Pajamas Media

42 Comments

1. Wacky Hermit:

I have two boys with Asperger’s Syndrome. I have to spend a good portion of each day in intense work with them just to get them to learn the skills they’ll need to cope with the world. Sometimes a good day is when no one is physically injured or urinates on the floor. It is thoroughly exhausting and some days I fall asleep in my clothes before I can put them to bed.

I “helicopter” over my boys because I have to; they don’t understand the world and it has to be explained to them in great detail by someone who is always by their side. The day when I won’t have to do it can’t come soon enough. I cannot imagine why a parent of a normal child would voluntarily take on that level of work just to “keep up appearances”.

Nov 2, 2008 - 3:22 am 2. SAF:

While we all would like to protect our kids from all things bad and evil it isn’t possible to do so. Unfair treatment? The world is full of it. So while perhaps we as parents need to step in when things are egregiously unfair it is better to help guide your kid through it than fix it for him/her.

One day you’ll be dead and if they can’t cope on their own because you shielded them from life’s mishaps then you will have failed as a parent. Support your kids, avoid needless intervention.

Nov 2, 2008 - 4:49 am 3. N C:

My observation of the phenomenon is that social cripples are produced. These kids are shocked when they get into the real world where people could care less who they are or what they are about. At this point mom and dad can not help and is a terrible time to “test one’s wings”. While we as parents only want the best for our children….sometime you have to let go of the wheel. Believe me your kids will thank you. Cheers.

Nov 2, 2008 - 6:11 am 4. keebs:

My husband is a high school teacher and a stern disciplinarian. He is alot of fun too. Most of his kids tell him they loved his history class at the end of the year.

Sadly, BECAUSE of this, it is more of a liability for him to be in the classroom, and we brace ourselves.

His EX-vice principal told him he needed to READ the “children” better to get an understanding of how to adapt to them on any given day.

Teenagers. Read them and adapt.

HA!

On a more positive note, there are some great kids in the classroom these days too.

Nov 2, 2008 - 6:59 am 5. Kevin in CT:

My wife and I have always told our kids (8,15 & 20) what our job as parents is

“To teach you to live without me”

Doesn’t get any simpler than that.

Nov 2, 2008 - 7:17 am 6. Ardsgaine:

This is a confusing article. The author takes no care to distinguish between parents who are trying to protect their children from real dangers, and parents who are trying to protect their children from having to exert any effort on their own behalf. I can’t imagine that Ms. Berry believes we should toss our children out into the world and let them sink or swim completely on their own. Surely, some amount of parental involvement and supervision is appropriate. How much, then? There’s no way to tell from what she writes.

I totally agree that children should not be placed at the center of their parents’ attention, and taught that the entire universe revolves around them. On the other hand, the parents who leave it to the public schools and the juvenile justice system to raise their children are doing far, far worse. There is a golden mean on the neglect/hover scale based on the principle that you should protect your children, discipline them, and teach them to be independent adults. It’s not an easy job, and one is likely to err at times with too little or too much. From what I have seen, it is better to err on the side of too much, particularly when it comes to protecting and supervising.

Nov 2, 2008 - 7:32 am 7. Donna V.:

A few months ago, there was a story in the WSJ about helicopter parents who continue to hover long after their children have left the nest. Astoundingly, bosses who give 20-somethings bad evals at work, or fire them have been subjected to angry calls from parents.

I told this to an acquaintance whose son is 23 and just landed a job with a high tech firm and to my amazement she told me she would do the same. She could not imagine her darling being fired for any just reason. She said firmly “he’s my son and I will fight for him until the day I die.”

The idea that parents ought to teach kids to fight their own battles is vanishing. When I was in high school, a teacher gave me an “F” on a paper because she thought I had plagarized it. I had not, and I met with her and then went to the principal and argued my case. I even prepared a little “brief” – which was longer than the original term paper! My grade was changed to a “B” and I ended up with an “A” in the class. My parents never knew a thing about it, and I was proud that I had addressed the issue myself – it seemed so adult.

Too bad many kids today will never know the satisfaction that comes from standing up for themselves, without running off for help from mommy and daddy and lawyers.

And of course, there are scary societal implications here. Obama and socialism are very attractive to many young people because they yearn for a Big Daddy who is going to take care of them.

Nov 2, 2008 - 8:11 am 8. Donna V.:

Oh, and there is this irony – all of this ridiculous coddling and fussing was started by the baby boomers. The same generation that consumed drugs by the bucketload in the ’60’s and snorted cocaine cut with Ajax in in the ’70’s turned into health nuts and safety Nazis as soon as they had kids. I see kids on bikes who are not only wearing helmets, but knee pads. Because God forbid that little Austin falls and *gasp* skins his knee.

Our benighted WWII generation parents let us get skinned knees, black eyes, and glass in the feet (because we ran around barefoot all summer). They permitted us to climb trees, built forts, and shoot bb guns.

They must have not loved us I guess.

Nov 2, 2008 - 8:25 am 9. Paul Gross:

Liked the article. I have six kids and have told them all that my job was to teach them to leave home. My wife was horrified when she first heard me say it. As a career executive in the corporate world I have seen those who parents made every decision for them and covered for them. They are absolutely incapable of assuming managerial responsibility becasue after all, they can’t manage their own lives much less manage in the work environment. and this article would only be “confusing” to those who rationalized their actions. You cant “protect” your child from everything, you have to teach them to protect themselves. You can’t be with them 24/7.

Nov 2, 2008 - 8:36 am 10. view from afar:

Ardesgain; too much is easy, if your kid can tell the difference between al of the choices on his own, then you don’t need to decide for them. A lot of times it’s just easier, in our over busy world, to just get on with the choices ourselves, so we parents don’t have to deal with the messy consequences! However as donna points out, A) the problem isn’t ours, B) the kid usually gets satisfaction from solving the resulting crisis. In todays world there isn’t time to make mistakes and then go back to try to fix them.
No room for someone to start a business, goof up and then get another chance to re-try. Anyone who succeeds immediately is great, someone who might need to re organize, or rethink something AWFUL! Look at the financial mess, quick help them fix it fix it! Oh that’s not fair they have more money than me make them split theirs…fix it
Again Donna’s right it creates socialist babies waiting for someone else to take the risk so that everyone else can profit from it. That is how the French are about everything on the surface, however if they’d lighten the social charges, most French people would love to create their own businesses…
thank you Madame Barry for this article, and re-read the article Ardsgain, it’ll make more sense eventually.

Nov 2, 2008 - 9:01 am 11. keebs:

[Our benighted WWII generation parents let us get skinned knees, black eyes, and glass in the feet (because we ran around barefoot all summer). They permitted us to climb trees, built forts, and shoot bb guns. Donna V]

I remember when it was a badge of honor to show off your cast or stitches!

Nov 2, 2008 - 9:59 am 12. Joshua:

Donna V: And of course, there are scary societal implications here. Obama and socialism are very attractive to many young people because they yearn for a Big Daddy who is going to take care of them.

You beat me to it. When I read the part about kids not having Mommy or Daddy around to bail them out, my first thought was “Well, isn’t that what the Democrats’ ‘Helicopter Society’ is for?”

And one more societal implication to ponder: How many twenty- and thirtysomethings who aren’t yet parents have taken one look at the “helicopter parenting” phenomenon, realized that that’s what today’s society would expect of them, and therefore decided they want no part of having or raising kids at all?

Nov 2, 2008 - 11:11 am 13. Wearyman:

Wacky Hermit:

I don’t think that Katherine was speaking about or to parents of Special Needs children when she wrote this article. I have two children with mild to moderate Autism Spectrum Disorder and I didn’t feel that Katherine was speaking to or about me in any way.

However, this article DOES serve as a warning to all parents that we must be vigilant about the “Nosy Nanettes” and the “Betty Busybodies” in our society that would use the power of the State to try and force us to care for our children the way they think is best.

We parents of Autism Spectrum children are PARTICULARLY vulnerable to these types of people as our children are not OBVIOUSLY “disabled” like, for example, Down Syndrome children are. I can tell you that I have gotten more than one dirty look from other parents when I am out shopping with my children. Although usually people back off when you utter the word “Autism” there are plenty of people who still have no clue what you mean.

Regardless, we need to fight against the “Helicopter Society” in America. Many thanks to Katherine for this insightful article.

Nov 2, 2008 - 11:56 am 14. rachel:

Ardsgain – You make a good point about today’s public school system. The way I see the difference is this: A good parent makes sure their child is prepared for the next grade level ahead and for college (if that is the goal). That means if your child’s teacher is failing to teach him math or reading, you pick up the slack through various methods at home. But the helicopter parent immediately assumes it is the teachers fault – it couldn’t possibly be the Johnny isn’t paying attention or that he’s just not mathematically talented. The helicopter parent flies into the classroom and demands that Johnny is giving exactly what he needs right then and there. Be it a “fixed” grade, one-on-one tutoring or that she change her teaching style to assure Johnny is number one in her class.

The public schools are sometimes failing and it is your responsibility to assure your child is on track. But if you are blaming or browbeating your child’s teacher, you going about it the wrong way.

Nov 2, 2008 - 12:02 pm 15. Christie:

Blame It on Mr. Rogers: Why Young Adults Feel So Entitled
July 5, 2007

Don Chance, a finance professor at Louisiana State University, says it dawned on him last spring. The semester was ending, and as usual, students were making a pilgrimage to his office, asking for the extra points needed to lift their grades to A’s.

“They felt so entitled,” he recalls, “and it just hit me. We can blame Mr. Rogers.”

Fred Rogers, the late TV icon, told several generations of children that they were “special” just for being whoever they were. He meant well, and he was a sterling role model in many ways. But what often got lost in his self-esteem-building patter was the idea that being special comes from working hard and having high expectations for yourself.

Now Mr. Rogers, like Dr. Spock before him, has been targeted for re-evaluation. And he’s not the only one. As educators and researchers struggle to define the new parameters of parenting, circa 2007, some are revisiting the language of child ego-boosting. What are the downsides of telling kids they’re special? Is it a mistake to have children call us by our first names? When we focus all conversations on our children’s lives, are we denying them the insights found when adults talk about adult things?

Some are calling for a recalibration of the mind-sets and catch-phrases that have taken hold in recent decades. Among the expressions now being challenged:

“You’re special.” On the Yahoo Answers Web site, a discussion thread about Mr. Rogers begins with this posting: “Mr. Rogers spent years telling little creeps that he liked them just the way they were. He should have been telling them there was a lot of room for improvement. … Nice as he was, and as good as his intentions may have been, he did a disservice.” ()

Signs of narcissism among college students have been rising for 25 years, according to a recent study led by a San Diego State University psychologist. Obviously, Mr. Rogers alone can’t be blamed for this. But as Prof. Chance sees it, “he’s representative of a culture of excessive doting.”

Prof. Chance teaches many Asian-born students, and says they accept whatever grade they’re given; they see B’s and C’s as an indication that they must work harder, and that their elders assessed them accurately. They didn’t grow up with Mr. Rogers or anyone else telling them they were born special.

By contrast, American students often view lower grades as a reason to “hit you up for an A because they came to class and feel they worked hard,” says Prof. Chance. He wishes more parents would offer kids this perspective: “The world owes you nothing. You have to work and compete. If you want to be special, you’ll have to prove it.”

“They’re just children.” When kids are rude, self-absorbed or disrespectful, some parents allow or endure it by saying, “Well, they’re just children.” The phrase is a worthy one when it’s applied to a teachable moment, such as telling kids not to stick their fingers in electrical sockets. But as an excuse or as justification for unacceptable behavior, “They’re just children” is just misguided.

“Call me Cindy.” Is it appropriate to place kids on the same level as adults, with all of us calling each other by our first names? On one hand, the familiarity can mark a loving closeness between child and adult. But on the other hand, when a child calls an adult Mr. or Ms., it helps him recognize that status is earned by age and experience. It’s also a reminder to respect your elders.

“Tell me about your day.” It is crucial to talk to kids about their lives, and that dialogue can enrich the whole family. However, parents also need to discuss their own lives and experiences, says Alvin Rosenfeld, a Manhattan-based child psychiatrist who studies family interactions.

In America today, life often begins with the anointing of “His Majesty, the Fetus,” he says. From then on, many parents focus their conversations on their kids. Today’s parents “are the best-educated generation ever,” says Dr. Rosenfeld. “So why do our kids see us primarily discussing kids’ schedules and activities?”

He encourages parents to talk about their passions and interests; about politics, business, world events. “Because everything is child-centered today, we’re depriving children of adults,” he says. “If they never see us as adults being adults, how will they deal with important matters when it is their world?”

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB1183…N=wsjie/6month

Nov 2, 2008 - 12:45 pm 16. myth buster:

I have Asperger’s, and I’ll say honestly that I’ve never thought of my condition as a disability. As a matter of fact, I consider it a blessing, because while it causes interference with social interaction, Asperger’s also sends your IQ through the roof. I turned out just fine, but I take it as a personal insult whenever people discriminate against people with Autism.

As for Helicopter parents, a word of warning. Many a helicopter parent has been stunned when their child attempts or commits suicide. Why? They had no idea they were suffocating their child with too much stress. They are shocked that teenagers do think like Patrick Henry, “Give me liberty or give me death.” If you don’t give your child any space, they will lash out, against you or against themselves, so you can’t force them to be overachievers.

Nov 2, 2008 - 1:23 pm 17. Bill in NY:

Ardsgaine: as a conservative, and a parent of two healthy boys, I tend to agree with you. The author of this article sounds to me like a teacher, or the spouse of a teacher. Granted, I can see how miserable it must be these days to deal with parents, so many of whom have an entitlement mentality. But, they created this PC world with their own unions, that won’t allow them to kick out the bad apples (students and teachers for that matter). In today’s world, with toothless law enforcement and bad judges, we have child molesters lurking in every city and rural area. We HAVE to hover, you don’t dare let your kids out of eye sight. That’s sad. It’s a different world than we grew up in. As for the schools, I keep a close eye on what they are teaching, the security situation, who their friends are, what their parents are like… because it’s a much more dangerous world for kids today than it was when we were kids. So, as a former Marine, I’m not afraid to let my kids learn about hard knocks, failure, and life lessons… but I will HOVER, you bet. And, note to you teachers: grow a spine. When a parent or a student steps out of line, put them in their place… or, doesn’t your PC school system run by your unions allow it?

Nov 2, 2008 - 1:39 pm 18. Jimbo:

My experience is that the “hyperparents” are primarily the mothers. It’s natural many mothers to overprotect. It’s the father’s job to counterbalance that with tough love. I hate to see the parents in my area go out of their way to chauffer their kids to school. I tell my kids that’s what school buses are for. If it rains, they can use raincoats. Besides, hypermoms clutter up rush hour traffic, waste fuel and generate pollution. Why do some parents want to raise pansies? My sons used to pester me about giving them rides to school because it was cold. I became angry, as we live in Florida and I can remember trudging to school in New York in the snow in my youth. I told them they need to get used to a harsh environment so when they get drafted to fight terrorists in Afghanistan, they will be able to handle harsh weather. They asked me what a “draft” was, that started another big discussion.

Nov 2, 2008 - 6:59 pm 19. mac:

You know, a lot of it is fear. People have fewer children these days and are constantly being battered by stories on how children are abused, kidnapped, raped, killed, etc.
Look at Fox News: every day they have a story on such issues. I’m not saying they don’t happen, only that in a country of 300 million people they don’t happen nearly as much as the media coverage would have people believe. It’s so bad that most men don’t want anything to do with a child that’s not their own because they’re afraid that even talking to someone else’s child might be considered an advance. That means half the adult population is now out of the business of watching out for kids doing unwittingly dangerous things.

Consequently, lots of people feel that it’s absolutely necessary to “hover” because their kids aren’t physically safe without such attention. They’re quite probably overreacting but who wants to take the chance with their own precious child? Better to be immediately safe and worry about being long-term sorry later.

Nov 3, 2008 - 3:31 am 20. jerryofva:

I second Jimbo’s observation. Helo-parenting is the province of women and feminized men. Although neither my wife nor I would think of intervening directly with a teacher, she is always “more involved” in my son’s life then I am. Her attitude has always been I must help him not fail while I kept telling both of them that you learn more from failure then success. He has turned out fine and went off to University far, far away from us. I can say that although my wife worries about the strangest things, we are happy that he is doing just fine without us.

Nov 3, 2008 - 8:58 am 21. LuckyLucy:

Unfortunately, because the author substitutes cliches for authentic anecdoctal materials or facts, the real message gets lost amid the bitter diatribe. Any evidence to prove helicopter kids are in for a rude awakening? Any stats to point they are rudderless? I thought not.

I happen to believe in the author’s unoriginal and grouchy premise. But the delivery is ho-hum, just another vemon-loaded attack on well-meaning people who love their kids and doing the best they can.

Sounds like someone forgot their lunch one day in 3rd grade, never quite got over it, but is convinced those “hard-life” experiences made her the person she is today…. OR maybe she blames her parents for interferring too often. If they had just given her more responsibility, she’d be a real writer…

Nov 3, 2008 - 9:11 am 22. momof3:

I accidently stumbled into a nest of these idiots in an online education forum. Anything for THEIR kid, they put THEIR kid first. If a school doesn’t coddle enough (or dares to tell the kid no) YANK, out they go to some other school, or homeschooling. These parents also, interestingly enough, were very agahst at a middle school pulling a book about kids having sex with teachers out of the school library. Their kid can’t be told no and must be allowed to follow their own interests at all times, but your kid should be exposed to all sorts of inappropriate trash. Insane.

Most of them have one or two kids. They all sign their emails with “mom to very special wonders Max and Cody” or similar nonsense. Get an identity apart from parenting! Your job is to make yourself obsolete!!

I regularly have to tell my kids “No, it;s ok, you can climb the tree” or whatever, after some wellmeaning helicopter tells my kid something’s too dangerous. I always do it right in front of the parents, and praise my kid for their climbing ability. I’m not raising wimps, or couch potatoes.

Nov 3, 2008 - 9:32 am 23. Susan Katz Keating:

I happen to have a daughter who participates in one of the most helicoptered of youth sports: gymnastics. Holy cow. You should see these parents in action! Over the years, I have developed this rule of thumb for guaging the number of whirlies at work in any given family: If the dad is involved, LOOK OUT. When it comes to being H.P.s, the men are not the most frequent fliers. When they do take to the skies, however, they fly an impossibly tight circle.

Nov 3, 2008 - 12:09 pm 24. Javelin:

This is just another dumb, overgeneralized garbage label-concept like soccer mom or Red State/Blue State. better to keep too much of an eye on your kids than to ignore them while they destroy themselves in drugs crime and immorality. You’d think that a con leaning blog would see it that way, since the “help” parents are more like old fashioned ones. But since this is a con-tard blog, all it does is follow other con-tarded talking points.

Nov 3, 2008 - 3:07 pm 25. Abby:

My kid has dyslexia. I have met a lot of nasty-butted teachers who wanted to label him. “Dumb” “ADHD” are just two labels that are popular right now.

If all of the teachers, coaches and parents who have access to my kids were nice and fair, I wouldn’t have to ‘hover.’ However, they are NOT. Oprah (who doesn’t have kids) came up with the idea that teachers were wonderful. They are sometimes and others, not so much.

Back off. If you are this nasty about parents who are trying to raise their kids safely, I can only imagine what you are like to my kids if they accidentally step on your kids’ toes.

Trust me, as a room mom, volunteer and general observer of people, parents protect their young, and your kids are considered competition.

Just last week a COACH (just tell me that you want me to not come around to practice after you read this?!) told me that my daughter was “one of those kids who grew really fast and isn’t very coordinated. It is funny how some kids are clumsy like her and X until they grow into their bodies.”

She said this smiling at me while we were in front of several other parents. My kid has ALWAYS been one of the tallest kids (genetics), she has won several awards for athletic events and she has never been clumsy a day in her life. Plus, I had simply begun the conversation with, ‘are we having practice next week?’ I had in no way asked for a critique.

The coach’s kid on the other hand, has a bit of a belly and IS going through that awkward puberty stage. Maybe my daughter will be clumsy when she reaches this age, maybe not. BUT the point is that a person who is responsible for my daughter, smilingly, smugly, said nasty untruths in front of several kids and parents because of her own insecurities.

Who is to say that I am supposed to back off and out of that situation? What if my daughter had heard her? I just laughed in the coach’s face because it was absurd to say that to me. I don’t think that my baby would have done that though. Unfortunately, coaches and teachers mean a lot to kids when they speak.

Nov 3, 2008 - 3:30 pm 26. penny:

The end point of good parenting is autonomy, that’s what makes for a satisfying purposeful life. Kid’s need to fail at times in order to own and learn fom their mistakes, otherwise it’s a very artificial reality and coping skills never get developed. One of the problems today is the growing number of little narcissists, ask any psychiatrist or employer. They are the kids whose parents directly and indirectly conveyed to them that they were too special to fail or be criticized.

Freud said you only needed to be a good enough parent. Too bad all of his works have been relegated to the dust bin of history.

Nov 3, 2008 - 4:03 pm 27. Old Wife:

As a teacher, all I can say is “preach it”, sister!

Nov 3, 2008 - 4:06 pm 28. cheesehead:

It’s because helicopter parents don’t view thier kids as seperate living beings. They are merely extensions of themselves. And if the kid happens to not live up to thier, mostly, unreasonable expectations they feel betrayed and that it makes them look bad.

It’s all a part of the baby boomer mentality. If you aren’t #1 it doesn’t count and your a failure. If you’re not the captain of the football team, cheerleading squad, if you’re not validictorian heading to Harvard or Yale…… then your a failure and you’ve embarrassed your parents.

And unfortunately thier kids hold this view also.

That’s not to say all parents are like this, but helicopter parents sure are.

Nov 3, 2008 - 4:10 pm 29. Jaci:

I worked for a family that employed their 30-something children who were the product of helicopter parenting. Though they all had graduate degrees, none of them could function at a job not under their parents, and not always then; they were constantly firing and rehiring one of them, specifically. They also still paid his mortgage and grocery bills and child care costs for their grandkids. This is the product of helicopter parenting, not conscientious parenting. Helicopter kids are helicopter kids for the rest of their lives, and ironically, their helicopter parents made them that way. Maybe that’s how they want them.

Nov 3, 2008 - 7:37 pm 30. Jimbo:

Sorry LuckyLucy, you are mistaken. There are data to support the contention that hyperparenting doesn’t work. Economist Steven Levitt devoted an entire chapter to it in his best selling book “Freakonomics”.

Nov 3, 2008 - 8:19 pm 31. Xanthippe:

Then there are negligent parents who let their kids run wild because they’re too lazy to effectively parent.

Sure, these kids grow up – but they also have problems, just different ones.

The tricky part is to find a balance between being nurturing and supportive without hovering.

Nov 3, 2008 - 9:58 pm 32. Kathy:

It is important to find the balance between being nurturing and allowing children to learn from their own mistakes. As children grow older, they need more and more opportunities to solve their own problems. Ideally parents serve as loving mentors helping to guide their children in becoming competent decision makers.

Nov 4, 2008 - 9:21 am 33. MarkD:

I had two daughters who participated in club gymnastics and saw no helicopter parents. The kids can do a move, or not. You can’t fake it. Mom and dad can’t help. The coach, a great guy, would not tolerate parental interference. Serious injury is always a possibility at the higher levels.

My job was to drive them to practice, every day, then make sure the homework got done. It made for late dinner times, and two self confident and physically fit adults who know they earned everything they got.

Nov 5, 2008 - 12:23 pm 34. Rob:

The comment about the F in the article: “Even if Mom knows Joey was playing video games in his room when he should have been studying, and that living with an F is a good way for him to learn about the consequences of bad choices, she still worries what other people will think”

Here’s the rub. Johnnie may not (probably doesn’t) care if he got an F. How many people are truly self-motivated? If the kid doesn’t care and the parents don’t care, then of course Johnny will ‘earn’ straight F’s. It’s a disservice to your kids to not be involved in their schoolwork.

If they are playing video games instead of doing homework, don’t you think it’s your job to enforce the work-before-play rule? Or do you think all kids are born being perfect? If the parents take no responsibility or interest in their kids lives, i guarantee you, the kids will not be motivated. It doesn’t get better once they leave the nest, either.

Nov 6, 2008 - 3:41 pm 35. And Now, For Something Completely Different:

[...] didn’t realize it, but my column on the pitfalls of Helicopter Parenting ran last week at Pajamas [...]

Nov 10, 2008 - 4:21 pm 36. The Dangers of Helicopter Parenting : I Think Therefore I Blog:

[...] Read the rest here. [...]

Nov 10, 2008 - 4:23 pm 37. Donna B.:

Nothing in this article was directed at parents of special needs children, whether it’s autism, dyslexia, or some other combination of physical and intellectual educational needs.

I raised three children and one of my proudest moments (I had many) as a mother was when my daughter was upset with her English teacher. This happened to be the same English teacher her older sister had had problems with so I was ready to do battle.

Unlike her older sister, who just said “Mom, don’t embarrass me by showing up at school” the younger one explained that she could handle the problem by herself, she just wanted me to listen to her rant about it.

On the other hand, when my physically disabled son was given an F in math because his penmanship was poor, I raised a stink. I told them it was fine to give him an F in penmanship, but not in math if they could read the answers (and they admitted they could). I suggested this was unfair for every student, not just my son.

I also raised a stink when the school prohibited him from taking part in any physical education activities at all. We reached a compromise that he would only be kept out of activities that required climbing.

Schools aren’t perfect, and it’s well that parents realize the schools hold to their own self-interest first. But when it came to grades, I mostly just asked my children if they’d done the best they could and if they had, then they had to learn to live with it. If they hadn’t (most often the case) then it was up to them to change that.

Each child is different and each needs a different level of parental involvement. My youngest wanted to discuss everything with me, she asked for my input on almost everything she wrote until college, when she thought having me proofread her work was a violation of the honor code.

She did send me a law review article she wrote and asked my opinion on only one part of it — was it understandable by someone who wasn’t a lawyer.

There is no one answer, but fairness must be considered first of all. Don’t blame the school when it’s your or your child’s fault, but hold them accountable when they “pick” on someone or some group.

Nov 10, 2008 - 7:16 pm 38. LuckyLucy:

Thanks for the info Jimbo, though I read Freakonomics too by the way.

Too bad the journalist doesn’t cite any stats or books. My comments were about the writer, not the subject. Unsubstantiated venom is so tiresome.

Nov 11, 2008 - 7:35 am 39. mom aga:

#31 Xanthippe
ironically, the helicopter parents and inattentive parents I know are, all too often, the same parents! When they pay attention, they are the biggest interferers you can imagine. But, when they choose to not pay attention, their kids could practically murder someone in front of them, and at best they’d call out a vague instructions to ‘play nice!’ And should their kids misbehaviour actually cause a problem, then in a blink of an eye, it’s ‘Heli-mode ON!’

I guess I got lucky, my parents were born just pre-war. A bit older than the babyb-boomers, so we were raised with the mentality of a previous generation. I knew some kids whose parents were pushy and too involved, but not many. Most of us were embarrassed for their sake when their parents showed up at school.

When I had my kids in my very early twenties, many of the parents I knew were baby-boomers who came late to the parenting game. I was constantly befuddled by what I saw as extreme involvement. On the one hand, it was good to see dad’s making more of an effort to be involved, but to be constantly in the teacher’s business and never recognizing that your kid could be less than top of the list in some way, was weird. I was more inclined to be like my mom, send ‘em to school, volunteer occaisionally, at some point be room mom. I soon realized that room mom was going to be way more effort than I could afford to put in, I’d have to leave it to someone who could afford to stay home with her kids and therefore make a career out of cupcakes and playground duty.

20-years later, I have another little one. I’m now one of those late to parenting moms. There is something to be said about the helicoptering coming from being parents later and to fewer kidas. There is a level of preciousness, an awareness of irreplacibility, with this boy that I never felt as a 22 year old parent of two kids and expectation of having as large a family as I grew up in. That didn’t pan out, and by the time having more kids was an option, it wasn’t so easily acheived. He is the reward of a lot of time and effort anda is highly unlikely to have a younger sibling. I can see being a bit protective if he was my first and only! But, I’ll try to be the same parent I was. The first two turned out rather well, and were self-supporting before most of their friends emerged from the cocoon of college. Being a step-back parent seems harder though, as so much of the helicoptering has become entrenched and expected.

Nov 17, 2008 - 5:51 am 40. LM:

I am a teacher with 10 years of experience. My experience has mainly been at poor and lower middle class schools. This is my first year teaching at an upperclass school and I definitely see the helicopter parent phenomena destroying this next generation of affluent kids. The old saying is still true: “adversity builds character.” This generation of affluent kids have been overly shielded from adversity and are not developing the character and coping skills to make it in the future.

For years, I taught at an inner city school and helped many kids understand math and life in general. It was very easy to do this because the parents and kids understood the importance of what I was doing. Parents were grateful for my contributions to their child’s life. Kids would wrtie long thank you letters for helping them to understand Math for the first time. These kids would leave my class ready for future Math classes and ready to face high school and life challenges.

I really don’t think that the parents of the upperclass will allow me to prepare their children for high school or life. Each time their son or daughter gets a D or F, we have to meet to better understand what could have possibly been wrong with my test. There was one student who would repeatedly disrupt the class and mom would come to bail her out just as quick. Discipline did not work for this kid because she already knew that she could do whatever she wanted and mom would automatically come to her rescue. Could you imagine this kid in high school or college? There is one little boy who I fear may commit suicide because he has internalized the anxieties of his helicopter mom.

This helicopter parenting trend may cause this generation of affluent kids to be in worst shape than their inner city counterparts. Now I understand why more companies are moving overseas-I could not possibly imagine the future work ethic of these youngsters. It is really scary.

Nov 20, 2008 - 12:32 am 41. Shake Me:

I’m reading this article as an antidote to an experience I’ve just had with the parents of two students who plagiarized on one of my classroom assignments. When asked to re-do the assignment, these two indignant young ladies complained to their parents who wasted no time in getting on the phone to plan their joint counterattack. This year alone, this is the fifth situation where parents have felt entitled to rudely attack my credentials, my experience, and my character when my evaluations of their students’ work don’t correlate to their version of reality. See the post from Bill the Marine above — you get the picture. I work in a community with similarly bullish adults who’ve been trained to think we’re in a constant state of war and act accordingly even in the civilian world. And, yes, Bill, union or not, I do stand up to these parents, and as a result, I spend a lot of time in the principal’s office when I should be attending to the needs of the children who belong to the new Silent Majority.

Unfortunately, these kinds of parents make it difficult for teachers to appreciate those who genuinely express their concerns in a polite, professional manner with thoughtful questions and mutually respectful objectivity about their student’s achievement. It gets harder and harder to separate the bad apples when you’ve eaten a worm so many times. It helps to see here that the parental community is having this discussion — I just wish some of you could show up at my next parent conference!

Nov 27, 2008 - 8:38 am 42. Are you really doing a favour by doing it for me? | Tomasz Gorecki | Debt In Your 20's Is The Kiss of Death:

[...] Helicopter parents [...]

Jun 3, 2009 - 9:42 pm

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