The First Puppy’s Inaugural Address
Bo, the new presidential pooch, confirms that the White House has gone to the dogs.
I am a newcomer. As such, I refuse to get stuck in the old, rigid ways of thinking, such as those that have brought this country staggering wealth and the undisputed leadership of the world in the last 60 years. We don’t need to cling to outmoded models of success.
What we need is to run around biting and yapping at and peeing on everything we don’t like or don’t understand.
We are not merely at the low point in an economic downturn that is less severe than the one we quickly bounced back from in 1982.
If you don’t do as I say, we’ll be fighting our owners for that last can of Alpo.
You’ve all heard the humans talk about the threat from China. It’s real. And it’s worse for us dogs. They’re eating German Shepherd’s pie. Their Taco Bell dog is an entree, not a spokesman. I don’t even want to tell about the main ingredient in their Coquilles St. Bernard.
This nation is becoming a land of too many Kibbles, not enough Bits.
The problem is inequality. Irish setters, I’m looking at you. Do you have a right to all that fur? How can you sleep at night when you think of the poor Chihuahuas?
Sheep dogs, cockapoos, and Pomeranians, prepare to get sheared. My Asset Reallocation of Fur (ARF) is going to create jobs with a program to gather your hair, knit sweaters out of them, and distribute them to shivering greyhounds, Jack Russells, and pugs.
Short-haired dachshunds and long-haired dachshunds: The time has come to put aside your differences. After federal reapportioning, you will both become medium-haired.
Any dogs who find themselves with too little or too much fur for their climates will be eligible for federal relocation programs, while dogs who have difficulty getting used to their new owners will benefit from retraining schemes.
The coming months will be exciting ones as I decide which dog-food companies have the most union-friendly policies and the lowest carbon emissions and drive the others out of business. Some dogs may starve to death in the resulting chaos. There will be a federal program to ensure proper funerals.
Members of the press, I appreciate the fact that you have treated me with the same level of scrutiny you have devoted to the human president, who has informed me that I will play a vital role in distracting humans from his policies. He obviously has a high opinion of me. Why do you think he named me after his own initials?
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Kyle Smith is a film critic for the the New York Post. His website is at www.kylesmithonline.com.
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23 Comments
1. Delia:This was a cute post and if you’d posted this on Saturday I’d probably have appreciated it much more but I’m in a really bad mood today.
-But, since nobody posted yet, I wanted to give you some kudos for the effort to give some of us a little laughter. I just wish my funny-bone was working today…*sigh*
Apr 21, 2009 - 9:06 am 2. AlanABQ:Hmm…I thought there was already a dog in the
Apr 21, 2009 - 9:24 am 3. davidt:White“People’s” House for like 3 months now…While Barrack and Michelle were watching Bo lick himself, Barrack said, “I wish I could do that!” To which Michelle replied, “Maybe you should just pet him instead.”
Apr 21, 2009 - 9:40 am 4. AlanABQ:#3-
Thanks. Alot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean Fritos & salsa off of a monitor screen? And now I have that horrid image to repress now…
Sheesh.
Apr 21, 2009 - 9:53 am 5. kim:#3…
I’m so glad I had just put down my drink, or I would have been cleaning my monitor too!
The sad thing is, in any of the pictures I have seen, not one of the family seems really excited about this dog. I see smiles and such, but I at the very least I expected to see those little girls on the ground with him, playing and laughing like crazy, like any kid would if they just got the dog they supposidly always wanted and begged for.
My guess is the “dog who should have everything” will have a lonely life. I hope I’m wrong.
Apr 21, 2009 - 10:21 am 6. AThinkingPerson:#3 … OMG! Now the question is HOW TO GET THAT IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD! Poor dog.
Apr 21, 2009 - 11:13 am 7. Delia:AThinkingPerson, ha-ha!
I hope it is okay to post this link here but this guy cracks me up when he rants about the white and black racists who voted for 0bama:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D2wuTXOmTU
“Boom ShakkaLakka!” ROTFL! What this man says actually has some truth to it but I was laughing so hard I could barely take him seriously half the time with his use of hilarious verbiage.
“Boom ShakkaLakka” is my new favorite phrase of the week. *swipes tear of laughter*
Apr 21, 2009 - 12:52 pm 8. kenny komodo:I have a message for the “First Dog”. You can be Neutered. You might not be neutered today, or next month or even next year. But I can tell you that the people are already tired of picking up your poo. I realize that as “First Dog” you are equal to and yet at the same time above all the other dog. But be warned. We are watching. And you will be neutered.
Apr 21, 2009 - 1:48 pm 9. Cybergeezer:God! I thought the photo was of Michelle Obama, until I saw the pink tongue. I know her tongue isn’t pink.
Apr 21, 2009 - 2:06 pm 10. Cybergeezer:3. davidt:
Apr 21, 2009 - 2:16 pm 11. Sebastian Shaw:SUPERB! Obambi may try that with our enemies before long.
I can’t believe Obama said the dog must be HYPO-ALLEGENIC! He’s a dog–not some piece of carpet or toy!
Apr 21, 2009 - 2:17 pm 12. one of my own:11. SS . . . Help me out here . . . what does HYPO-ALLEGENIC mean?
Apr 21, 2009 - 5:31 pm 13. AThinkingPerson:#9 Cybergeezer…. Again I say on this thread OMG! Who knew there were so many hilarious people on this website!
#7 Delia… That video was wonderful and appreciate you sharing it. I’ve forwarded the link onward to like-minded friends and family and am hoping it will spread like wildfire in the web-o-sphere. Especially liked the part about “Obama being allegedly a black man”. Not only is his citizenship questionable, his race is too!
Apr 21, 2009 - 5:57 pm 14. MP51:Not only did the poor dog have to be hypoallergenic–meaning he doesn’t cause any kind of allergic reaction–but he also had to be trained to eat arugula. The Obamas don’t look like dog people to me. Too prim and proper. You don’t know true love until you’ve had a dog slobber all over you. The girls seem rather…pampered. Barry wears expensive suits. Michelle wears J. Crew. You might have heard.
I’m a big pet aficionado, but I don’t get all the hoopla over the pooch. Honestly, I’ve seen better-looking dogs.
Apr 22, 2009 - 12:42 am 15. bobbcat:7. Delia. Thanks for posting that link. What a nutcase but great for a few good laughs.
Apr 22, 2009 - 8:49 am 16. bobbcat:12. one of my own: “what does HYPO-ALLEGENIC mean?”
Apr 22, 2009 - 8:54 am 17. one of my own.:Means a low-level chance of causing an allergic reaction. I gather this particular breed of dog must not shed much.
Well what is wrong with having allergies? Are we going to hate Obama for allergies now too? I have a rash so bad on my ass that I am itching my hemorrhoids bloody because I found out my anus is allergic to my hamster.
You people need to lighten up on the allergy issue. People die from allergies every year and it is not funny.
Apr 22, 2009 - 12:23 pm 18. AlanABQ:Methinks I detect some sock-puppetry w/ OOMO’s nom de plume, here & elsewhere.
Or maybe not. Whatever. A troglodyte by any other persona is still a trog.
Apr 22, 2009 - 1:18 pm 19. Cybergeezer:17. one of my own.:
Apr 23, 2009 - 4:10 pm 20. Frank:Funny; Funny; Funny; Even if you are serious, people with emphysema and lung cancer refuse to quit smoking; The penultimate irony.
Death knows no pain.
With BO in the people’s house; there is one occupant that I can like.
Apr 24, 2009 - 2:35 pm 21. Someone75:Sebastian Shaw:
Have you ever heard of allergies? One of his daughters is allergic to dogs. I have a hypo-allegenic dog because I love dogs and have very bad allergic reactions.
Apparently many of the posters are idiots.
And no – it doesn’t mean they don’t shed much. They have hair, not fur. Do yourselves a favor and look it up on wikipedia or something.
Jeez.
Apr 24, 2009 - 11:34 pm 22. Michael Lonie:Let us hope that Bo does not end up like the late Socks, the Clintons’ cat. Fobbed off on an underling (and good for her to take the poor thing) after serving the Clintons’ political purposes.
Bo is not necessarily a name modelled on Obama’s initials. My cousin had a dog named Bo many years ago. The dog was into S & M. Really, it loved to have you spank it on its rump as hard as possible. Weird.
Apr 26, 2009 - 8:00 pm 23. AlanABQ:Funny parody
Apr 28, 2009 - 5:03 am