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Holy Smokes: Turning Cigarettes Into a Religion

A church that considers smoking a sacrament? It gives a whole new meaning to "Ash Wednesday."

July 21, 2008 - by Kender MacGowan
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Dear Lord,

We thank thee for this fine tobacco, Father. We thank thee for Philip Morris and *cough*our Patron Saint the Marlboro Man. We pray you bring us protection from sanctimonious former smokers, full ashtrays and ever increasing sin taxes. Accept this offering of smooth, mellow flavor, oh Lord, that You may*cough* know our pleasure in Your bounty of the wonderful leaf that brings us bold, soothing satisfaction.

A*cough*men.

Or so might go the prayer of the new One and Universal Smokers Church of God in the Netherlands. A smoking ban that went into effect in bars on July 1st has prompted one man, Michiel Eijsbouts to start a new religion dedicated to “the trinity of smoke, fire and ash.” Stating that they “honour their god by smoking,” the new church claims protections under the Dutch Constitution and European Union Charter. Several bars have already joined.

Eijsbouts, although well intentioned, is something of a loon. Either that or he is mixing wacky weed with his Winston’s:

Church founder Michiel Eijsbouts says café owners who are trying to get round the ban on smoking will not be allowed to join. The church, he says, takes smoking very seriously.

‘It has ritual aspects, it is something you experience and we follow our faith very strictly,’ he told the Telegraaf.

Every religion has its ascetics, I suppose.

Worshipers of the Almighty Smoke receive a card that entitles them to light up inside cafes. While there is no word yet of other Holy Practices of the One and Universal Smokers Church of God I think it is safe to assume that they will bring a whole new meaning to “Ash Wednesday.”

This leads me to other questions. Is it a sin to ash on the floor? Is one kind of cigarette holier than another? Can Dutch citizens write cigarettes off on their taxes now as donations to the church? What about other paraphernalia such as ashtrays and lighters? If you burn to death in bed after falling asleep while holding a lit cigarette is that Divine retribution or the Devil going after a devout follower of The Smoking God?

If I were to start an affiliate church here in America, I would double down on the Muslims and make it a rule that you have to pray 10 times a day, going Allah 5 better. Of course, Muslims don’t need an ashtray to pray and the call to prayer isn’t interrupted by the muezzin going into uncontrollable fits of coughing.

This new religion also opens up a whole new business for iconographers — you know those folks that make those pictures of Jesus to hang on your wall? Imagine a new Jesus icon with a Marlboro dangling and maybe even a cowboy hat. Maybe God wasn’t smiting Sodom and Gomorrah as much as He was just trying to get His followers to light up and worship Him in the way He demands. Maybe the Hawaiian’s have the right idea with Pele, Goddess of the Volcano.

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Kender Macgowan is a snarky conservative and CEO of WAR Radio. He blogs at Kenders’ Musings.

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12 Comments

1. CaptDMO:

And so the battle continues. “New laws” to get around the basic tenents shared by “old religions” (based on universal truisms of the human condition), and “New Religions” to circumvent the new laws.
Give your favorite Scientologist a free hug during Kwanza, and be sure to offer them an
appropriate blessing in Esperanto-
that the climate show mercy upon them.

Jul 21, 2008 - 6:28 am 2. John Samford:

Religion is a state of mine. Since there is no god, there never has been a god and there never will be a god, it’s something normal people will just have to suffer thru until they find a cure.
I’m thinking it will be chemical.
Meanwhile, EVERYBODY dies. No exceptions. If I want to have a cigarette while I’m waiting to see what kills me, that is my business, not the governments, yours or anybody else’s.

Jul 21, 2008 - 8:08 am 3. Drive Time Happy Hour » 7-21-08:

[...] Kender MacGowan: Smokers paradise promised by the “One and Universal Smokers Church of God in the Netherlands…A smoking ban that went into effect in bars on July 1st has prompted one man, Michiel Eijsbouts to start a new religion dedicated to “the trinity of smoke, fire and ash.” Stating that they “honour their god by smoking,” the new church claims protections under the Dutch Constitution and European Union Charter. Several bars have already joined.” [...]

Jul 21, 2008 - 10:38 am 4. Cameron:

Go have another Big Mac and write another article. *cough*

Jul 21, 2008 - 12:54 pm 5. Brickle:

In my religion all persons over the age of 14 are required to go armed at all times, so that they can defend our God and our faith. Yet it requires that your weapon be held in secret, much as the Christians think you should not boast about your piety.

We call our God ChCW. We thank ChCW (Pronounced “Chick-WA”) for the shall issue laws in 40 states.

We hold that our faithful should practice with their weapon weekly, at services at their local gun range.

We are wondering at this point if our ammunition should be tax-deductable?

Jul 22, 2008 - 8:44 am 6. Always On Watch:

Muslims don’t need an ashtray to pray

But they are found of their hookahs!

Jul 22, 2008 - 3:08 pm 7. Kat:

*snicker*

There’s my good buddy Kender! I love how much you enjoy lighting a match and tossing it into a pile of firecrackers ;-)

But, really, I can’t blame this guy for starting the “church” – too much nanny-statism would drive any sane person around the bend. Unfortunately, America is following close behind Europe and signing our freedoms away… *sigh*

Jul 22, 2008 - 3:16 pm 8. GM Roper:

You see, Kender has this wierd sense of humor that is triggered by oddball behavior in others. That is one reason I never give him any reason to trigger his sence of humor.

Jul 22, 2008 - 3:30 pm 9. Ogre:

I am joining this religion and will then stand in the local public school and demand that I be allowed to smoke. And my children, too.

Jul 22, 2008 - 5:38 pm 10. Raven:

Ogre, I shall join you. We shall wait and see what happens. If we’re arrested- we can claim discrimination against our religion, and it should stand up in the legal eye.

Jul 22, 2008 - 8:08 pm 11. Michael:

I am spiritual with my tobacco daily. I think declaring my commitment to this religion would work well for me and piss off the Marxist in my work. I worship the Cigars, (not the ones Hillary’s husband likes but the ones that smoke for about an hour while sipping a beer…..and sometimes a scotch..
Count me in!

Jul 22, 2008 - 10:08 pm 12. Gary O. Kent:

Quick, where do I join!? Or try this one: smoking is an addiction, and therefore I am covered by ADA, so I can smoke wherever I please. Got it.

Jul 27, 2008 - 3:23 pm

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