Free Yourselves! Turn Off Your Laptops
With all our technology, we've lost touch with what is truly important: killing and eating things.
A Northwest Airlines flight overshot its destination in Minneapolis by 150 miles because the pilots were busy on their laptops. The good news, though, is that the plane the pilot was flying on Microsoft Flight Simulator arrived on time while the co-pilot successfully fought off a horde of goblins and leveled up in World of Warcraft.
Usually, not going to Minneapolis is a good thing, but when you have plane full of 144 people and no one paying attention, it could cause some alarm. Now while the TSA is checking our jackets for knives and our shoes for explosives, they can add checking the pilots for ADHD to the list.
But what are pilots doing with laptops anyway? Computers are sort of the antitheses of planes; why physically go someplace when we’re electronically connected all the time? And computers are ever-present now. We’re either seated at a desk at a computer, in a car with a smart phone, or on our couch or in our commercial airline cockpit with a laptop. It’s like we’re addicted to this information and connectivity — odds are you’re looking at a computer screen right now. But have computers made our lives better?
Many would say yes. Now, it is well-known that the main goal of humanity is to become omnipotent, immortal beings of energy with godlike powers to shape the universe. And through computers, we’re now about halfway there. With constant access to Google, we’re all nearly omnipotent. Our online avatars exist as pure energy and could live forever unless someone deletes them. And we’re all able to mold the universe by making stuff up on blogs and changing entries on Wikipedia. In levels of godhood, that’s got to at least put us on par with one of the lesser Greek gods like Nikeus, god of footwear. Seems pretty good.
Then again, it’s worth looking at how life used to be. Now, as early as a thousand years ago, people didn’t have laptops. Back even further, in the hunting and gathering days — the 60s — there were no computers of any kind. At all. The primary method of social networking was drawing pictures on cave walls. So, for instance, if one of the cave dwellers was hunting buffalo, instead of using his cell phone to update his Facebook status to “kilin buf-lo,” he’d go to the cave wall and draw a picture on it of a buffalo next to himself holding a katana or a ball and chain — you know, whatever it was they used to hunt buffalo.
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Frank J. Fleming writes political humor at IMAO.us and is beloved throughout the world.
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21 Comments
1. vivo:Good humorous article. It’s true that computers are taking over our lives more and more. Many times they are helpful, but some times they are just a pain in the neck. I’ve used spreadsheets to do a million things, love them. Yelp gives me a good feel about what a restaurant is all about. But I couldn’t hunt for rabbits or lobsters if I wanted to.
But don’t despair. That’s what society and civilization is all about. There always be someone doing those nasty jobs. The law of supply and demand. And the financial rewards.
And you can keep track of your inventories and rewards with a spreadsheet . . .
Nov 1, 2009 - 3:29 am 2. Robert17:Very funny ! I needed that.
Nov 1, 2009 - 5:02 am 3. Spindok:Or you could just use your computer to capture the rabbit…
http://www.whatpetsdowhileyouareatwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/rabbit_computer.jpg
Spindok
Nov 1, 2009 - 6:07 am 4. Dwight:Nicely done article, but I will assure the author that at least a few of us can be addicted to our laptops and still kill and eat things. Of course, some deer hunters have to regularly check their movement-activated cameras in the woods to download the memory card to see what has passed by recently.
In a few years, we can be hunched in a little command center in the woods, bloggling, when our laptop will flash an alert and we can arouse ourselves (as soon as we complete our train of thought) to see what is out there, grab the gun and…
Nov 1, 2009 - 6:07 am 5. Ruebacca:Wild pigs have been spreading in California. My Uncle lives in the agricultural area ans told of the new sport of hunting boar with a knife. I have to admit I find it fascinating.
You have 2 dogs, one to track and one to hold the boar down or in place as you close in with a Bowie knife. I have to admit that sounds like an experience. I love dogs, but imagine the love these guys have for a good dog team that can do this task.
If one man and two dogs could kill a boar, then 10 men and 20 dogs I am sure could and did kill a Mammoths. Even without guns humans are very dangerous hunters.
Nov 1, 2009 - 6:12 am 6. macko:Pig knives or stickers are for hogs
bowie knives are for fighting people
Don’t get caught using those cameras “while” you hunt
Nov 1, 2009 - 6:54 am 7. Danimal:Nice shot at Minny, Frankie!! One could argue that us Minnysotans would like it if you Coasties stayed there…
) I was just checking trails and food plots yesterday in anticipation of getting a critter under the crosshairs next week!
Danimal
Nov 1, 2009 - 7:53 am 8. k:Minnesota (ya, yoo betcha)
You fergot zombies. Reading how to kill zombies on the internet is VERY different than killing zombies IRL.
Go out and kill a zombie today.
NOTE: It is difficult to tell the difference between a Zombie and a Hard-Left-Liberal. So be warned, the same techniques do not apply. However, with the proper education, some techniques can be adapted.
With a major exception: Striking a Lib in the head does NOT kill it. Brain Damage makes em more Lib, so be warned.
PC Disclaimer: I do not recommend killing Libs. They can make very interesting pets, however their care and feeding gets expensive. This is offset by the fact that they are very amusing critters.
If yer a twisted freak like me and think havin a rabid wolverine (Olbermann) in a cage is ‘fun’.
Nov 1, 2009 - 8:43 am 9. Keapon Laffin:Oops..I dinna mean to delete me nick to ‘K’ there..if someone could fix that
Nov 1, 2009 - 8:43 am 10. Dave K.:Now I know what P.J. O’Rourke would write like if a tumor were to eat away 75% of his brain.
Nov 1, 2009 - 9:23 am 11. Corona:Good article, but I didn’t see anything about Science! or dinosaurs with rockets.
Nov 1, 2009 - 10:25 am 12. Thought Criminal:Look at Vivo, almost sounding like a capitalist. You go troll!
Nov 1, 2009 - 11:00 am 13. Samson:5. Ruebacca:
there is a book called Hellpig which describes hunting wild boar in Lousiana. here’s a link.
http://www.amazon.com/Hellpig-Hunt-Adventure-Wetlands-Mississippi/dp/1590770099/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257104952&sr=8-1
personally I liked Humberto’s Hell Divers Rodeo better …same crazy people …different day.
I know the piece is satire but it does bring up some interesting points. There are not that many wild animals around that you could even feed the world for a year as hunter gatherers (if you didn’t count the domesticated animals).
if obama an company get their way nobody but true believers will want to use the net. it will be filled with propaganda and troll speak.
Nov 1, 2009 - 11:54 am 14. Tex Expatriate:I suspect Fleming is writing tongue-in-cheek but I don’t know for sure. I kill four deer each year, butcher them myself, give some away to people I know who are hungry, and eat the rest. I also use and enjoy a computer: to read the news, share opinions, and write books and stories.
Someone above mentioned he or she did not recommend killing libs. I disagree. It is a fine idea if you don’t eat them, or even approach them afterward.
Nov 1, 2009 - 5:30 pm 15. island girl:Computers control me, I admit this. I now need my computer every day. I hate admitting this. I have lived 24 hours without one. That’s about it.
Nov 1, 2009 - 7:45 pm 16. vivo:12. Thought Criminal:
You wouldn’t be surprised if you paid attention to what I say. Capitalism is not perfect, nor is socialism or all the other systems. But the proper combination of the best features of them works better.
Nov 1, 2009 - 11:54 pm 17. joe:Worst column ever! Frank J. no longer has “it”! No mention whatsoever of the millionaire Zynga, and actual people giving him actual money for virtual products!!!
Nov 2, 2009 - 2:09 am 18. Lily:I didn’t kill my own food before I had a computer. But I have deer in my front yard all the time. I would never kill and eat one of them. They are all hairy, and full of blood and guts, and they look even more gross when they are dead.
It’s a whole lot easier to order in with a computer. So I will keep my computer that food may continue to magically appear on my doorstep.
Nov 2, 2009 - 1:26 pm 19. chip and andy:What if I kill dinner WITH my computer? I could throw a laptop pretty hard, and the mouse would make a perfect thing like those rocks on a string the aborigines used, the kind you swing around and around and hopefully bash your dinner in the skull instead of your own skull.
Nov 2, 2009 - 3:03 pm 20. Dr. T:If this is an example of Mr. Fleming’s humorous writings, then I hope he has other employment. This article makes Dave Barry look like a humor genius.
Nov 2, 2009 - 3:20 pm 21. K:But Dave Barry IS a humor genius and you, Dr. T, are just a fool.
Nov 2, 2009 - 3:41 pm