saying.
Personally were my mate to make such a request I would consider it tacky and out of line. What’s next? Hot Flash observances?
May 8, 2008 - 3:14 pm Johnmc:To those the brought up the idea of a foreign wife — think long and hard. I am married to a Russian and I know the effort we both put into our relationship just to overcome cultural differences. Not to say you can’t be successful, we have been married 10 years and counting, so it’s possible.
But consider this factor. Not only will you have the usual baggage of marriage, teaching, and possible divorce. But if it all falls apart YOU have the federal government to contend with as part of the divorce settlement.
Know what you are doing! It is not for the faint of heart. But I do agree with the observations that the AW has priced themselves out of the marriage market on many levels.
May 8, 2008 - 3:29 pm Boris:Welsh is a slur in all its meanings.
And I can’t thing of anything worse than being called Belgian.
May 8, 2008 - 3:39 pm Jason Samarcolm:I don’t mind giving a push present so long as I get a successful deposit present for my contribution to the life we create together. Seriously though, I think it’s repulsive.
May 8, 2008 - 5:24 pm sharon:Ohmigosh, how cynical everyone is all of a sudden. I don’t know about all you austere types out there, but I have no objection to presents. It’s all very nice to say the baby is its own reward, blah blah, but when you’re suffering from baby blues, are feeling flabby and exhausted and overwhelmed and vulnerable, not to mention miserably sore in unmentionable places, a little gift goes a long way. It’s no substitute for a strong and loving marriage and utter devotion to the baby, but my “push present” (a beautiful flower arrangement, nothing terribly extravagant - we did just have a baby, after all) elevated my mood considerably and made me feel - well, appreciated.
Let’s face facts: nature did not design men and women to bear anywhere near the same brunt of it when it comes to childbearing, and although being a stay-at-home wife and mom is the most rewarding and fulfilling experience I’ve ever had, it has certainly entailed more sacrifice on my part than on my husband’s. So a little something - and I don’t care how much it costs - to say thank you is a pretty nice tradition if you ask me.
May 8, 2008 - 5:42 pm Bill Dalasio:I think those referencing things like flowers, plants, or a stuffed animal are kind of missing the point. These are a pretty traditional gifts for someone in the hospital. Heck, I think reasonable people can even see the suggestion of a Lay-Z-Boy or Barcolounger and breast pump. There’s a fundamental difference between giving a loved one something to ease their recovery (Yes, I’d give my wife as much had she passed a kidney stone) and providing a “reward” for what should be what should be one of the most intimate, unselfish experiences a couple can share.
May 8, 2008 - 6:28 pm Prague:I find the whole idea of obligatory push presents abhorrent. It almost makes me ashamed to be female.
Look, presents are great - when they’re gifts. If they’re an obligation, they don’t fit the spirit of the intent that (IMO) is supposed to be behind a gift. And while flowers, jewelry, or a nice chair to rock the baby in might make me feel more appreciated when my husband and I get around to having kids, it’d mean a lot more to me if I didn’t ask for it. It’d mean he cared enough to not only come up with the idea himself, but also took the time to think about what I - and, I hope, the baby - would enjoy.
May 8, 2008 - 6:28 pm lifepundit:The very name “Push Present” is revolting. I wonder if that’s why there’s so much condemnation voiced here?
I’m with Sharon (several comments above). A little something would be nice. Agreeing with Bill Delasio, I’d expect a little something even for a kidney stone.
I wouldn’t ask for it — and didn’t. And I didn’t get it.
I envy the elderly lady with the pin her husband gave her when their child was born. That would be a lovely token with which to remember her husband, her child and their joy. A single rose wouldn’t last as long but would also do the trick. Not a reward, but a gesture of love and appreciation. There is a difference.
May 8, 2008 - 6:57 pm sharon:I have to say, I find the coinage “push present” cute and clever, and above all innocuous. I certainly don’t get the furor it seems to have created. I guess some men feel affronted at the idea that they should be expected to give a gift on such an occasion, but I think that it should be natural to want to express your love and appreciation in such a way. And not everybody has to give a hideous piece of overpriced metal art like the dude in the NYT article - by all means, tailor it to your budget and inclination. As for asking for a present, it kind of spoils the effect, but I wasn’t above planting the idea in fertile soil. I say this as someone who considers herself fortunate beyond measure for such a prince of a husband and pearl of a daughter, but listen, when you’ve just undergone 9 months of nausea, dizziness, back pain, frequent urination at most inconvenient times, carpal tunnel, indigestion, and assorted other ailments (like gestational diabetes, in my case, necessitating the frequent drawing of blood and a sad farewell to chocolate), with more people poking and prodding your intimate parts than Paris Hilton, culminating in 17 agonizing hours of howling pain wherein you find yourself subjected to indignities too numerous to mention, not to mention literally ripped apart and stitched back up, and followed by cracked and bleeding nipples, sleepless nights, blocked ducts, engorged breasts the size and consistency of footballs, an inability to sit or walk comfortably for months or go to the bathroom without leaving behind a scene reminiscent of CSI: Miami, and a considerably depreciated body image not helped by the spit-up and poop stains dotting your clothes and person, plus all the hormonal havoc that comes with the territory - well, gentlemen, you too would be in need of a pick-me-up I think.
May 8, 2008 - 8:40 pm Swen Swenson:Allow me to play the anthropologist for a moment and point out that bestowing lavish presents on the new mother is probably one of those things we do to insure the survival of our species.
Prehistorically, all of the women in a band would have participated in the butchering of the mammoth and, through their efforts, each would gain claim on a share of the meat for her family. However, the woman with a newborn could not fully participate in the mammoth butchering because the newborn places a considerable demand on her time and efforts. The woman with a newborn could not ‘earn’ her share.
But it would not be in the interest of the long term survival of the band to allow her and her family to starve, no matter how hungry the families of the other women who actually butchered that particular mammoth.
What to do? Well, those aboriginal bands that survived to spawn us developed the idea of the “baby shower”: ‘We’ll set aside a portion of the mammoth for her family even though she didn’t help. In return she’ll be expected to contribute when we have babies.’
The “push present” — special gifts from the husband — can be similarly explained. The husband who brought home extra tasty morsels for his wife and newborn insured that they had suplimental nutrition during a physically trying time.
Thus, I’d suggest that bestowing presents on the new mother — and the new mother expecting and demanding presents — is deeply rooted pro-survival behavior in our species. It might be as close to an “instinct” as Homo sapiens has.
Of course nowadays the new mother can’t survive without a nice pair of diamond earrings…
May 8, 2008 - 8:43 pm Lyn:Fifteen years ago, after I delivered our third son, my husband gave me a custom designed diamond pendant with five diamonds representing our family. I never expected or requested the present and thought it was way too expensive. I have a wonderful husband who shows me how much he loves me in his actions but wanted to also demonstrate his love with a unique, once in a lifetime gift. An unexpected “push present” is extremely meaningful.
May 8, 2008 - 8:58 pm sharon:Like I said, I’m all for the push present, but I’m a bit queasy at the idea of it serving as a reward to one’s wife for producing a male, like one of the posters above described. I thought that went the way of the dodo bird, at least in these here less benighted parts of Earth.
And the other thing is, remember how vulnerable a woman is on the delivery of a child, especially if it is her first. Her life is about to change in ways she can only imagine. From being a financially independent, autonomous person, unused to require approval for any but the most significant decisions, she is about to become reliant on her husband for financial support, accounting to him for her needs and expenditures, on her husband and family and community at large for a helping hand with the baby, and on the baby for what were once simple decisions like when to go to the bathroom and leave the house.
She is also consigned with the most onerous responsibility she has ever known. During her pregnancy she has scrupulously scrutinized her food consumption and environment to minimize harm and maximize benefit to the growing fetus, in a way most men will never know. (Are cold cuts in or out? Is that sushi vegetarian? What supplements should I take? Should I enter that newly painted or varnished room?) After delivery, if she is breastfeeding (which, if she is a responsible mother, she will make every attempt to do), the burden is only slightly eased, and she is the sole provider of nourishment for a helpless infant.
Each successive child only deepens her reliance on others, further diminishes her autonomy, and increases her responsibilities (however much it may add to her joy). A present is a man’s way of saying that he appreciate the ways in which her life has changed, and reassurance that he will support her in whatever way he can. And no matter how steady and stable their relationship is, I think most women would appreciate that reassurance. What it is not is a substitute for such a relationship. But as customs and rituals go, I can hardly think of one that is less meaningful.
May 8, 2008 - 9:54 pm sharon:*more meaningful.
May 8, 2008 - 9:55 pm mercutio:Get her an exercise bike, hahahaha.
May 8, 2008 - 11:01 pm Eilish:Any gift that has to be solicited has lost its “gift” status.
My father must have bought my mother a piece of fun jewelry (nothing terribly expensive) around the time of all of my birth because I remember her calling a certain pair her “Eilish earrings”. I remember thinking that it was sweet that she had a reminder of each special delivery and she loved unique jewelry, so it would be a thoughtful gift for her. I CANNOT in a million years imagine her requesting a gift, because SHE HAS MANNERS. That spoils the whole joy of gift-giving!
When I gave birth to my own son after a very hard and long labor, a gift was the last thing on my mind. I had a beautiful healthy baby boy! My husband, however, had to leave the hospital soon after our son’s birth to fix an emergency at our business when a manager unexpectedly quit and subsequently spent a two weeks working around the clock trying to fix the mess that he had left. That was enough of a present for me. I never worry that I or my son will want for anything as long as my husband is healthy and able. That’s a pretty big gift. Only a fool would look that gift horse in the mouth.
May 8, 2008 - 11:24 pm gift giving man:I think that the “offensiveness” of a push present is in the eye of the beholder. If a husband feels “extorted,” then he is. If he feels good about marking the special occasion with a gift to his wife, then it’s a part of their celebration and should not be belittled by any “holier than thou” types. If the wife demands a present and the husband feels extorted by such a demand, then the problem with their family isn’t merely a “push present.”
May 9, 2008 - 12:48 am Laika's Last Woof:Put the focus on the child: make the “push present” a savings bond for the kid or something.
A woman expecting a “push present” doesn’t have her priorities straight. Imagine a new father buying a Porsche to celebrate: bad attitude, bad omen.
Investing in the child means a few years later the kid gives you the “push presents”: pushing the lawnmower, pushing the dishrag, pushing the mop … those are “push presents” both parents can enjoy!
May 9, 2008 - 1:51 am Chester White:I’m a 49-year-old man and I have never heard of a “push present.”
My wife is 44 and she has not either.
Will you people please stop inventing weird new cultural expectations?
May 9, 2008 - 6:39 am Ministry of Love is an Angel Disguised as Lust:I thought a “push present” was what you give your wife so that she COULD become pregnant - although, why wait for ovulation to be in a giving mood?
May 9, 2008 - 11:56 am Davy:It appears to me that the truth of the survey about birthing women’s expectations from the men, that will subsequently have the burden of a dependent to protect and provide for, has been adequately born out.
Having the protection of a man who sticks around and pays the way for blessing and privilege of children just isn’t enough, huh? Well, when the attitude bears its full fruit, over time, he probably will not be there, but it will then be his fault for being a selfish bastard, right?
Praise God Almighty for sparing me this bitchy entitlement mentality!! My nagging mother wearing my overworked father to the edge of insanity because nothing was ever good enough has borne me at least one benefit…Singleness Forever!! “Push presents”…LOL!
May 9, 2008 - 2:06 pm Joe:Since watching my wife give birth to our daughter three years ago, I haven’t been able to go down on her. What can I do to get back to doing it again?
May 9, 2008 - 10:05 pm mylai:davy,
uh, get a grip.
May 10, 2008 - 1:35 pm Patrick:Wow, there is enough comedy in all this to keep a professional comedian going for years! It all should be copyrighted!
Mmmm, “push present?” As in push during the “nasty” or “push it out” during labor, or “push” it forward as in give before it being necessary, or “push” as in “gettin’ it done” Larry style?
Bahaaahahahahahahaha
May 10, 2008 - 2:56 pm