Government Motors (GM) Unveils its First Model!

The Obama of automobiles is the vehicle all responsible citizens have been waiting for.

April 1, 2009 - by Frank J. Fleming
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I have some exciting news to tell you. For the first time ever, you will have a car that’s been made using the full efforts of the federal government. That’s right; the same entity that once got man to the moon will now get you to the grocery store. Yes, unlike the moon, you’ve been to the store before, but never with the style and efficiency of a vehicle designed by your United States government.

Now that President Barack Obama is wielding greater control of the auto industry, he’s decided it’s time to design a vehicle fit for this new era. He got a thousand of the government’s best and brightest (995 lawyers and politicians and five engineers) to design a car fit for the needs of the twenty-first century while including forward-thinking sensibilities. This new car is called the B-ROC and it is truly the Obama of automobiles. Here are some preliminary features:

  • The B-ROC will be efficiently sized so as to be no bigger than needed to transport a driver, his or her life partner, one optional child, and three bags of groceries of average weight (i.e., not all canned food).
  • The B-ROC will boast a reasonable, fuel-efficient acceleration of zero to sixty in twenty seconds (this is based on a theoretical model capable of reaching a speed of sixty miles per hour).
  • The B-ROC will be able to maintain a speed of almost fifteen times the average human walking speed. That’s faster than most land animals and still relatively safe.
  • Rest assured you’ll be noticed driving the new B-ROC, as it will be colored bright orange for high visibility to pedestrians and wildlife.
  • To fight noise pollution, instead of a horn, the B-ROC will include a booklet of hand signals to communicate with fellow drivers in a more efficient and exact manner.
  • Similar to the popular OnStar system, the B-ROC will come standard with the BigBrother system. This will allow the government to keep track of where you are and what you’re saying. And if you were hoping OnStar would one day monitor for speech insensitive to race, gender, or sexual preference, then you’re going to love BigBrother! And if you’re ever in need, a helpful government social worker will be one button away with a wait time guaranteed to be no more than six hours (for safety reasons, the B-ROC must be parked during two-way communications). Never be afraid; BigBrother is watching you!
  • Remote access will allow the government to open your B-ROC for you if you accidentally lock your keys inside. It will also allow the government to lock you inside if they feel they need to for your own safety
  • The B-ROC’s engine will also come equipped with remote cutoff to prevent theft or stop someone from driving who is delinquent on his taxes (members of Congress and White House staff can have this feature disabled at no extra charge).
  • The B-ROC will be the most environmentally friendly automobile ever designed. Not only will it have low emissions, it will be 85 percent biodegradable and will begin to slowly decompose soon after it’s driven off the lot.
  • The B-ROC will support all kinds of alternative fuels, from alcohol to water (as long as it’s also filled with gasoline).
  • Instead of simply recording your mileage, the BROC will also make helpful suggestions about walking when it feels you’ve been driving more than necessary. It will additionally be able to enforce these suggestions in times of fuel-shortages or other emergency situations yet to be determined.
  • While the B-ROC will normally not include a cigarette lighter, it can be added as an extra option if the purchaser has a medicinal marijuana prescription.
  • For entertainment, the B-ROC will include a radio capable of receiving NPR and other stations with approved, politically balanced content.

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Frank J. Fleming writes political humor at IMAO.us and is beloved throughout the world.

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66 Comments

1. william Blake:

I doubt you are far off from the plan!

Apr 1, 2009 - 2:52 am 2. LeighB:

“To fight noise pollution, instead of a horn, the B-ROC will include a booklet of hand signals to communicate with fellow drivers in a more efficient and exact manner.”

I have been duly inspired by my feelings for Barack to supply that booklet of hand signals for B-ROC. It will be printed on recycled paper with earth friendly ink.

For the digitally-challenged, additional options are available: hand signal cards (with perpetual campaign sign on the reverse side) and the academic white board. For people who need a little more help, we also offer the deluxe, solar-powered RamAx teleprompter.

Apr 1, 2009 - 3:55 am 3. The Infidel Alliance:

To see the future of GM (Government Motors) please watch the movie “Idiocracy”. You will see precisely what I mean and LYAO! (sadly)

~ The Infidel Alliance

Apr 1, 2009 - 4:17 am 4. David:

Does it come wiyh a race card or entitlement paperwork or are they optional ?

Apr 1, 2009 - 4:23 am 5. Voodooman:

Ha! I saw Idiocracy and that is exactly where we are heading.

An economy destroyed (the ecomedy), people dummed down to the lowest common denominator, congress recast as “The House of Representin’”, and the President of America, porn superstar and 5 time pro-wrestling smackdown champion Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Camacho.

Hilarious but sadly prescient.

Apr 1, 2009 - 4:27 am 6. ajacksonian:

Yes, Comrades, they will be producing the Trabant’s latest model, updated for all the modern tracking that the older models lacked. Don’t mind the eco-friendly paste and fiber construction, as it is perfect for the home repair business, when allowed by code, and at the tax rate of 1,000% on materials. The Home Kit comes with all necessary paste, cloth, rods, wheels and the best faux rubber that can be afforded. (use of sturdier materials from around the house strictly prohibited)

You will never again need to worry about your car rusting out! Dissolving in a rainstorm, however… you will need the special government protection coating on the luxury models to avoid that.

The B-ROC Trabant!

Apr 1, 2009 - 4:46 am 7. vivo:

Sounds like the perfect car for Frank Fleming, lawyers and environmentalists. I’ll buy it when the price comes down to $2K.

Apr 1, 2009 - 4:47 am 8. Fragmentarian:

Hee hee. Ouch! (laughing until it hurts)

Apr 1, 2009 - 5:09 am 9. Carl:

One of the hand signals included with this port-a-potty for pygmies Frank forgot to mention is the “bird” that automatically flips off SUV and 18 wheel tractor trailer drivers.

Also, the United States Government fully backs warranty service for this feature.

Apr 1, 2009 - 5:26 am 10. Ed Wallis:

Oh dear.

Seeing as how plagiarism has been a habit of this President,
maybe he’ll call it The People’s Car,
as another “leader” did 70 years ago with his “Volkswagen.”

Apr 1, 2009 - 5:37 am 11. Broadsword:

When the Volkswagen was finally publicly introduced in, I think, about 1934, it’s official name was not the Volkswagen, (People’s car) but the KDF Wagen, the ‘Strength through Joy’ car. (I am remembering this, probably roughly, from the book, Small Wonder.)

B-ROC, Heh.

Apr 1, 2009 - 5:37 am 12. Maurice:

The Super Miraculous Engine of Awesomeness runs on highly toxic sludge and nuclear waste and emits fairy dust.

Apr 1, 2009 - 5:59 am 13. Bob Miller:

Now let’s imagine the service and body shops for this beast. In lieu of pay-as-you go, private insurance, service contracts, and other capitalistic concepts, we will have—universal health insurance for cars. Commissars will assess one’s repair needs and decide if a given therapy is allowed to proceed or not. Those tired of waiting months or years for authorization to do major repairs will have to smuggle their cars to secret private shops here or in other countries to get the work done. Every paycheck (if these continue to exist) will have new withholding to support the CAr Care Administration (known as CACA).

Apr 1, 2009 - 6:16 am 14. A.W.:

Dang it, frank…

DON’T GIVE THEM IDEAS!

um seriously, that is both funny and creepily plausible at the same time.

Apr 1, 2009 - 7:08 am 15. savage24:

Now you know why used car salesmen have a higher creibility than politicians.Wouldn’t you Like to see a picture of Obama with the caption ” Would you buy a car from this man?”.

Apr 1, 2009 - 7:17 am 16. Войска ПВО:

Ed Wallis writes:

“..maybe he’ll call it The People’s Car,
as another “leader” did 70 years ago with his “Volkswagen.””

Drat! Ed, you stole my thunder! But “Yugo” also comes to mind.

Apr 1, 2009 - 7:18 am 17. e:

The car in that image is ugly as sin.

Good thing I’m gonna buy a used el Camino anyways.

Apr 1, 2009 - 7:26 am 18. AwesometificAmerican:

I heard that most of the B-ROC’s assemblies will be manufactured in China, but to accommodate the Country of Origin listings on the sticker will state Hawaii instead.

Apr 1, 2009 - 7:52 am 19. Old Soldier:

“will begin to slowly decompose soon after it’s driven off the lot” Very Funny!

Apr 1, 2009 - 8:09 am 20. atlargeinohio:

Are they taking deposits? I know a few pigeons who have a deposit ready to go!

Apr 1, 2009 - 8:09 am 21. WhyamInotsurprised?:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! ahhhhhhhh, love it!

But what will GM do when everyone flocks to foreign car makers for trucks and SUV’s?
Remember, we can always provide consumer feedback with our wallets! Just don’t buy the junk!

Remember to keep your peckers hard and your powder dry!

Apr 1, 2009 - 8:14 am 22. keithacita:

i contacted my senators and congresswoman 2 days ago with questions about GM warranties, saying i’m thinking of buying a gm car. no response, no answers to my questions. i’ll be receiving a canned message soon unrelated to my request i’m sure. now there’s the customer service i’ve been hoping for.

Apr 1, 2009 - 8:20 am 23. mob:

The new B-ROC will have the GPS navigator replaced by the very latest model teleprompter. All you have to do is turn your head from one side to the other as you read the directions to your next stop. Passers-by will think you have memorized the directions and are repeating them for everyone else.

Apr 1, 2009 - 9:03 am 24. Barry 0351:

I recently took my little S-10 to the local Chevy dealer for a starter repair and was told I needed to buy another car, I said I don’t have the money to buy a new car so the Chevy folks sent me home with a brand new starter that still won’t start the truck and a nifty calender with all the best sellers through history of the Cehvrolet line.
The wife’s 12 year old Honda now, it just keeps running along.

Apr 1, 2009 - 9:10 am 25. davod:

“But what will GM do when everyone flocks to foreign car makers for trucks and SUV’s?
Remember, we can always provide consumer feedback with our wallets! Just don’t buy the junk!”

What foreign cars or even US made cas by foreign companies.

Apr 1, 2009 - 9:15 am 26. Plep:

This is foolish. By the time this is ready to be sold, who the hell will be able to afford three bags of groceries?

Apr 1, 2009 - 9:24 am 27. Moogie:

Foreign cars? Fahgetaboutit: “Protectionism.”

Manufactured in China? You bet. Country of origin? Kenya.

Apr 1, 2009 - 9:42 am 28. David H Dennis:

I can’t think of this general theme without linking to Iowahawk’s take, the “Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition”:

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2008/11/lemon.html

Enjoy!

D

Apr 1, 2009 - 10:09 am 29. Rackburn:

Don’t forget that quiet vehicles are unfair to the blind. CA has reported that blind people who need to cross the street do not like hybrids because they cannot hear them coming. Therefore, the B-ROC will need additional noise making devices because it has been made so quiet to decrease noise pollution. (It might also be a good idea if it had an identifiable smell that precedes it, but the biodegradable material might already take care of that.)

Apr 1, 2009 - 10:10 am 30. Mike O:

ANd there will be a 15,000% tax levied on all non-B-ROC vehicles.

Plep, some people might be able to carry three bags of groceries by then, but the B-ROC will be unable to carry the 800 pounds of currency needed to buy them (think Zimbabwe).

Apr 1, 2009 - 10:15 am 31. JMH:

The B-ROC also comes with an “OBAMA” campaign bumper sticker pre- (and permanently) installed.

Apr 1, 2009 - 10:27 am 32. Ian Thorpe:

That car is so ugly on any other day I would happily believe it had been devised by a committee of politically correct government advisors.

Apr 1, 2009 - 10:28 am 33. JMH:

Therefore, the B-ROC will need additional noise making devices…

Oh, so each car will come with a Code-Pink protester strapped to the hood?

Apr 1, 2009 - 10:29 am 34. Paul:

We are already deep and long into Gooberment Motors. Dodge had the Omni getting 40-50mpg in the 80’s. So the fuel mileage nazis were happy, right? Wrong. Bring in the safety nazis, throw a thousand pounds on the car. Bring in the emissions nazis and cut the miles per gallon because the engine runs like crap and next thing you know you are looking at Japanese cars.

Thank you enviro/safety national socialists.

Of course now we have to invade the Russian size abyss of running Union Employment Workers Autos.

Years ago I heard that China was going free market and capitalist and we were going gun point government force and socialist. It is true.

Apr 1, 2009 - 10:52 am 35. JED:

Try hauling sandbags to Fargo in one of these babies. This is another one of those great divider, red state-blue state, urban-rural inventions.

Apr 1, 2009 - 10:53 am 36. Kevin:

One word: Brazil

Apr 1, 2009 - 10:55 am 37. Paul in NJ:

UPDATE: The B-ROC will come with a factory-installed DUI Prevention Device; drivers will need to have their blood-alcohol level measured before the vehicle will start. (There is, of course, an exemption for members of Congress.)

Also, it won’t start at all if it detects a firearm in the vehicle, thanks to its patented Assault Weapon Detection Dingbat.

Apr 1, 2009 - 11:04 am 38. The Phantom:

This would be funnier if it was satire and not a description of exactly what they have planned.

Take good care of the cars you have, kids.

Apr 1, 2009 - 11:29 am 39. fireyourguns:

Great…Just Great!

What happens when this thing runs into something, like say… a milk carton?

Say it together class, “insurance premiums that match car payments”!

Apr 1, 2009 - 11:30 am 40. jdkchem:

“The Super Miraculous Engine of Awesomeness runs on highly toxic sludge and nuclear waste and emits fairy dust.”

Until the EPA determines that fairy dust causes something catastrophic.

Apr 1, 2009 - 11:38 am 41. Moogie:

Fairy dust makes the unicorns high, so that’s not good, because how can the unicorns climb up the rainbow of happiness to get their cotton candy if they’re too high?

Oh, I know: the government will have to create a new social program to rehab the fairy dust junky unicorns and provide them with nationalized health care paid for by nationalized health insurance. Of course, they’ll need housing … and food … and free cotton candy …

Apr 1, 2009 - 12:05 pm 42. Self-hating Boomer:

What makes everybody think GM’s going to stay in the car business? They want us all riding public transportation. GM’s going to be making lil’ electric choo-choo trains and bicycles.

It’s for your own good. Nannybama sez so. ‘Cept for his Chicago buds, of course. They can still drive beemers.

Apr 1, 2009 - 12:32 pm 43. Connie Stitution:

Based on what we all are about to owe on the nat’l debt, I’d say every man woman and child should get 8 of these for free. Like car stamps. You’ve already bought it, POS though it is. Hey it’s the Soviet way. Get with the program. Conservatism is dead. What did you expect. Handed it to them on a platter. China laughs.

Apr 1, 2009 - 12:34 pm 44. Jim C:

I love the satire and sarcasm.

Seriously, people want to drive big SUVs and Hummers. It’s not that GM is making cars people don’t want, it’s that people don’t want to spend money in this economy because we’re all worried about losing our jobs or taking a pay cut.

Their latest promotion (making your payments for a year) is a joke. They don’t have any money, so the government will be paying for your car…just like they’re paying for your mortgage. The same irresponsible people that bought houses they couldn’t afford are going to be buying cars they can’t afford, and the same irresponsible government that backed these bad loans will be backing more bad loans.

So how is this going to help the consumer, GM, or stimulate the economy?

Apr 1, 2009 - 12:44 pm 45. Paul -Indiana:

What is the law of nature which requires that all Green cars be butt-ugly?

Apr 1, 2009 - 1:30 pm 46. The Historian:

COWBOY WISDOM TRUMPS COMMON PERCEPTION
These people really are April fools.

http://greensrealworld.blogspot.com/2009/04/elected-april-fools.html

Apr 1, 2009 - 1:50 pm 47. Moogie:

#44 Jim C: “They don’t have any money, so the government will be paying for your car…just like they’re paying for your mortgage.”

Correction: It isn’t the government paying for anything; it’s the American tax payer and ONLY the tax paying American citizen. Not only will we be paying for all of this largesse, but we’ll be footing the bill for those millions who do not pay taxes, but will still get “rebates,” including the non-tax paying illegal immigrants.

Apr 1, 2009 - 1:56 pm 48. pete:

“Therefore, the B-ROC will need additional noise making devices…. ”

I’m thinking playing cards to rattle on the wheel spokes.

Apr 1, 2009 - 2:35 pm 49. LeighB:

These are great suggestions, all of them! #33 JMH for some reason I laughed the hardest at your suggestion. I guess that version could be called “The Howler” (apologies to Harry Potter fans).

Apr 1, 2009 - 3:39 pm 50. Jones:

Dont laugh- we’ll all be driving this federal POS if we dont take back our OUT OF CONTROL gubmint

Apr 1, 2009 - 4:33 pm 51. anonymous:

50 posts, and not a single reference to “The Homer“?!

Apr 1, 2009 - 4:59 pm 52. Stephen:

Notice the lack of “earnest” trolls on this thread? 50 and counting. That’s why satire and mockery can be rather effective.

Apr 1, 2009 - 5:31 pm 53. WhyamInotsurprised?:

Guys, don’t be so dense. BO is taking over GM but in the meantime consumers can buy Honda, Toyota, Nissan, Lexus, BMW, etc. He can dictate what cars GM will make and whom Chrysler merges with but we, as the buyers, can just tell them to go to hell! Just don’t buy their crap.

Apr 1, 2009 - 6:57 pm 54. DHK:

Would it at least record my mileage and transmit it wirelessly to the IRS to get my business mileage tax benefits???

Yeah, right!

Apr 1, 2009 - 8:04 pm 55. Jim Baker:

I never have bought a GM or a Dodge truck. I have always thought I couldn’t get my money’s worth on them. Bad cars and trucks. The only reason GM and Dodge have sold a lot of pickups is because the government had a huge import tax on any foreign manufactured trucks. This sur-tax finally expired a few years ago. I expect this protectionism to be re-installed for all imports before the year is over. I also expect at least a $1/gallon increase in the federal gas tax within one year. The Gang Green wants high gas prices and the concession they will have to make to their cousins, our collectivist trade unions, is more protectionism. We will soon be faced with car lots full of union built GM crap, in compliance with The Gang Green’s latest cafe standards, and for sale at extortionist’s prices. I plan on making my Toyota Tundra last about 15 years. I have no doubt it will, but as my punishment, I am sure I will be forced to pay extortionist registration fees to my state.
You know what they all said after they cut the tail off of the poor monkey. They said “Well, it won’t be long now.”

Apr 1, 2009 - 8:08 pm 56. Sweetbilly:

Finally, a vehicle not made by typical, gun-toting, religion-clinging, white people which is friendly to polar bears and meets a consensus for sustainability with the long haired white hippie freaks with dreadlocks who feel it is imperative to carry their own poop out of the forest preventing that pesky methane buildup in the atmosphere which contributes to global warming and makes America small like Mexico than it is to take a bath …WITH SOAP! ‘D’oH!!

…does this remind anyone of the Yugo?

Apr 1, 2009 - 8:20 pm 57. chickmagnetstuff:

well I don’t think they need to build this kind of car actually Obama just need to encourage hybrid cars lower their taxes so prices will be lower for the hybrid cars as a result people will want to buy hybrid cars more and will definitely make our life more efficient and besides this new car is too slow reaching a 60mph in 20 seconds that’s a bicycle, if they make it at least 10 seconds it would be just like a normal car should accelerate they over exaggerate safety in life making it 20 seconds its too weak and slow its just not right.

Apr 1, 2009 - 8:39 pm 58. inverse cowgirl:

The “Trabama”

Apr 1, 2009 - 9:15 pm 59. JMH:

I never have bought a GM or a Dodge truck. I have always thought I couldn’t get my money’s worth on them. Bad cars and trucks. The only reason GM and Dodge have sold a lot of pickups…

I disagree. I bought a GM four years ago, and have been very happy with it. Far happier than my last (and only) Euro car. They’ve actually gotten to the point where they can make decent cars again (and Europe is going downhill fast in that department – Japan is holding their own). Unfortunately, they’re so buried under horrible labor deals that they can’t make money. GM is the textbook example of when bankruptcy laws should reorganize the company, clear the books and let a new group of people have a go at running it. Note however that “new group” isn’t supposed to be a bunch of politically connected carpetbaggers…

Hmmm, that brings up a question. Will the B-ROC have built-in storage for carpetbags? I’m sure it will have a recycling bin welded to the bumper.

Hey, I know! It could be wind powered! Ever stick your hand out the window driving down the freeway? There’s a lot of wind. Should be plenty to generate electricty to run the car…

Apr 1, 2009 - 9:58 pm 60. Stephen:

chickmagnetstuff, you’re one wild and crazy guy!

Apr 1, 2009 - 11:18 pm 61. nascarfan:

Funny story, but there is a lot of truth to it! I am glad to hear that there are at least some people in America that understand Obama’s schemes. He may say all the right stuff and cast a perfect outward appearance, but if one has the slightest clue you can see where all this stuff he’s planning is headed. Unfortunately, not many Americans see that let alone did they see that back in November. Obama is going to nationalize many of America’s institutions is he has his way.

Apr 2, 2009 - 5:20 am 62. Ladyfarr:

OH…Hell NO!

Apr 2, 2009 - 8:57 am 63. bart:

I’m told it has been programmed NOT to stop for republicans in crosswalks.

Apr 2, 2009 - 4:45 pm 64. JW:

Iowahawk did it first, and did it better.

Apr 3, 2009 - 4:23 am 65. Jim Baker:

No problem, JMH. You have more useful information than I do on the subject of GM quality.

Apr 3, 2009 - 7:22 pm 66. El Tonto:

When satire is prophetic….

http://www.crunchgear.com/2009/04/07/gm-and-segway-announce-two-wheeled-urban-transport-vehicle/

Apr 7, 2009 - 6:51 am

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