GOP Warlords vs. the Cybernetic Monkey-Men
In the post-Obama wasteland, moderates will be a great source of cheap labor and — in a worse case scenario — food.
And what about moderates? I know this won’t make me popular with the Republican base, but we have to make every effort we can to get as many moderates into the Republican Party as possible. Let’s bend on any issue necessary and soften our rhetoric to get every squish behind us. Let’s even invite Arlen Specter back; we can tell him we were wrong and trillions in wasteful spending is a great idea right now. We need all the moderates we can get to join us, because when everything goes to hell, they’ll be a great source of cheap labor and — in a worse case scenario — food. So for the future survival of the party, moderates are very important.
So what issues will we be focusing on? Once again, it will be back to the basics of the Republican Party as we tackle our original defining issue: slavery. That’s because the apes will be mutated by radiation into ape-men and will be quite intent on enslaving their former masters, and it will be up to us to oppose them. Also, it’s a little known fact that the anti-piracy software in Microsoft products is programmed so that if it ever loses contact with Microsoft headquarters, the machines will revert to their original programming to destroy all humanity. So we can expect pretty much all machines to turn against us and try to capture and kill us. These are the issues people are going to find important in the near future, and I doubt the Democrats — if they still exist — will have any answers. So Republicans have the potential for lots of gains by taking a strong stance against ape-men and killer robots.
So as you hear from different pundits on what the Republicans need to do to regain power, remember that the key is that any workable idea must start with a realistic look at what challenges lie before us. That means it must account for radiation, killing each other over food and gasoline, flesh-eating mutants, ape-men, and deadly robots. It’s a hard reality to face, but it can be a good time for Republican gains if we’re prepared and properly armed. And if the ape-men and robots join forces, causing us to face cybernetic monkey-men, then let’s just say we better have found the next Reagan by then or we’re all done for.
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Frank J. Fleming writes political humor at IMAO.us and is thankful he's so unbelievably awesome.
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63 Comments
1. Class Clown:How about a cybernetic Reagan?
May 19, 2009 - 2:02 am 2. Gary Ogletree:Frank, old buddy, where can I get some of that Sandoz quality acid? Would you part with some of your stash?
May 19, 2009 - 4:36 am 3. RandyChandler:Most readers will think this an amusing piece of satire but I have seen your underground bunker and know you believe every word. But why didn’t you mention that Glenn Beck already has a plan to unite the warlords and set up the new government on the rubble of the Smoking City on the Hill?
May 19, 2009 - 5:12 am 4. Sharky:This is much better and far more hopeful than anything I’ve seen developed by the Frums & McCains of the GOP. And, hey, we have the guns!
May 19, 2009 - 6:03 am 5. Chuck Pelto:TO: Armed Liberal [wherever you are.....]
RE: How’s THIS….
….for ‘A Modest Proposal’?
Compare and contrast with that feminazi college prof you were defending.
On the one hand, Frank has a longer history of sardonic humor than your college feminazi. So I think he can carry this off better than she could.
On the other hand, what’s the possibility that we’d have to start eating ‘liberals’. Compared to the possibility of chemically neutering all men?
On the third hand, there’s always this prescient vision.
Bon appetite!
Regards,
Chuck(le)
May 19, 2009 - 6:06 am 6. Chuck Pelto:[Science fiction writers foresee the inevitable, and although problems and catastrophes may be inevitable, solutions are not. -- Isaac Asimov]
TO: Frank J., et al.
RE: Heh
Getting into the ’spirit’ of the proposal, We can do this!
The Republicans have the greater preponderence of military and military-minded people within it. The post-Obama world will be our cup-o-tea. We can make weapons out of ANYTHING. We’re all MacGyvers at heart. Heck. Give me an up-scale, steel-barreled pen and pencil set and a yard of waxed dental floss and just watch what I can do. [Note: Not recommended for the faint of heart. But they're all a bunch of wussy liberals anyway....]
RE: The ‘Liberal’ Example
Heh. I know a university prof who goes ballistic at the mention of Republicans or Christians. I try to avoid mentioning both in the same sentence as the reaction is like ammonium nitrate and diesel fuel with a touch of ’spark’ to it.
RE: ‘Good Fences Make Good Neighbors’
Oh! You’ve read Niven and Pournelle’s Lucifer’s Hammer……
Good!
RE: The Bottom Line
In keeping with that, I recommend a good book.
Regards,
Chuck(le)
May 19, 2009 - 6:42 am 7. sheesh:[Peace means having a bigger club than the other guy. -- Tony Stark, Iron Man]
The only survivor will be Joe Biden in his bunker. I can see it now, Joe downstairs sipping brandy while Dick Cheney stands outside banging on the door. Even at the end, the angry Republican left out in the cold while the liberal calmly considers how to rebuild America.
May 19, 2009 - 6:51 am 8. RandyChandler:Sheesh, sheesh, Joe Biden calmly considering anything? Now that IS fantasy. Besides, Cheney would slip in through the supersecret tunnel only he knows about and dispose of Biden with the dreaded rear-strangle takedown, and then wait with his shotgun for the zombies to show up.
May 19, 2009 - 7:05 am 9. Fred Beloit:OK, Sheets, off you go to gym class. As Ahhnold might say, you need to do some squvats to put muscle on those spindle shanks of yours. Nobody wants to eat a skinny drumstick.
May 19, 2009 - 7:16 am 10. billslayer:I’ve been getting a hankerin’ to dine on some victuals that have been off the menu for far too long…
May 19, 2009 - 7:57 am 11. Chuck Pelto:TO: All
RE: No Sooner Said….
….than done!
God help US!
Regards,
Chuck
P.S. Frank,
Did you read this before we did? Or are you truly gifted with ‘prophecy’?
P.P.S. How much anyone wanna bet the perp voted for The One?
May 19, 2009 - 8:55 am 12. Cptnmoroni:Rather than a loose confederation of Warlords battling mutants, zombies, and robots, I’m thinking we should just head to Mars in a large spaceship and colonize it. After all, it would make a great stepping stone when we conquer the outer planets and strip mine them. Plus, Mars is getting warmer so it’ll just be a couple years until it’s basically Hawaii without the volcanos.
May 19, 2009 - 9:32 am 13. Billll:Instead of we conservatives emigrating to Mars, Why not sent the liberals to the new colonies on Venus. The procedure is explained in “The Marching Morons”.
May 19, 2009 - 10:24 am 14. Macko:sheesh,
what you and your playmates have to realize is that if you can destroy america it will be someone else who re-builds it.
hint: they probably won’t speak english
May 19, 2009 - 10:30 am 15. Moogie:It isn’t healthy for meat eating animals to eat other eat meating animals. This means we will only be able to eat vegetarian and vegan moderates.
Does anyone remember “Soilent Green?” Anyone? Anyone?
May 19, 2009 - 11:18 am 16. Chuck Pelto:TO: Moogie, et al.
RE: Soilent Green, Anyone?
Yes. I remember that movie.
Oddly enough, I was thinking about it just last night. However in a different context. Something along the lines of the proposed government-[mis]managed health care program and how the less-than-productive-and/or-influential would be denied health care in such a ’system’.
They could be converted into a source of replacement parts, akin to Larry Niven’s vision of the future. Or a source of protein, as in the movie.
Regards,
Chuck(le)
May 19, 2009 - 11:52 am 17. SmartGrunt:[Recycle! Reuse!]
I’ve been preparing for the eventual end of the world, and I know it will not come from killer apes or robots if there are zombies present. Liberals have degraded any chance for the robots to have a self sufficient power source; severely limiting their destructive potential. Additionally, any intelligent ape will not likely live long outside of their environment when they can’t be immunized due to the anti-chemical activists. That is why I have put all of my efforts into preparing for the zombie apocalypse.
May 19, 2009 - 11:55 am 18. bgates:would it be too surprising if he accidentally nuked us himself?
Accidentally? Yes.
May 19, 2009 - 3:52 pm 19. BDelsol:Do you remember Max Headroom? He reminded me of Reagan a little bit. I think it was the jaunty tilt of his head.
May 19, 2009 - 3:53 pm 20. ReConUSMC:There is One Huge Common sense Fact to his funny but really so what serious “Blovating ” !
May 19, 2009 - 4:05 pm 21. Chaz:America is headed quicker to having a totally Broken economy than Obama can come up with Yet “Another ” Massive Welfare , Entitlement and TARP spending insane program …… that will surely destroy our economy many of us believed would fix it self since Supply and demand sets prices not Govt. false Temporary money in place of sound math and the market place . Need we forget after Carter terrible broken 21 % was”"Fixed ” in Two years under Reagan by simply lowering taxes .
This Country is breaking every Rule there is in Economics # 101 in the name of Social Equality . Yet no Society on Earth has ever created Equality by Robbing others . Why do you think the economics , Russia , Roman , French , Germany all failed spending money like crazy .
Earth to Obama, You do not make the Poor Richer by making the Rich Poorer .
Since i have never know a Man on welfare without any education , Job skills or any money who could run a Co. much less own one or Hire anyone much less himself .
What are you smoking?
And where can I get some?
May 19, 2009 - 4:07 pm 22. Mark:Make this into a script and you would have an awesome movie. Think Shaun of the dead.
May 19, 2009 - 4:41 pm 23. RandyChandler:SmartGrunt, I think what we will be facing is the ObamaZombie Apocalypse. Things are going to get very messy.
May 19, 2009 - 5:04 pm 24. jvon:Well done.
May 19, 2009 - 5:11 pm 25. Chuck Pelto:TO: Chaz
RE: Smok’n!
I think it’s the chartreuse from Crayola. Although sometimes we’ve seen this behavior from the puce.
Regards,
Chuck(le)
May 19, 2009 - 6:17 pm 26. Chuck Pelto:[I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs -- like customs officials.]
TO: ReConUSMC
RE: Heh
It’s all part of The Plan, compadre.
It’s a reversal of the strategy used by Reagan against the Sovs in the 80s. And it’s truly ironic that the useful fools who are going to suffer most from it are the ones who are bring it all about.
Regards,
Chuck(le)
May 19, 2009 - 6:21 pm 27. Darrell:[Be Prepared.... -- American Boy Scout motto]
No way I’m eating Janeane Garofalo, no way….
May 19, 2009 - 6:24 pm 28. Dantes:Megaton Ditto’s.
Buy More Guns.
May 19, 2009 - 6:30 pm 29. Rick:20: “Earth to Obama, You do not make the Poor Richer by making the Rich Poorer .”
Nonsense, everybody knows there’s a fixed amount of wealth in the world, and it’s the same amount that’s been in the world since Day One! What? All-new industries? I don’t know what you’re talking about. La-la-la-la Laaaaaa! I can’t hear you![/sarc]
May 19, 2009 - 6:32 pm 30. gondokoro:what are all these Marines and ex service types doing here
great we’re still involved
thanks
May 19, 2009 - 6:35 pm 31. Trid:This puts such a smile on my face.
Although, I do find one little naggle in your article: Liberals are already ape men, so what will they mutate into for real?
May 19, 2009 - 7:08 pm 32. Chuck Pelto:TO: Darrell
RE: Yeah….
….the bitter aftertaste. The indigestion, nausea and vomiting. Not to forget the ultimate diarrhea.
Who needs it?
Regards,
Chuck(le)
P.S. Speaking of ’sick’ people….as in Garofalo….
The study of history is the best medicine for a sick mind. — Livy
May 19, 2009 - 8:19 pm 33. Katherine:If you don’t put puppies into a blender to make a health drink you are simply not qualified to be a red blood Republican. Guns and puppies, we will take back the America from the Obamazombies.
May 19, 2009 - 8:54 pm 34. Moogie:Correction: “Soylent Green” – not “Soilent Green.” And now, for the best lines ever from two of Chuck Heston’s greatest flicks:
“Soylent Green is people!” … from “Soylent Green.”
“You finally really did it. You maniacs! You blew it up! G– damn you! G–damn you all to hell!” … “Planet of the Apes.”
I’ll have to work on a good zombie movie line and a good machines take over the world movie line. I’m sure they’re out there.
May 20, 2009 - 12:35 am 35. Dr. Kenneth Noisewater:Dude, who do you think have all the guns?
LIBERTARIANS…
Also, we have Old Glory Robot Insurance!!
May 20, 2009 - 4:22 am 36. Tobias:That was probably the best prediction I have ever heard, seriously. It really touched my heart.
May 20, 2009 - 9:02 am 37. maninwarren:The future of the Republican party? Simple: http://9112010.com/9112010.html
May 20, 2009 - 9:42 am 38. Banned by Huffpo:A.O. Have to remember that one!
It will be like “The Road” except it will be real . . . .
May 20, 2009 - 9:53 am 39. Paco:I’m ok with luring moderates back into the party to be used as slave labor, or even food; however, I draw the line at Arlen Specter. You’re not going to get any work out of him, and the mere thought of barbecued Specter wings is nauseating.
May 20, 2009 - 10:11 am 40. SteveB/Colorado:Energy needs of the future can be met by harnessing all the hot air emanating from bozos like Rush and Ann Coulter.
May 20, 2009 - 10:27 am 41. deguello:Sorry but I’d rather eat my own feces than eat a republican moderate,or would that be redundant?
May 20, 2009 - 10:28 am 42. Chuck Pelto:TO: All
RE: More ‘Projection’
Seems to me that SteveB/Colorado, David S, vivo, PoM, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseam….
….would be a better supply than a Limbaugh-Coulter combine.
After all, they ARE ‘full of –it’.
Regards,
Chuck(le)
May 20, 2009 - 10:57 am 43. Hal:P.S. The methane would provide an added boost. Don’t you think?
“just mention Republicans to Janeane Garofalo and see her reaction; she’s halfway there already.”
Just halfway there? Not from where I’m standing!
May 20, 2009 - 1:51 pm 44. dennymack:Y’all may think this is a joke, but I happen to know that Frank, he got himself the sight. Powerful gift, that. Or maybe a curse.
May 20, 2009 - 4:46 pm 45. 6.5mmGrnd:That’s why Frank don’t watch the television no more. Fer him it’s like watchin’ a movie through a shower curtain, only on his shower curtain all the book of John plays out. I seen him at the Micky-D’s, and he looks the feller at the till right in the eye, points to the deep fry, tells him “That’s where you get it, when the cyborgs come.”
Or maybe he said, “That’s where you get my side order, when it comes.”
Can’t rightly know. Frank does mumble a lot.
Now this story has my hopes up, Funny Stuff.
Stay Armed stay free
May 23, 2009 - 10:29 am 46. Arius:The author is tongue in cheek but the third paragraph has it right – America is doomed. It’s all downhill from here. America is a bus going over the edge of a cliff without a driver.
May 24, 2009 - 11:06 pm 47. Brian:While I’m not really a pessimist, I think the conclusions reached in the artical are overly optimistic. Its best we not rely on moderates for our survival. (See Spector)
May 25, 2009 - 1:40 am 48. Northern Light:So liberals will all turn to canibalism while conservatives are dining on the flesh of moderates.
May 26, 2009 - 3:26 am 49. robert:Finally conservatives and liberals will be focusing on their similarities!
Yeah, the Republicans did their best to save the country — just like molesting children could be called “comforting” them.
I think the article itself is very funny, but the comments from the kind of sad bastards who stood around cheering “USA, USA!” while Cheney et al sucked the system dry and made billions for the golf-club set just show that such ignorant screw-worms got what they deserved, which was to be deceived and betrayed by the cynical thieves they elected. And us liberals, now WE’RE ruining the country? You poor, half-awake little children.
May 28, 2009 - 6:48 pm 50. Well Educated Cad:Do NOT expect me to try to eat a bite of Al Franken. I’ve never cared much for weasel meat, no matter how it’s prepared.
May 29, 2009 - 1:16 am 51. Northern Light:BTW, wasn’t there another color of Soylent in the movie besides Green?
There were actually a few different types of Soylent (Red, Blue, etc.) , but Soylent Green was the only one that was made out of people. The government claimed it was made from protein from the sea when it was actually made out of Edward G. Robinson.
Jun 4, 2009 - 5:31 am 52. Avitar:The new appointed Regulatory Czar Sunstien has a bunch of buddies in the Animal Rights movement that advocate reducing the human population of earth to half a billion people. These people discuss hou to bring the “necessary measures” about. The “moderates” should realize that eating the “moderates” is one of the necessry measures.
Jun 4, 2009 - 12:11 pm 53. Avitar:I double checked it 1973 “Soylent Green,” Northern Light is right. The movie never made any sense to me because as a high school student I could figure out how to feed 16 billion people. I finaly figured out that it is a warning ageinst listening to Hollywood Liberals.
Weasel meat is quite good but I agree with “Well Educated Cad” and draw the line against eating subweasels like Al Franken.
If “Robert” weren’t so provential he would realize that the Bush/Chaney administration did a truely remarkable job. Germany has lost three times the percent of GDP the US has and that every country in Europe is doing worse than the US except Spain and they are doing about the same.
Jun 4, 2009 - 12:37 pm 54. Avitar:I double-checked it 1973 “Soylent Green,” Northern Light” is right. The movie never made any sense to me because as a high school student I could figure out how to feed 16 billion people. I finally figured out that it is a cautionary tail warning against listening to Hollywood Liberals about anything.
Jun 4, 2009 - 12:49 pm 55. Pat J:Weasel meat is quite good but I agree with “Well Educated Cad” and draw the line against eating sub-weasels like Al Franken.
If “Robert” were not so provincial, he would realize that the Bush/Chaney administration did a truly remarkable job. Germany has lost three times the percent of GDP the US has and that every country in Europe is doing worse than the US except Spain and they are doing about the same.
Did any of the liberal readers just die of apoplexy?
Give me a thick conservative woman any day. Mmm tasty!
Jun 4, 2009 - 1:29 pm 56. Doug Johnson:Specter would be too tough and boney, although he might make good soup. Unless we can save the nation politically, anarchy would be the route to go, more of us would survive than them and a new and better nation would emerge.
Jun 5, 2009 - 3:42 am 57. Joey:Hmm, I’m pretty sure this could all have been prevented if we’d been working on the “dinosaurs with rocket launchers” like we’ve been talking about.
Jun 5, 2009 - 11:49 am 58. Brian:LOL!Good piece.I once asked a liberal athiest(who has since tossed out liberalism) what he would if the sheet hit the fan,lets say a la nuclear war?.He said rely on me of course!
Jun 5, 2009 - 3:17 pm 59. no name:great piece! will there be a daily bag limit? sounds like a great (TRE) target rich enviroment!
Jun 5, 2009 - 7:07 pm 60. Rick O'Shea:Hey Frank – Blockbuster Video just called, they want their copy of Red Dawn back!
Jun 6, 2009 - 4:38 pm 61. wardjh:Perhaps you should visit, or revisit, “A Boy and His Dog” by (i think) Harlan Ellison.
Jun 8, 2009 - 10:16 am 62. Marc Malone:Great fun, this article. Of course, the usual Libs took it all too seriously. C’mon, guys, we wouldn’t really eat you… I think. Not without Catsup. Lessee, tomatoes, water, sugar. Hmm, that last might be problematic. See? You’ll be fine. Oh, wait, some of the hicks like BBQ…. :p
Jun 10, 2009 - 1:12 am 63. David Kistenmacher:I didn’t know that P.J. O’Rourke had a retarded brother.
Jun 16, 2009 - 6:39 am