Pajamas Media

54 Comments

1. Benson:

We never show more respect for anyone than when we acknowledge that person’s right to know the truth.

Jun 1, 2008 - 3:05 am 2. Chaya:

I wouldn’t want to tell her. But if I did, I would make sure it was when she was a full-grown confident adult so that the information wouldn’t do something awful to her psyche.

Sometimes we show more respect for a person when we don’t tell all the truth. A husband doesn’t do his wife any favors telling her she looks fat in the new dress she just bought. He should just smile at her and tell her she looks beautiful!

Jun 1, 2008 - 4:01 am 3. MaE:

You know, of all of the adopted people I know, I’ve never once heard one question how much they cost. Are you kidding me? You don’t want your daughter to hear she was on the auction block for less, so you’re going to tell her.

This is cruel. You are cruel. And you’re justifying being cruel.

You can’t even construct a scenario where such a conversation would arise, much less one where that information would be vital. Further, there’s nothing compelling you to confirm her “price”. In fact, as a loving parent (seemingly absent from this article) would NOT tell their child such information. It’s counterproductive – yeah, she isn’t going to internalize that she was on sale at all.

And while you’re telling her she cost “30 pieces of silver”, also tell her about the brave white woman who went looking for a bargain basement child on the adoption market.

Not everything is a political statement. Not everything has to be explained in the context of politics. You’re a horrible parent if you broach such a topic with her.

Jun 1, 2008 - 4:03 am 4. wcgreen:

If you’re upset about “racist fee schedules’, why did you pay them? I adopted five children–some white, some biracial–from our state’s family services agency with nary a fee. In fact, they paid a monthly stipend, tuition, and counseling because my children were considered “special needs.”

Older kids need families, too. If you don’t require an infant, think about it.

Jun 1, 2008 - 4:08 am 5. Jabba the Tutt:

It would be child abuse to suggest to your daughter that she is less valued than other children.

Unfortunately, Dawn Friedman seems to be a nut and she will ignore this and damage her daughter with her outrage.

Jun 1, 2008 - 4:39 am 6. Fatcat:

I think I’d only tell her if she asked.

Jun 1, 2008 - 5:17 am 7. Sassenach:

Blogging personal information about your daughter — that she doesn’t even know yet? You’ve got bigger problems than adoption fees, lady.

Jun 1, 2008 - 5:25 am 8. Zeno:

I agree wth MaE, not everything is a political statement. What does it matter, anyway? What mattters is that the child is loved, not the “price at which she was bought”.

Besides, while the fees could be seen as “racist”, there are different costs for several different reasons, not only “race”. Perhaps a white child will have one cost at one agency and another at another. Should a parent tell her that she paid less?

While the fees may be “racist”, it’s not completely irrational to offer a lower fee for a child that is harder to place. They just probably reflect the fact that there are more white parents who adopt children than black parents. And many will usually prefer white babies, even if only for the reason that the child will stand out less as “adopted”. Now you can say that society is racist and that the fees reflect that, but I don’t see the behavior of a white parent that adopts a white child and not a black child as necessarily “racist”. It’s a bit like saying that I’m a racist because I don’t vote for Obama.

So I think your need to tell her has more to do with political views than with the child. I don’t think it is so relevant for her, and might even hurt her.

Just an opinion.

Jun 1, 2008 - 5:53 am 9. Alan:

Don’t blame the adoption agencies for a societal problem. White parents do not, by and large, want to adopt black babies. That’s where the racism is. Incidentally, the Association of Black Psychologists doesn’t want white parents to adopt black babies either, so it would be wrong to place this squarely on the shoulders of white parents. An adoption agency is left with the choice of either ignoring this problem and failing to place unwanted black babies or providing an incentive for people to adopt the babies. This is done by lowering the adoption fee, increasing the number of families that can afford to adopt the babies. From their perspective, its a simple question of “how do we get these babies into homes?”. You recommend “outreaching to African American families” as though that can somehow change the fact that there are not enough black families with sufficient income to adopt all of the black babies up for adoption in this country. Different prices for babies of different races is a terrible, terrible thing, but don’t blame the adoption agencies.

Jun 1, 2008 - 6:14 am 10. jbenson2:

It might sound cruel, but it really is a matter of economics: Supply and Demand.

Just take a look at the startling statistics of the number of illegitimate babies among the inner city blacks.

Jun 1, 2008 - 6:27 am 11. Eric:

Telling her sounds to me like it will be of benefit only to Dawn Friedman. Maybe to assuage some warped feelings of guilt or to make some perverted statement like “you were cheap, and biracial but we (in our wonderful magnanimity) adopted you anyway.
Insipid article.

Jun 1, 2008 - 7:11 am 12. OldSarg:

What is especially sad is that, in South Dakota Native American children languish in foster care because they are not allowed to be adopted by anyone other than another Native American. Here it is purely about race.

Jun 1, 2008 - 7:16 am 13. Justin:

First, I want to express my grief about this situation.

Second, I just want to ask, who will you be doing favors for if the Adoption Agency lowers its fees for black adoptees? Seriously, its hard enough for them to be adopted in the first place. The people who came up with this policy didn’t do this to hurt AA infants but to help give them a better chance at adoption. Its ugly, sure. Racist, maybe. But it is done with the intention of giving children who are already having a hard time getting adopted a better chance.

Jun 1, 2008 - 8:44 am 14. Peter G:

Here is a typical comment on this forum “Alan:
Don’t blame the adoption agencies for a societal problem. White parents do not, by and large, want to adopt black babies. That’s where the racism is.”

If that’s the case then it is also racist for black Americans not to choose Asian or White American marriage partners, Chinese Americans to marry an Asian and so on.

Come off it! Choosing a wife and I dare say a child that you most want to resemble yourself or your family for reasons of compatibility is a basic human right.

What next: heterosexual who won’t “marry” gays are “homophobid”? Maybe we should let the state set the marriage “blend” quotas per annum.

As for wanting to tell you daughter about her “lower value of the adoption block”, Madam you are not a good parent to do that. Think again.

Jun 1, 2008 - 9:32 am 15. THorfin:

Who cares. All of God’s children are precious. Take care of each one. I would only hope that the cost and time it took to adopt would go away so all children could find a loving home. It does not matter who is the birth parent what matters is who is the real parent.

Jun 1, 2008 - 9:45 am 16. hyphenated american:

Does anyone remember the movie about black crack head, who comes out of prison and demands white parents who had adopted her child to give it back? Well, some very professional lawyers come to her aid – and she wins the case. The white parents lose the kid because the court thinks they cannot raise a black kid.

That’s where it’s all coming from. This is why whites adopt black children from Africa, not US foster care. This is why it is much heaper to adopt black kids.

In Oregon, white parents adopted a kid, whose parents were crack heads and criminals from Mexico. Of course, Oregon government went to court and tried to get the kid back and send it to Mexico.

Anyway, teach your adopted children on how the liberals makes the lives of minories worse. After all, black, mexicans – are mascots for the liberals. And who cares what happens to a mascot?

Jun 1, 2008 - 1:55 pm 17. J9:

The gov’t subsidizes foster child adoptions of black or biracial and special needs children but not white children. Biased? Yes. And this is not a private business that can do whatever it wishes. Subsidies are not based on adoptive family income which I think is more fair.

Anyhow, unfortunately even adoption is a supply and demand business. Sad? Yes. But these agencies have to do what they need to do. All the outreach in the world to black families to adopt other black children won’t fix the problem. Many of the potential families are already raising the children of dysfunctional family members.

As for telling this child you bought her for less than a white child, I find it just bizarre!! No reason on earth to tell her this as some sort of conscious cleansing for yourself. Yeesh…

Jun 1, 2008 - 5:14 pm 18. michele:

I think you would be doing your daughter a great disservice by telling her this information. I can’t imagine why you would even want to bring cost into the picture at all when discussing her adoption.

I discussed this with my cousin who has adopted two biracial children. She said “My children were not bought. They were earned. The money we spent can not in any way compare to the amount of love we expend. It would be cruel to even bring that issue up to them, to make them feel like they were bought like something in a store. My children are gifts, not commodities.”

Also, why would you even be discussing price structure with her? I can’t imagine how this will some day make her feel. In your mind you think you are doing something noble, but I think you are doing something mentally destructive.

Jun 1, 2008 - 5:15 pm 19. AnnieB:

Children are BEYOND price.

Plus – it’s not the downpayment – it’s the upkeep that will break you. LOL

I have NO IDEA what it ‘cost’ to get my sister. I can’t imagine it is at all important to anyone. Certainly not to anyone who should be allowed near children.

Jun 1, 2008 - 6:32 pm 20. joe blough:

If the girl wants to find out how the adoption system works she’s perfectly capable of finding out on her own if she’s old enough.

If she just wants to find out what it cost to adopt her (?!?!?) she’ll undoubtedly be able to ask, at almost any age.

It’s hard however to imagine an adopted person wanting to know such things, at any age. It seems morbid.

The girl’s age isn’t stated, but I’ve got a bad feeling that she’s pretty young.

Why the author wants to force this issue on the girl’s attention has me stumped.

Why the author is publishing the whole thing openly on the internet is even more baffling — and under what looks like a real name no less!

And there’s something that doesn’t smell right about this “right to know” business. Sure, she’s got a right to know, and she’ll probably ask if she wants to exercise that “right”. She’s also got a right not to know if she doesn’t want to think about it.

To my eye it looks entirely self serving, but I cannot imagine how it serves any desirable end.

I think there’s something sick going on here.

Jun 1, 2008 - 7:03 pm 21. Smarty:

If you tell the child, we will have one more black person with a chip on their shoulder. The US has a surplus of that.

If it does not HELP the child to know, shut your mouth. The only possible reason why you would want to tell your child this is if you want to prove how un-racist and “progressive” you are. It may feel good to tell your child of this practice only to condemn it, but it hurts the child and you know it.

Jun 1, 2008 - 7:36 pm 22. Jana:

As a child of adoption, I don’t think it has ever occurred to me to question the fees associated with the adoption. You certainly question from whence you came, but the nuts and bolts of adoption red tape isn’t exactly high on the list of “Important Questions About My Adoption.” Maybe you have to BE adopted to truly know how it feels.

Jun 1, 2008 - 8:42 pm 23. deirdre mundy:

My son was a Preemie– his first week cost about 3* as much as either of his sisters’.

Should I tell him he’s worth more because he cost us more? And that his sisters are worth less because they were cheaper?

Of course not! That would be insane….

and so, with the adoptees…..

Jun 2, 2008 - 10:19 am 24. chiefpayne:

Look, this does not matter to the child. Is she any less valuable to YOU that you paid less for her adoption? Did it matter to you how much you paid or did you just want her reguardless?

It really doesn’t matter to her and it shouldn’t matter to you. So you got a bargin…be happy that you paid less and probably got more love.

If she ever even asks the question, just tell her “Honey, I would have paid everything I own just to be able to take you home with me…you’re worth everything and more to me.” and leave it at that!

Jun 2, 2008 - 10:56 am 25. I am just swamped | this woman's work:

[...] the way, I am being evsicerated over at Pajamas Media. Don’t worry — I don’t take the condemnation of strangers to heart. But if you [...]

Jun 2, 2008 - 12:54 pm 26. Laika's Last Woof:

You’ve raised the issue in public. Good for you. But there’s no need to make it personal, not to your kids. Keep it to yourself.

Telling your adopted kid how much you paid for her is as tacky and psychologically abusive as telling your biological kid how you were too drunk to use protection the night she was conceived.

Why the hell would you ever tell her that? Have you ever heard of TMI? There are some “truths” that lie outside the boundaries of good taste and are better left unsaid.

Jun 2, 2008 - 4:43 pm 27. Laura:

I really had no clue! I must admit to being shocked. Thank you for sharing this as painful as it is. I don’t know that I would ever tell my child unless the subject came up and they asked. Even at that I would try to put it off as long as possible until he or she had matured and could digest it on a “hopefully” less personal level.
Dawn, I think you are brave for confronting these issues. You are a good and caring mom.

Jun 2, 2008 - 6:34 pm 28. Dawn:

I do not understand at all, your kid was on sale? I don’t get it, you couldn’t afford a white kid? This is what you are going to tell people?
that is just mean

Jun 2, 2008 - 8:25 pm 29. Xanthippe:

What’s the “appropriate age”? If you wait until she’s 30, fine. If you want to tell her at 13, forget it.

It seems like an odd thing to focus on – with all the problems in the world, why this one? With all the racism that abounds, why this particular one?

There’s something troubling me about this and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Your need to tell her bothers me. We can frame things in many ways. Of all the things to focus on surrounding her adoption, focusing on this aspect bothers me.

I think I know what it is: you seem to be confusing adoption with buying. You didn’t buy a human being when you adopted your daughter. You paid a fee for the privilege of adopting your child.

Question to ask yourself, maybe – suppose the fees and availability of sexes and ethnicities were equal. Would you have adopted the same child, or a different one?

Jun 2, 2008 - 8:26 pm 30. vnjagvet:

My wife and I have five adopted daughters. Two were adopted as infants in private adoptions arranged by lawyers for young women who, as a matter of choice, wished to select the kind of family in which to place their children. We never met either of these women, but have been forever grateful to them for their gift of two of our daughters. Because these adoptions were handled by different firms, and occurred two years apart, I am pretty certain one cost more than the other. To tell you the truth though, I don’t remember which one cost more. After 30 years, I have not retained the records.

Eight years later, we adopted three Korean orphan sisters, then 12, 9 and 7. Because this was an international adoption, it was far more expensive then the other two whether considered as a whole or on a per child basis. Of course all know all of the details they have wanted to know about their adoptions, but, until tonight, I had never thought about the cost of the adoption process as having any relevance whatever.

All of my daughters are now grown, well adjusted and educated as far as they wanted to be. Four are married to fine young men. Not once have any of them or their husbands asked about how much it cost to adopt them.

From my admittedly small sample, I just don’t believe fees are a central issue in most adoptions, either to adopters or adoptees. I suggest that the author get some professional advice before she needlessly upsets her adopted child.

Jun 2, 2008 - 9:02 pm 31. Marley:

“It’s hard however to imagine an adopted person wanting to know such things, at any age. It seems morbid.”

Michele, many adult adoptees talk about how much their adopters paid for them. It’s a frequent topic of conversation on adoptee lists and forums. Many feel they were purchased. Why is this morbid? My own adoption, back in the old days, cost about $40 and my aparents got some money back on the deal. New models go for $#10,000-35,000 and more. Adoption is a money racket, and adoptees need to know it. Dawn should be commended for writing about it. BTW, I’ve seen a price list: the darker the skin, the lower the price.

Jun 2, 2008 - 10:29 pm 32. vnjagvet:

Marley:

I can only speak from my experience as a parent. Annie B at 6:15 had it about right. The fees are just a down payment, and it’s the upkeep that gets you.

All children cost money beginning with the medical expenses of prenatal care and of birth. Often, adopting parents pay for these expenses just as natural parents do. For some parents these expenses are paid by insurance, for some not. Generally, whatever the situation, be it fees for adoption or the costs of prenatal care and birth, those expenses are but a small amount of the total expenses for raising children from birth till they are completely independent.

Food, clothing, entertainment, education, lessons of all kinds, medical care, psychological counselling or treatment when necessary day after day, month after month, year after year. And that is just the economic outlay. The emotional and time commitment is even greater if you take your responsibilities seriously. Children have a way of commanding attention.

Jun 2, 2008 - 10:56 pm 33. TomGrey:

First, bringing up the topic in public seems like you’re preparing to bring up the topic with your daughter, now or soon.
Certainly not wise, possibly cruel.

Resolving now to not lie when SHE brings it up is a relevant, possibly brave thing to do.

Noting the difficult decision, either to tell a painful truth or to lie, is an excellent blog post.

I do hope your daughter feels your love more than fear of “adoption costs”, and I echo that the big cost of any kid is the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly raising costs.

If you, as a parent, really feel the adoption fee differences aren’t very important, than your daughter probably won’t either. The fear in the negative comments seems to be that, perhaps you DO think the fee differences are important, so your daughter will, too.

That would be sad.

Jun 3, 2008 - 4:20 am 34. interracialpower:

I adopted an African American baby girl from the county of Sacramento. I am African American and my wife is Caucasian. We have a biological bi-racial son. Adoption assistance pays us to raise our daughter. We get a check every month. It is hard for me to believe that so many White couples will go overseas to adopt a near white baby and spend 10s of thousands of dollars when the U.S. could be paying them 10s of thousands of dollars to adopt. I love my three year old daughter. The six thousand dollars I will recieve untill she turns 18 along with free medical care makes me feel so lucky to love an African American princess. Please tell your friends about Adoption Assistance. This could save many children from the hell of foster care.

Jun 3, 2008 - 7:56 am 35. view from afar:

I agree first with MAE, then sassenach, then eric, and lastly and especially with interacial power…by the way who cares what color someones skin is? Don’t most white people try to be brown all summer long anyways? get over trying to be so pc, it’s going to totally wreck your kid, you are her parents , and she’s lucky to have one person give her life and another to give her comfort come on, just love her for all your worth that’s what having kid from any source is about!

Jun 3, 2008 - 10:17 am 36. stk:

I am a birth mom in an unusual adoption sitution; I met my son when he was twelve in large part because his incessant curiousity demanded more infomration than his parents could provide and his tenacity in going after “the truth” was tearing up their family. Our new co-parenting policy was to always answer his questions honestly (while still teaching him about things like boundaries and privacy) BUT to let his curiousity lead the way on difficult issues. In otherwords, this is a time when “hasn’t asked, don’t bring it up” might be a good approach. But Friedman should tell the truth if for some reason her duaghter thinks to ask. But why on earth she would is a whole other issue; no kid thinks about these kinds of legalistic things until they are grown…unless a parent is discussing them at home with their children.

In a larger context, all this seems a little overly focused on a small part of lifelong process that, when looked at in that larger context, makes it a small point, at least in the respect of drawing parallels like “less expensive means less worthy” sense. Eveyrone pays something when they have children. Some people pay attornies fees and agency fees and others pay for hospital bills and those bills are different prices depending on the hospital and degree of care, which, again, is culturally dependent. And as AnnieB said, the “upkeep” is the real financial investment anyway.

In the end, Friedman’s daughter will care most what Friedman thinks and the answer should be honest about the facts AND the feelings–which we all hope are that Friedman’s daughter is priceless. Bottom line: no child should be asked to be a warrier in their parent’s intellectual battles; this is a question of heart, not head. If–and only if–Friedman’s daughter brings this up, her heart should guide the answer.

Jun 3, 2008 - 11:22 am 37. bloop:

The Adoption Market should be privatized.

Simon Hakim,. “Privatizing Adoption and Foster Care: Applying Auction and Market. Solutions”,

Jun 3, 2008 - 1:16 pm 38. Suz:

Interesting how so many of the commenters seem to have missed the point.

I take Friedmans article as a very real, harsh, commentary on some of the darker sides of adoption in the United States.

The US adoption industry is chock full of unethical practices and the buying and selling (and pricing) of children. As such, our children become objects. Commodites to be bought and sold to the highest bidder. Women of lesser means become prey to adoption agencies who see the supply and demand. Remove the profiteering from adoption and the fact that Friedmans child cost X and Mrs. WhiteAdopters Child cost 2X wont even be an issue.

Unfortunate this point was lost on so many readers. Seemed easier for them to challenge Friedmans parenting choices than look at the shadow side of adoption.

Jun 3, 2008 - 1:22 pm 39. rgaye:

I disagree. I don’t think your daughter gains anything positive from this knowledge, particularly since it is no longer the practice. If she ask these questions specifically, certainly you don’t lie. You find a gentle way to help her understand but it’s not something I would bring up, even if as you say it’s part of the story. It can be a part she can be blissfully unaware of and if it was brought up by her, I would go out of my way to minimize that particular aspect.

And I don’t understand the title. The Brutal Reality of Interracial Adoption??

If black babies are or have been ‘on sale for less’ than white babies, what does this have to do with interracial adoption?

I am making the assumption here that you are white and from your story, your daughter bi-racial but wouldn’t the fee have been the same if she had been adopted by black parents rather than white? Wouldn’t the fee have been the same for her if both her biological parents had been black and she was being adopted by a black family?

For that matter, why is the reality of circumstances of an interracial adoption any more brutal than the reality of any other adoption? Each adoption would seem to me to have brutal realities behind it or an adoption would not be taking place.

I think focusing on those aspects rather than how lucky you and your daughter are to have become a family could undermine her perception of her family. Give her the impression that it is 2nd to the best kind of family to have. That she is worth less. That you ‘bought’ less. Is that what you want?

Jun 3, 2008 - 1:49 pm 40. smg45acp:

Just tell her you wanted a bi-racial baby.

You make it sound as if you are going to come across as saying “If we could have afforded a white baby we would have gotten one, but money was tight that year so we had to settle for you.”

Tell you got exactly what you wanted and if she would have cost twice as much as a white baby you would have paid it gladly.

As far as the state demanding that the race based pricing end, well that makes as much sense as the state repealing the law of supply and demmand.

Jun 4, 2008 - 5:50 am 41. Smarty:

Tell her:

“As a self-loathing Jewish-American, I wanted a minority baby so that I could play the hero, play the martyr, and play the victim, all at once!!! All my liberal friends will envy my PC coup, I can point the finger at others because I have proof that I have more compassion, and as my child grows up, I will have someone to apologize to for being white!!!”

Jun 4, 2008 - 9:27 am 42. Mike:

This has to be the worst idea I ever heard. I am a white man married to a black woman. We adopted a white boy and a black girl. The thought of “how much they cost” never even entered my mind. Get some help.

Jun 4, 2008 - 3:09 pm 43. Cristina:

I agree with MaE and Smarty.
Ma’am, you’re one sick, twisted person.
You did this piece just to show how enlightened you are, how “compassionate” & politically correct.
Whether you like it or not, babies become commodities when they enter the market, the supply and demand cycle, and you are willing to pay money for the transaction. It’s just that, a transaction for something you want but don’t have, and it so happens, for many reasons, not just “racist,” that black babies are harder to place.
If the market is so onerous and vile and racist, why did you decide to participate in it? Oh, you wanted to “save” a child from an evil society–the “hero” complex.
“Society” may be evil, but you are even more so to even contemplate to tell your daughter about your narcisistic, self-gratulatory pursuit.
Plus, as msg45acp says, she may draw the conclusion you took what was available given what you were willing to spend, which would be the truth, wouldn’t it? but would cheapen her sense of self. Why this anger–which I find highly suspicious–instead of being deeply grateful and moving on? I think it’s a fabricated anger, meant to gratify yourself and establish your PC credentials.
More sinister than the market.
Move on, ma’am

Jun 4, 2008 - 4:44 pm 44. tims tevens:

the purpose of adoption is to place unwanted kids in home which supposedly wants them. if a black kid is harder to place, then look in the incentives to placement.

get over the handwringing emotional drivel. you wanted a kid and were willing to pay to get one. its nobody’s fault you felt no need to pay for the top-of-the-line kid. rather you took the economy model.

there i said it so get over it.

Jun 4, 2008 - 6:45 pm 45. Mike:

Perhaps I wasn’t fair earlier. You did say: “I don’t know how or when it’ll come up for my daughter but I expect that it will. And when it does, I’m going to tell her the truth.” I’m not sure why you are so certain it will come up; I never would have expected it to come up with my children, and I still don’t. I expect them to be much more concerned about other things, like school, sports, dating, video games…etc. Your child is your’s now; treat her as if you gave birth to her.

Jun 4, 2008 - 8:13 pm 46. bob a:

You seem to have a need for some kind of public
flagellation so here’s another lash. If you wanted to really raise your child’s self esteem when you get around to this nonsense act, you would have paid the full price regardless. That would have created a bonding beyond race.

Jun 4, 2008 - 8:43 pm 47. RIch Rostrom:

Of _course_ the child should be told about the _viciously_ racist fee structure of the adoption agency. She must be _thoroughly_ educated about entrenched racism that governs _every_ _aspect_ of American society. She should be trained to detect racist oppression _everywhere_. She must learn _never_ to trust any member of the White Power Structure, such as teachers, cops, landlords, or employers, and to understand that if any of them have a problem with her, it is because _they_ are racists. (Am I preaching to the choir here? I fear so.)

Taking tongue out of cheek: I very much doubt that your child will every inquire about this aspect of the adoption. The agency charges what the traffic will bear, more or less. In all probability, they discount the fees for adoption of black children to encourage adoption of them. To see this as a Bad Thing is looking for trouble when none exists.

Jun 4, 2008 - 9:36 pm 48. Big Dan:

Be sure to also tell your child that her toenails are weird, that her stomach makes disgusting noises, and that she vomited in your face and up your nose that one time.

THEN you can tell her how much she cost.

Sheesh, lady, ever heard of preserving the child’s self-image? Be sure to tell your daughter she’s fat, too. That’ll help her just as much as the adoption fees and how guilty you feel about OTHER people’s latent racism that YOU have discovered.

Jun 5, 2008 - 4:25 am 49. incredulous:

I never respond in comments, but this article has stayed with me since I read it.

A reasonable case can be made that the fee structure is not a reflection of racism. It is not racist for white parents to prefer to adopt white children. Why shouldn’t they want to adopt children who look more like them? It is not racist for adoption agencies, faced with more minority children who are harder to place (Do more minority parents put their children up for adoption? Do fewer minority parents adopt?), encourage their adoption by adjusting the fee structure. It is not racist for people who desperately want to love a child to also consider the economic costs associated with bringing that child into the family.

Perhaps I am wrong. Just too simplistic. Not perceptive enough to see the racism. Perhaps both of our views are reasonable. That is something we could debate long into the night.

But what does it say about you, Ms. Friedman, that you would choose to tell your beloved daughter the version that might damage her self-worth? If you believe that your daughter already faces an uphill battle in a racist world, why would you pile on?

Jun 5, 2008 - 2:12 pm 50. Cristina:

RIch Rostrom:

“In all probability, they discount the fees for adoption of black children to encourage adoption of them.”

Absolutely. No racism here, just common sense economics. “Racism”–whatever that means–would be to refuse to take any black kids in for adoption at all, although even in that case the motives might be other than “racism.”
What’s increasingly clear to me is that, while the “racism” of Jim Crow is fast disappearing, the PC, multiculturalist left insists on finding it everywhere, under every stone, and re-creating it by making “race” the alpha and omega of civilization.
Whatever you do, whatever your intentions, you can’t hide from accusations of “racism.” It has taken the place of the original sin.
In communist dictatorships, political sin had a variety of names: “bourgeois,” “imperialism lover,” “cosmopolitan” (because you read, say, Baudelaire or Goethe or Whitman, or, worse, you had once said, foolishly, when you thought you were among friends, that American science was better than Soviet Science), “Zionist,” “saboteur,”
“enemy of the proletariat/working people,” each of which accusation would have sent you to a labor camp, to the salt or lead mines, or to rot in a dungeon with your feet permanently in cold water.

This is where the accusation of “racism” is taking us.

Jun 5, 2008 - 4:36 pm 51. Lynn:

I’m a but late coming on board – no, I don’t think you should tell her her adoption was cheaper. To what purpose? She’ll learn soon enough the issues surrounding mixed kids. But, for the purposes of school as she gets older, she will be considered black. And, once she gets to high school, she will be forced to choose who she hangs out with…. that is a reality of life.

Why tell her as a child, she had less value because she was black or mixed? When she gets older and her self image is set, and she knows the way of the world, then go ahead – no reason to hide it. But, by that time, it probably won’t matter to her that she was a blue-light special.

I know what I’m talking about – I have 7 adopted children, 5 of which are bi-racial. And ALL of whom were special needs kids. Hard to place kids. And, all from the U.S. There are plenty of them here, or hadn’t you noticed?

So, keep your outrage and use it to not only teach her to be a person first, not someone who is bi-racial, but also a self-reliant young woman, and to be proud of who she is, regardless of color.

Jun 11, 2008 - 10:51 am 52. Lynn:

Oh, I forgot something which is important. In the U.S., one often doesn’t have to pay fees to adopt special needs kids, or hard to place children. other than the normal legal fees associated with them – and they are quite small. In fact, one can get help, even for white kids, when they fall into this category. And, often, once a child is school age, they fall into this category. Color or race isn’t the issue. Age is the issue.

There are more black children in the system for three reasons: first, more wind up in the system (this isn’t the place to discuss that), second, fewer black families formally adopt children. There is often an informal process amongst blacks, but when that breaks down, and it has, you wind up with all these kids who have nowhere to go. And thirdly, some time ago black social workers got up in arms about white folks adopting children of color, because they felt it was a sort of “genocide,” and, as a part of that, white parents couldn’t possibly appropriately bring up a black child. Their “black” identity would be extinguished. These are 3 very real reasons why there are more black kids in the system than any other at this time.

There are incentives for all adoptive parents of hard to place kids, regardless of the child’s color or ethnicity. Not foreign born kids, but kids born right here in the U.S.A., and there are millions of them that need homes.

The fact is, the author probably wanted an infant – a new born. The wait in the U.S. for white children and even bi-racial children can be long, even with an expensive adoption service. Frankly, it has gotten so even black infants are becoming a premium – it’s not until after the bio mom has either decided she can’t take care of the child, or has had it taken away, that they enter the system. And, often, by that time, many are no longer considered infants – which for the purposes of adoption, usually means school age.

Jun 11, 2008 - 11:22 am 53. Michelle:

WOW.. I’m shocked. I would NEVER tell my child that their adoption costs less than a white child. What good will that do, what it will do is make her feel unvaluble and unworthy, which she is not. I agree with you that agencies should not place such fees on different races, that would anger me too, but if it makes you feel as you do, think of how it will make HER feel. She is a precious gift and should never be made to feel otherwise, certainly not by the mouth of her own mother. I know MANY adopted people, none of them ask what the fee was for their adoption, that is outrageous to me. I am a foster parent, I see many adoptions, and will soon be adoptiing myself. I wouldn’t dream of hurting my child in such a way. 16 years ago, before my son was born, my ex-husband gave me a choice to either have a abortion or he would make me have a miscarriage, but no way would this child be born alive, I packed my bags, hit the road and never looked back. Do you think I would EVER tell my son that his father wished him dead? not in a million years, I’ll tell a million white lies if I have to, to see to it that he never feels that he was so unwanted or so unloved that his own father made that threat. NEVER.. I pray to God that you reconsider, once it’s done, it’s done, there is no taking it back and nothing you do will bring back her self worth.

Sep 23, 2008 - 10:11 am 54. Patricia:

We adopted through the state foster system. We said the first adoptable sibling group, any race. The case worker asked if we were sure that any race was fine and sounded surprised. We were blessed with twin, multi-racial babies. We are now looking at domestic adopting through the sliding scale, race is not our issue, affordable adoption is. Frankly the rates aren’t there to discriminate they are there to help kids get families.
I think you should spend your racist watch at planned parenthood where they offer free abortion to any other race than white, funded by a racist donor. There is some racism that should be exposed.

Oct 2, 2008 - 1:01 pm

Write a Comment

Name:	(required, displayed)
Email:	(required, not publicized)
URL:	(optional, displayed)
Comments: