Star Wars: The Clone Wars — A Big Pile of Dooku
With each succeeding film, Lucas's franchise gets more diluted.
A long, long time ago, in a California mansion far away — George Lucas ran out of ideas. So, for the new cartoon feature Star Wars: The Clone Wars, which is set between episodes II and III, he has outsourced story, script, and direction duties to younglings who take the saga down to the level of an 8-year-old playing with his action figures with many happy shouts of “Shoop! Ptaw! Fwooooooom!”
The look is, bizarrely enough, modeled after that of the 1960s cult TV show The Thunderbirds. That’s right. Lucas decided it would be cool if his characters looked like they were carved out of blocks of wood and moved jerkily, like marionettes. Considering the state of computer animation, that is a little like deciding to model your jumbo jet after an Edsel.
Anakin Skywalker and Ben Kenobi are still the best of buddies, fighting the growing separatist movement that will become the evil Empire. There are clones on one side and droids on the other side, but what’s the difference? Both consist of anonymous armies of automata that appear to have been programmed with only two functions: behave stupidly and be destroyed easily. There’s much light saber battling and laser-gun firing as Anakin learns that he’s been saddled with a pupil, or Padawan. She’s a wisecracking orange-hued girl in a tube top, miniskirt, and knee-high boots who calls him “Sky Guy,” and Anakin’s response to her suggests Mr. Roper with a light saber.
For political reasons, the good guys need the support of Jabba the Hutt, who holds the power to deny the Jedi the rights to pass through his corner of the universe — sort of like an intergalactic France. Like those Saddam-suppliers in Paris, Jabba’s got some shady connections: It turns out he has a purply uncle who lives in an Art Deco sin city. The uncle, dubbed Ziro the Hutt, has an effete manner, a general air of decadence, and a Truman Capote accent, so I kept thinking of him as Nambla the Hutt.
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Kyle Smith is a film critic for the the New York Post. His website is at www.kylesmithonline.com.
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22 Comments
1. Typewriter King:Lucas should have recognized the story arc was over. He should have recognized that there’s a point where the franchise is over, and anything new should be delegated to fan-created media. Let the fan fiction nerds flesh out unofficial new adventures, rather than dilute the canon.
That’s what I want to do with my own franchise, plan out a finite canon, fulfill the outlines I planned, then stop. I won’t let ‘Blaster Tech’ become as bloated as Mr Lucas has allowed ‘Star Wars’ to become. If you think the movies are bad, the tie-in books never end!
Aug 15, 2008 - 4:48 am 2. Joanna:For me, the moment I lost interest was years ago when a character in one of the kids’ Star Wars books checked the time on his “wrist chronometer.” I didn’t realize it until a few years later, but the whole thing became stupid at that point. It’s just cowboys and indians with lasers, and John Wayne did it better.
Heck, Firefly did it better, and I don’t even like that series.
Aug 15, 2008 - 6:53 am 3. holdfast:“fighting the growing separatist movement that will become the evil Empire.”
Um, doesn’t the Republic become the Empire, after Anakin slices ‘n dices all the Seperatist leaders on the magma planet where Obi Wan later crisps him? Just sayin’
Aug 15, 2008 - 7:39 am 4. jay:This thing has “sucks” writen all over it.
Aug 15, 2008 - 7:49 am 5. Bugs:Just to be fair, we should probably keep in mind that this is a kids’ movie based on a (not-yet-released) kids’ TV series. Not, like the original Star Wars, ‘for the kid in us all.’ Just kids - who won’t care how bad the animation, stories, and dialog are. Don’t think of it as “animation.” Think of it as a cartoon.
Aug 15, 2008 - 9:14 am 6. Tony:This series killed itself when Lucas for some reason decided to scientifically analyze and quantify the force into “metaclorians”. That was the stupidest thing you could possibly do. The Force had a mystical quality to it. Something that was tangable yeat untouchable. Controlled by a select few that are blessed with that gift. Now, they just check the blood and say, “John’s a Jedi, but Mark isn’t” That’s when Star Wars lost it’s mystical quality and element of mystery.
Having said all that. The animated Clone Wars shorts display the way Jedis really use the force. Not the boring force push/pull we see in the live action films. So this has some nice potential with that aspect, but fas for everything else, we’ll have to see.
Aug 15, 2008 - 9:32 am 7. Ephraim:Lucas is the biggest hack in the history of film. The Phantom Menace was the absolute worst film I have ever had the misfortune to see. Its badness was so beyond the normal categories, so stupefying in its scale, that there are no words in the English language that could do justice to its cosmic awfulness. Normally, a talentelss hack will at least make an attempt, however transparent, to disguise the contempt he has for his audience. That Lucas didn’t even bother to try to hide it, and instead displayed his crass commercialism and manipulative, money-grubbing cynicism for all to see, takes chutzpah a whole new level.
We have met the Evil Empire, and it is George Lucas. Come to the Dark Side, indeed.
Aug 15, 2008 - 11:00 am 8. Jeff:Tony:
(nitpick) midichlorians, I believe.
Aug 15, 2008 - 3:59 pm 9. Cletus:The only thing good to come out of the new star wars trilogy and it’s spin offs is Battlefront and Battlefront II. You actually get to fight battles, with up to 750 guys on each side.
Aug 15, 2008 - 5:32 pm 10. Waller:Yup. It was the midichorians that killed the franchise.
Call me a cynic, but I think much of the stupid stuff that Lucas did in Episodes I, II, and III were just one big “F___ Y__” directed at fans who read things into his story that he didn’t want.
As Almighty God of Stars Wars, I felt I heard Lucas thunder “Thou shalt not infer things that I did not intend. I will now smite your impudence (by adding ridiculous plot devices).”
Aug 15, 2008 - 7:44 pm 11. Keegy United States - Star Wars: The Clone Wars — A Big Pile of Dukoo:[...] Star Wars: The Clone Wars — A Big Pile of Dukoo [...]
Aug 15, 2008 - 9:01 pm 12. Sandra M:Many years ago, my college room mate tried to interest me into going to see the original STAR WARS film. Finally, he just shrugged and tossed me over his shoulder and sat me down in the theatre. When I heard of “the force” I whispered to him. “But that’s what’s in the books I’m reading.” He smirked and nodded knowingly.
Of the 6 films, my favorite by far is ATTACK OF THE CLONES. I think Hayden Christensen is a true movie star (loved him in AWAKE). And I loved the production design and costuming and romance. Nothing cynical at all. Lucas’ film was a romantic delight. Not what adolescent guys would respond to favorably, more like what they would dismiss as a “chick” film.
Aug 16, 2008 - 4:30 am 13. Cover Me, Porkins:“Its badness was so beyond the normal categories, so stupefying in its scale, that there are no words in the English language that could do justice to its cosmic awfulness.”
Actually, there’s one: “Lucasfilm.”
Aug 17, 2008 - 12:02 pm 14. Keegy United States - Popular - Star Wars: The Clone Wars — A Big Pile of Dooku:[...] Star Wars: The Clone Wars — A Big Pile of Dooku [...]
Aug 17, 2008 - 5:00 pm 15. jvon:I also enjoyed ATTACK OF THE CLOWNS. I think Hayden Christensen is dreamy and I want to have his wooden, stilted children.
Aug 18, 2008 - 2:41 am 16. Bugs:It wasn’t just Christensen. I think he’s a decent actor given the right material. But I found the other performers awkward and wooden as well. I don’t know if it had to do with the truly evil scripts, the fact that they were acting against blue screens much of the time, or something about the director. I’ve seen local theater people doing Shakespeare on stage who looked more comfortable and natural than the casts of I, II and III. Exceptions might be made for Ewan McGregor and Ian McDiarmid. They seemed to be more comfortable and alive in their characters than the rest.
As for the midichlorians - As explained by Yoda, the Force was more like magic than a natural phenomenon, which kind of made Star Wars more like fantasy than science fiction. Maybe Lucas was trying to appeal to “harder” science fiction fans by giving the Force a scientific explanation (ginned up and stupid though it was).
But then, the last three movies were all about scientific explanation - i.e., Lucas tried to scientifically explain Darth Vader. Which is interesting, since Lucas used to claim he had mythology and archetypes in mind when he wrote the three original movies. Vader was the biggest archetype on the block - a deep mystery with only hints of a human connection. After the last three movies, he’s just a confused, rebellious adolescent who ended up on the wrong side of the law - Marlon Brando with a lightsaber. Unfortunately, his younger self’s character is so grating that it’s hard to muster up any sympathy for him. When he finally got dipped & fried, I couldn’t help thinking he got pretty much what he deserved.
And that’s way more thought than anyone should waste on the last three Star Wars movies.
Aug 18, 2008 - 10:35 am 17. Rob:This review is 25 years late. EWOKS KILLED THE FRANCHISE. Once Lucas realized that he was making more cash off the merchandising than the box office, the movies turned into merchandise showcases.
(Once you go Ewok, you can never go bock.)
Aug 18, 2008 - 5:57 pm 18. Kevin:Phantom Menace, the worst movie in history? I don’t know. Ishtar seems to have lowered that bar so low, Satan keeps tripping over it. Then pick a Steve Guttenberg film, any one will do. Heaven’s Gate. That was rather pitiful. So bad a freak named his cult after it. Actually I don’t know that for sure, but it is a funny thought. Still, it was a horrid movie. So please, reign in the drama.
Aug 19, 2008 - 11:31 pm 19. James:Just because Lucas went his own way, and not the way we all wanted him to, is no reason to be pissy about it. Get a life. This latest movie was nothing more than a extended plug for the new series coming out. If you spent money to see this, and are an adult, and didn’t like it, it’s your fault. There was plenty of time to see trailers and commercials and realize just what kind of movie it is and who it is intended for. This isn’t important, you know, like Greedo shooting first.
Kevin is right - If you are an adult and seriously paying money to watch a cartoon and then logging on to blog about how bad it was … get a life or at least some adult interests.
I took my 7-year-old son to see it in a theater filled with similarly aged kids and they LOVED it.
Nostalgia and 1970’s technology aside, the first Star Wars movie was corny and laced with bad dialogue and acting (see Luke’s reaction to finding his aunt and uncle fried).
Aug 21, 2008 - 1:46 am 20. Night Owl:“that’s starting to smell like a big pile of Dooku.”
You mean “banta poodu”. (alt. spelling poodoo)
(I know… I am a geek!)
Aug 21, 2008 - 3:05 pm 21. Cobrajock:I thought the cartoon was just okay. The whole “Sky Guy” thing didn’t sit well with me, and even my 12 year old son thought it was corny. My biggest problem with it is that this is a story that happens between stories, which by definition is crap. We already know what happens to everyone. There is no element of danger to any of he main characters. The only unknown is what will eventually kill the little padawan girl, as she doesn’t appear anywhere after this. I’d much rather see a story about what happens AFTER episode six. Or one from the earlier days when Yoda was a padawan. This “story between the story,” crap is what bothers me.
Aug 25, 2008 - 9:34 am 22. Chadney Duncan-Pauley:I don’t know what’s wrong with everyone– this animated series ROCKS!
I think Lucas has come back stronger than ever. Getting to know Annekin
(spelling), makes it more challenging and interesting to picture him as Darth Vader. I love this show– my son loves it & we watch it together very frequently.
Hope I didn’t offend anyone–
peace
Mar 30, 2009 - 2:40 pm