Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down Half This Wall
A celebration of the great "moderate" events in (fake) history.
In October 1492, when Christopher Columbus discovered that the trip was taking longer than expected and his sailing associates began to threaten him with mutiny, Columbus reached a compromise with the sailors’ union representative and the ship community organizers by promising to turn back if land was not sighted in five minutes, on condition that they wouldn’t tell anyone. The land would’ve been discovered the next day, but maintaining good relations with the sailing community was a much more important objective. Upon their return, Columbus and his associates told people that they had reached a bountiful shore but they didn’t bring any proof of it because they felt it would be wrong to engage in trade and corrupt indigenous cultures with Western-made trinkets.
One can find many examples of great compromises between right and wrong in the Bible. In the year of 33 AD, Jesus famously drew a line in the sand and suggested, “Let he who is without a Class 1 felony or who hasn’t been arrested within the last five years and has no pending warrants cast the first stone.” Mary Magdalene was subsequently stoned to death, but the needs of the many prevailed in this textbook example of a graceful compromise that met the demands of the larger community.
Realizing that the road to political fortune is paved with principled compromises, today’s Republicans have long ago abandoned the concept of “small government” and are instead calling for “smaller government,” which means that if they ever reduce the government’s consumption of the GDP from 20% to 19.99%, they can declare victory and call it a day.
Unfortunately, not all Republicans are willing to open their minds to the numerous opportunities of getting along and compromising their principles in a graceful and acceptable manner. Opponents of abortion, for example, could find an easy way out of their unpopular stand by accepting socialized medicine, which will inevitably make the lines so long that by the time a pregnant woman reaches the top of the waiting list, her baby is already 18 months old and no political harm is done to any of the parties.
It is high time everyone in America understood that only by being moderate and sacrificing our principles to the greater good can we maintain a more average union, improve the Constitution with an equal proportion of negative and positive rights, and fulfill the promise of the Bill of Permissions, which entitles all men, women, and transgendered persons to existence, compliance, and administered satisfaction.
Only then can we collectively live up to the vision of American forefathers — a moderately illuminated urban environment on a slope.
This piece was written together with Bryan McCarthy, who is also a regular contributor to the People’s Cube.
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Oleg Atbashian, a writer and graphic artist from Ukraine, currently lives in New York. He is the creator of ThePeoplesCube.com, a satirical website where he writes under the name of Red Square.
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36 Comments
1. Ed Wallis:Comrades! I half-applaud you!
May 13, 2009 - 1:52 am 2. LeighB:Let’s see, what else would have been done better in moderation? The D-day invasion (we should have stormed every other beach); the half-repeal of Prohibition, to be fair to the Capone gang and the Kennedys; only half of the women should have been allowed the vote; Patrick Henry really said, “Give me liberty or give me…whatever”; and voting for Obama.
May 13, 2009 - 4:00 am 3. elvis:History runs over anyone walking the road of moderation!
May 13, 2009 - 5:29 am 4. sheesh:Democracy is on the stroll!
We don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cap.
It is unknowable how long that conflict [the war in Iraq] will last. It could last three days, three weeks. I doubt three months.
May 13, 2009 - 6:23 am 5. Fred Beloit:All things in moderation, most especially moderation. So at the next election I will have the opportunity to vote against that great go-along-to-get-along RINO Charley Crist. But I won’t, no I won’t. In the spirit of moderation and half measures I will not vote against him. I will simply not vote for him. Thank you.
May 13, 2009 - 6:59 am 6. Sapwolf:Yah, how about:
“You can tread a little bit on me.”
Battle-cry of the moderate.
May 13, 2009 - 6:59 am 7. Joe Bison:You are too rigid in thought. Contemplate
May 13, 2009 - 7:38 am 8. anton:the sound of one hand clapping Grasshopper.
Then you will be able to understand the Way
and follow the Path.
@4. sheesh:
WTF? Incoherence must be your speciality.
May 13, 2009 - 7:43 am 9. Bill Perron:Republicans should not panic, times always change, this present bunch will screw things up so bad people will be clamoring to swing back to the right. Remember Carter, well Obama will be worse. Republicans bounced back after Nixon with Ronnie, and they really need to be open and ready for the next big shift to the right and this time don’t screw it up by putting another Texan in office. Two lousy presidents in my life, Johnson and Bush, both from Texas. God knows how I hate blowhards from Texas.
May 13, 2009 - 8:06 am 10. Self-hating Boomer:Give me liberty, or give me a cold!
May 13, 2009 - 8:21 am 11. Teleprompter Jesus:Yes, we might!
May 13, 2009 - 8:24 am 12. Moderate Lincoln:All men are created equal. But some are more equal than others.
May 13, 2009 - 8:29 am 13. Moderate Evil Knievel:Today, I will jump half the Grand Canyon on my unicycle.
May 13, 2009 - 8:31 am 14. Saltherring:You’ve got it right on milquetoast moderates, Oleg. Stand for nothing, fall for Obama…..
May 13, 2009 - 8:40 am 15. LeighB:I’m in it to wing it. (sorry Hill, could not resist)
bin Laden – Wanted: Dead or Outtasight.
May 13, 2009 - 9:12 am 16. Brenda Levy:I’d like to thank the author(s) for their humor. The point is made far more easily with humor than with a serious essay.
May 13, 2009 - 9:15 am 17. AlanABQ:In both the 2000 & 2004 election cycles, the presidency was braznly stolen by the GOP working behind the scenes with the Diebold corp. and their Saudi Arabian handl…
Oh wait; that’s been done.
May 13, 2009 - 9:39 am 18. goy:Brilliant! Classic! LMAO @ “…Class 1 felony…”!!
And incidentally, the “half that wall” bit is oddly apropos:
Moderation is compromise. And compromise with leftist, moral adolescents is cultural and social suicide.
May 13, 2009 - 9:52 am 19. Bryan McCarthy:Comrades,
Thanks for the praise.
Both myself and Oleg emigrated here to pursue the great “American Dream”. However we learned to compromise our hard line principles.
We now pursue the great “N.A.F.T.A Hallucination”
May 13, 2009 - 10:09 am 20. Kersplat:You know, there IS room for compromise — or rather perhaps the term “tolerance” is more appropriate. Yes, there are the liberal fascists, with which no compromise is possible. These are the lefties who embrace zero tolerance for any views outside of their own. The right side has their equivalent who have zero tolerance.
But in this financial crisis, where we are loosing our country, there is room for compromise with “democrats” and “liberals” if we employ a little bit of tolerance. I am talking about those who fall on the left side of this partisan divide, yet nonetheless love our country, its rule of law (with blindfolded justice for all), the Constitution and what it all stands for. These people are liberal, but not extreme intolerant types. There are plenty of democrats/liberals who are becoming increasingly horrified at what is happening with our economy and where our country is going. Regardless of whether the Repub party broadens its tent or not, all of those who believe in our American Republic need to pull together so as to unite against the real cause of this problem — liberal fascists. This partisan culture war is a distraction that gets in the way of this happening.
May 13, 2009 - 11:39 am 21. Moogie:#2 Leigh B: “Give me liberty or give me … whatever.”
LOLOL! My new mantra.
Great article.
May 13, 2009 - 11:51 am 22. JOHB B:“A day that will live till we rewrite the history books”
“GOD so liked the world that HE almost sent HIS SON……….”
May 13, 2009 - 11:54 am 23. Teacher in Texas:I used to tell my history classes that the wonderful Byzantine Empire built by Theodosius the Great, fell into disrepair under his son, Sylvester the Not Bad.
May 13, 2009 - 12:12 pm 24. Moogie:… and there’s Alexander the Mediocre
May 13, 2009 - 1:48 pm 25. Bilgeman:Dear Conrade Oleg:
I give it a “C”.
Regards;
May 13, 2009 - 2:50 pm 26. Red Square:And let’s not forget that Ivan the Terrible assumed power on the coattails of his father, Ivan the Not So Bad.
May 13, 2009 - 2:50 pm 27. JFK:There is no strife, no prejudice, no national conflict in Canada as yet. Its hazards are hostile to us all. Its conquest deserves the best of all mankind, and its opportunity for peaceful cooperation many never come again. But why, some say, Saskatchewan? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the hill? Why, 35 years ago, fly to Long Island? Why does Rice play piano? We choose to go to Saskatchewan. We choose to go to Saskatchewan in this century and do the other things, not because they are hard, but because they will only piss of the Canadians, because that goal does not piss off the Mexicans, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too.
And so on. Maybe. Never mind.
May 13, 2009 - 3:03 pm 28. Bilgeman:If bin-Laden was a “moderate”, would that mean we’d still have one tower of the WTC standing?
May 13, 2009 - 3:19 pm 29. Delia:Every hair-brained idea is worthy of implementing as long as it’s only a half-@ssed attempt. Plus, it’s so much easier to flip-flop on an issue!
Lefties/Progressives are great fence-jockeys though, ya gotta give ‘em that. No color exists in their warped, dreary rainbows…only shades of gray.
Great article! Thank you for the chuckles.
May 13, 2009 - 6:07 pm 30. Dave:Great Moderates in History– Dr. Martin Luther King, who said he had a dream that white people would only sort of notice the color of his childrens’ skin, but give somewhat greater weight to the content of their characters, except under extenuating circumstances in which skin color counted for somewhat more than half of their value, character being somewhat less than half..
but mostly, their character would be more noticed than their skin color, all other things being sort of equal.
May 13, 2009 - 6:51 pm 31. Dave:Obama is actually a moderate.
Remember during the campaign, when he told that little girl America should get back to the days when it was better? He also spent time telling people we were going to be better in the future than we’d ever been.
So we were better in the past, and we’ll be better in the future. Totally moderate.
And like all moderates, his liberalism shines through during the moment of practical application– RIGHT NOW, America SUCKS.
May 13, 2009 - 6:54 pm 32. MiamaMan:RINO Arnold Schwarwhatever when he was “youngest” said he vas a moderate, that on politikal spektrum he seated to the left of Hitler, a little to the right of Gengis Khan.
May 13, 2009 - 7:39 pm 33. Aaron:Actually, the Emancipation Proclamation was more moderate: It only freed the slaves held in the Confederacy (which didn’t recognize Lincoln’s authority anyway), but those in Missouri, Maryland, Delaware and Kentucky remained in chains until the 13th Amendment was passed.
May 13, 2009 - 10:22 pm 34. Abe'sSarcasticGhost:That a boy Aaron. It takes determination to not get the point.
May 14, 2009 - 10:24 am 35. WinstonFan:Shields up!
Churchill: We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them on the hills, we will fight them on the streets, we will never surrender until the press starts asking difficult questions or the polls show declining support for the war.
May 14, 2009 - 1:43 pm 36. kabud:if anyone thinks that soviet communism is not there any more
you should get this reality check:
Yes, it is about their enormous advantage in strategic weapons of mass destruction
http://www.financialsense.com/stormwatch/geo/pastanalysis/2009/0508.html
http://www.nti.org/e_research/profiles/Russia/index.html
http://thebulletin.metapress.com/content/t2j78437407v3qv1/fulltext.pdf
May 15, 2009 - 5:20 pm