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Holy Smokes: Turning Cigarettes Into a Religion
A church that considers smoking a sacrament? It gives a whole new meaning to "Ash Wednesday."
I have always believed that God would probably be a grizzled old bearded guy with a voice like Johnny Cash and an attitude that’s a cross between John Wayne and Jack Bauer. But now I get to picture him with a lit cigarette hanging from his lips as He pronounces your fate on Judgment Day.
Of course since it is bars that are joining The One and Universal Smokers Church of God one can honestly say they are going to church after work. This has marvelous possibilities for increasing the plummeting attendance of churches in the European Union. If they could somehow combine the smoker’s church with the High and Holy Church of Beer I see a whole new group of very devout worshipers and “church attendance” skyrocketing. Why, we could see more devoutness around the world than we have seen since the Inquisition and what’s more it would be devoutness done with a glad heart and much enthusiasm rather than racking and burning at the stake.
I am feeling pretty pious myself right about now and am thinking I should crack open a cold one and light up a Holy Smoke. Speaking of which, smokers would no longer be pariahs but would be seen as devout adherents to a religion and chasing us outside into the cold of winter would no longer be allowed. Imagine a world of non smokers as apostates. The next time you light up and someone coughs loudly and glares at you for daring to pray in their presence you can sue them for stomping on your religious freedom.
Of course the existence of this Church opens up whole new possibilities for Barack Obama, who reportedly quit smoking recently. He left his church of twenty years after it was revealed his pastor is racist, hateful and anti-American so he’s bound to be looking for a new church to attend. I’d like to suggest if the whole President thing doesn’t work out for him that he take up the mantle of leadership for the North American branch of The One and Universal Smokers Church of God. Once Tony Rezko gets out of jail he can come aboard as the money man.
The one problem Obama will run into is the left’s notorious anti-tobacco and anti-religion stance. So they would have two fronts on which to attack this new church. In fact I can’t think of any other construct that has the possibility of angering the hard left unless you added in actually pouring crude oil directly onto the heads of baby seals and deliberately setting old growth forests aflame while railing against a deaf, blind, obese African American lesbian at your worship services.
Once one gets away from the nanny state of the modern western world, one finds smoking is much more common that it is here. The One and Universal Smokers Church of God could easily go international and then Obama would be poised to know true power in running a worldwide church. We could call him “The Pope of Smoke.”
Forget about running the United States, Barack. My advice to you is to drop out now and secure your place in The One and Universal Smokers Church of God and shoot for the Holy Smoking Stars, baby.
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Kender Macgowan is a snarky conservative and CEO of WAR Radio. He blogs at Kenders’ Musings.
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12 Comments
1. CaptDMO:And so the battle continues. “New laws” to get around the basic tenents shared by “old religions” (based on universal truisms of the human condition), and “New Religions” to circumvent the new laws.
Jul 21, 2008 - 6:28 am 2. John Samford:Give your favorite Scientologist a free hug during Kwanza, and be sure to offer them an
appropriate blessing in Esperanto-
that the climate show mercy upon them.
Religion is a state of mine. Since there is no god, there never has been a god and there never will be a god, it’s something normal people will just have to suffer thru until they find a cure.
Jul 21, 2008 - 8:08 am 3. Drive Time Happy Hour » 7-21-08:I’m thinking it will be chemical.
Meanwhile, EVERYBODY dies. No exceptions. If I want to have a cigarette while I’m waiting to see what kills me, that is my business, not the governments, yours or anybody else’s.
[...] Kender MacGowan: Smokers paradise promised by the “One and Universal Smokers Church of God in the Netherlands…A smoking ban that went into effect in bars on July 1st has prompted one man, Michiel Eijsbouts to start a new religion dedicated to “the trinity of smoke, fire and ash.” Stating that they “honour their god by smoking,” the new church claims protections under the Dutch Constitution and European Union Charter. Several bars have already joined.” [...]
Jul 21, 2008 - 10:38 am 4. Cameron:Go have another Big Mac and write another article. *cough*
Jul 21, 2008 - 12:54 pm 5. Brickle:In my religion all persons over the age of 14 are required to go armed at all times, so that they can defend our God and our faith. Yet it requires that your weapon be held in secret, much as the Christians think you should not boast about your piety.
We call our God ChCW. We thank ChCW (Pronounced “Chick-WA”) for the shall issue laws in 40 states.
We hold that our faithful should practice with their weapon weekly, at services at their local gun range.
We are wondering at this point if our ammunition should be tax-deductable?
Jul 22, 2008 - 8:44 am 6. Always On Watch:Muslims don’t need an ashtray to pray
But they are found of their hookahs!
Jul 22, 2008 - 3:08 pm 7. Kat:*snicker*
There’s my good buddy Kender! I love how much you enjoy lighting a match and tossing it into a pile of firecrackers
But, really, I can’t blame this guy for starting the “church” – too much nanny-statism would drive any sane person around the bend. Unfortunately, America is following close behind Europe and signing our freedoms away… *sigh*
Jul 22, 2008 - 3:16 pm 8. GM Roper:You see, Kender has this wierd sense of humor that is triggered by oddball behavior in others. That is one reason I never give him any reason to trigger his sence of humor.
Jul 22, 2008 - 3:30 pm 9. Ogre:I am joining this religion and will then stand in the local public school and demand that I be allowed to smoke. And my children, too.
Jul 22, 2008 - 5:38 pm 10. Raven:Ogre, I shall join you. We shall wait and see what happens. If we’re arrested- we can claim discrimination against our religion, and it should stand up in the legal eye.
Jul 22, 2008 - 8:08 pm 11. Michael:I am spiritual with my tobacco daily. I think declaring my commitment to this religion would work well for me and piss off the Marxist in my work. I worship the Cigars, (not the ones Hillary’s husband likes but the ones that smoke for about an hour while sipping a beer…..and sometimes a scotch..
Jul 22, 2008 - 10:08 pm 12. Gary O. Kent:Count me in!
Quick, where do I join!? Or try this one: smoking is an addiction, and therefore I am covered by ADA, so I can smoke wherever I please. Got it.
Jul 27, 2008 - 3:23 pm