Obama Apologizes to Asteroids for ‘Observing Their Motions Without a Warrant’
Comets and other cosmic debris aren't our enemies. They are simply Facebook friends that we haven't met yet.
He went on:
There are those who say that it is futile to attempt to talk non-sentient, even inanimate objects from their deadly course. I say that any object that can slam into the earth with no warning can hardly be characterized as “inanimate,” and that this is just the irrational and mindless prejudice of patriarchal linear thinking. In the coming months, or years, or however long it takes for me to actually get a new NASA administrator in place, we will reach out to our brothers of the sun.
And so I say, to all extraterrestrial rocks, whether carbonaceous or metallic, to all the dirty ice balls that share our star, from the inner system to the Kuiper Belt and the Oort Cloud, I speak not just as an American, or even as a Kenyan or an Indonesian. I speak to you as a Terran and a citizen of the Galaxy. I know that we have much cruel history to live down, from stealing so much of the sun’s resources over the past eons to invading the moon almost 40 years ago with cynical statements about “coming in peace for all mankind.”
Thus I come to you in supplication, to abjectly kowtow to our insensate mineral companions, our fellow travelers around our star. I want to grovel before the gravel and negotiate with you with no preconditions, so that we may discuss our differences and work out the best means of appeasing you while asking little of you.
We know that we are not at war with the asteroids. America does not consider Apophis the enemy. It is simply a Facebook friend that we haven’t met yet. So let us come together, mano en regolith, to build a better future for all of Sol’s children.
As he completed his speech, the president turned to the sun — bringer of Green power, shining brightly in the late afternoon — and got down on his knees. He prostrated himself before the energy god, even deeper than he had before the oil god in Riyadh, and loudly declared, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do. I weep for my planet, when I contemplate that Sol is just.”
The crowd cheered, knowing that at last there would be peace in our time.
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Rand Simberg is a recovering aerospace engineer and a consultant in space commercialization, space tourism and Internet security. He offers occasionally biting commentary about infinity and beyond at his weblog, Transterrestrial Musings.
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12 Comments
1. A. Nonymous:Not funny. Just sad. But right on target!
Apr 14, 2009 - 5:35 am 2. Delia:ROTFL! What next? Apologizing for cow poop? Oy vey!
Impact in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1….
Apr 14, 2009 - 6:05 am 3. BC:Gawd, I thought you were goofy on Usenet….
Apr 14, 2009 - 7:51 am 4. Warpublican:I love watching the right wing implode. I mean love it…
Apr 14, 2009 - 7:53 am 5. Peter the Bubblehead:Geez, BC and Warpublican, get a sense of humor!
Apr 14, 2009 - 9:11 am 6. krgard:Has Cape Kennedy, I mean Canaveral, just been insulted by Houston’s lack of any clear direction to somewhere over the Ozone layer?
Apr 14, 2009 - 9:23 am 7. Cybergeezer:Now, this is a story with real “gravity”; GRAVITY, get it? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ………
Apr 14, 2009 - 10:50 am 8. Phineas:Apophis is back again?? Man, how many times does SG-1 have to kill him?
Apr 14, 2009 - 12:10 pm 9. Rocky:Great satire! I especially love the fact that all you have to do is change the nouns here or there, and like Ad Libs (remember those from about 30 years ago?), this Obama speech can be used and re-used for all kinds of his speeches, and it still will be right on target EVERY time.
Beautiful work.
Apr 14, 2009 - 2:36 pm 10. Bob:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apr 16, 2009 - 3:15 pm 11. Whack Job:What is the point of this satire. Is it simply straw man humor. Obama has never come close to saying anything this stupid so where is the joke. Satire requires some semblance to reality. So where is the connection here. Or is just another example of the space industry’s biggest idiot blathering on yet again about how much he can’t stand sharing the planet with Obama. Get over it Rand, the tall guy won, and the majority of voters picked someone you don’t like. But instead you carry on like an elitist at every opportunity – with your idiot fan club denouncing the rest of the citizenry for voting for someone they and you don’t like. Sorry but that’s democracy and just because you don’t like the result does not mean those that voted for him are stupid. Unless you really are an elitist who thinks he knows so much better that the rest of the nation who did vote for him. Which is it Rand – are you an elitist or just a sore loser who can’t accept that people don’t agree with you and therefore they are morons – a word you use so often on your stupid blog to describe most if not all people you don’t agree with.
Jul 10, 2009 - 9:46 am 12. Michael Lonie:“Obama has never come close to saying anything this stupid so where is the joke.”
You obviously did not pay attention to what he was doing at the UN the other day.
Obama won the election. That gives him the opportunity to present his ideas to the nation and persuade the voters to support them. Since his attempted actions (and those of the Congresscritters of the Democratic Party’s Left Wing) are far to the left of his campaign rhetoric he needs to make some very good arguments. He doesn’t make them, and he doesn’t have any good arguments, so large numbers of people are ceasing to support him as a result. They don’t want Big Brother making their medical decisions for them. Obama’s attitude seems to be, and you are echoing it, that he won the job of dictator not President, and all we proles must bow to his demands. I got news for you Whacky, that ain’t how it works.
And when did Democrats say to themselves after the 2000 election: Bush won, get over it, don’t oppose anything he does? That’s right, never. Why should you expect Republicans, or conservatives more generally, or libertarians like Rand Simberg to be so much more cooperative and civil with Obama than the Dems were with Bush?
Sep 26, 2009 - 4:16 pm