The Politics of Friendship
Navigating the political views of family, friends, and co-workers can be quite a chore during a heated election season.
An acquaintance with whom I am usually very friendly recently found out that I am personally supporting John McCain for president. Her second shock was that I am a Republican. Upon her reaction to this startling information, I was almost tempted to check my fingers and nose to see if I had suddenly contracted leprosy and should book a room at the nearest leper colony.
This is not the first time I’ve been subjected to such a reaction from a liberal upon learning about my political convictions.
- In my theater group I was labeled by one person the “token conservative.” (Imagine being called a token “anything else,” if you will!)
- When America first went into Iraq, a co-worker at the company I worked for at the time literally would not speak to me again when he learned I supported the invasion. (Fortunately for me, he was laid off later that year.)
- Around the same time, a friend lectured me in an email that I really am “too smart” to be taken in by “jingoism” and “chickenhawks.” (Yes, we are still friends. But discussing politics is verboten.)
- And how could I forget when a relative, who was invited to my house for a family dinner back in 2004, pulled my Bush/Cheney sign up from where it was planted in my front yard and hid it? When I confronted him, he laughed it off, saying I would have done the same thing if the situation had been reversed. (Can you say “projection,” boys and girls?)
I’m just waiting for the inevitable “you are a racist” comment because I am not supporting Barack Obama’s candidacy. How does one “prove” one is not a racist?
Can I call someone who claims John McCain is too old to run for president an “ageist”? Like the acquaintance I mention above, who declared McCain is unfit because he is “old”? I said, “So?” She then said he was “old in his thinking,” but didn’t elaborate and went on to talk about something else. Frankly, while I do not like his “thinking” on topics like illegal immigration and global warming, those ideas are hardly considered “old.” In fact, I thought wanting to grant amnesty to illegal aliens and putting a damper on the economy in order to “save the planet” were considered hip positions among the liberal elite.
I must have missed the memo.
Perhaps I should have mentioned that if McCain is too old to run for the presidency then we should put an age limit on all federally elected officials. Once you hit 65 you must retire. That would certainly clean out a lot of old fuddy-duddies with outdated thinking on Capitol Hill. (Robert Byrd, Dianne Feinstein, Nancy Pelosi, and John Murtha are among those who will have to go. I’m sure you can think of more on both sides of the aisle.)
But living in the bluest section of a blue state means that I am part of a very small minority, and must either learn to laugh these things off or become bitter and resentful of my fellow citizens. I suppose I could act like a typical “white” person described over at Stuff White People Like, who “spend a significant portion of their time preparing for the moment when they will be offended. They read magazines, books, and watch documentaries all in hopes that one day they will encounter a person who will say something offensive. When this happens, they can leap into action with quotes, statistics, and historical examples.”
Me, I’m the kind of person who only thinks of great comebacks after the fact. Besides, I really don’t enjoy getting into shouting matches about politics or much of anything else, for that matter. I’m a non-confrontational sort of person. Perhaps it has something to do with being a middle child:
Mediator, fewest pictures in the family photo album, avoids conflict, independent, extreme loyalty to the peer group, many friends.
Don’t agree with someone about politics? Smile and move on to something else you have in common, like sports or trying to find a diet that works. Life’s too short to make lifelong enemies over politics. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to muddle through together.
Pam Meister is the editor for Family Security Matters and a contributor to Big Hollywood. Her work can also be seen at American Thinker. The views expressed here are her own.
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20 Comments
1. Xanthippe:I can relate. I live in a very liberal town in coastal California.
I lost one close friend (of 20 years) after being told that my point of view (being pro-Iraq War) was an insurmountable obstacle to our friendship. I’ve noticed that a few people suddenly treat me differently after finding out I don’t toe the town party line.
I am now much more circumspect about who I open up to with regard to my political views; I’m in the closet politically.
I have a question for those on the left who read PJM: has this happened to you?
Jun 19, 2008 - 7:10 am 2. Natalie:I have stopped discussing politics in large groups. The reactions are over the top. The Democrats seem to get so emotional. I do not undestand it, so I just keep quiet now.
Jun 19, 2008 - 9:07 am 3. JohnMc:It used to be that the conservatives were the angry ones. Now, its the liberals who immediately shift into apoplexy the moment the conversation turns political. It’s so … progressive!
Jun 19, 2008 - 10:54 am 4. Cinnamon:I’m in the same situation (living in San Francisco) and one has to pick and choose her battles. But that doesn’t mean always staying silent. A well-timed fact (usually missing from liberal arguments) or simply questioning the prevailing wisdom can be quite effective. You don’t have to declare yourself a rightwinger (or whatever) to shake things up. And you’ll feel much better about yourself the next morning
Jun 19, 2008 - 11:28 am 5. Mara:I revealed my political leanings at a film festival I was attending and from then on I was referred to as the “neo-con.” I didn’t care. It is important to stand up for your beliefs and not be cowed by liberals. They’re fun to argue with as they have no facts, just talking points. And sometimes you can actually give them some food for thought. Their over-the-top emotional response is usually triggered by the fact that they cannot abide differing opinions. It scares them.
Jun 19, 2008 - 12:21 pm 6. Two Dogs:Embrace your racism, Pam. I hate people of mixed race, too. That actually means every single human being on the planet.
Jun 19, 2008 - 12:52 pm 7. FredHjr:Most of the people in my life are Left-of-center and some of them are militantly so. It is impossible to have a rational discussion with such people. Even citing important facts sets them foaming at the mouth. I’ve opted to stay under the radar and keep my views unknown whenever possible. Like the author of the above article, even though I am a first-born, I’ve learned in life that there are very few things worth fighting about. Most of what people square off about are ridiculous. I used to be a hockey player, so being non-confrontational whenever possible is an interesting attitude for someone with my background.
I used to be on the Left thirty years ago, but around 1987 I left the Left. The people who used to be my friends back then have shunned me for leaving the Marxist fold. I am now the enemy.
Liberals/Leftists have become increasingly less cerebral over the years since I left the Left. I’ve met quite a few like me who left, and we feel liberated on so many levels. All of us are not surprised that the Left has largely been reduced to people who fall back on talking points, not reason or fact. It is impossible to have a rational discussion with the likes of them, so I don’t even try. I discussing politics with those people. I’ve seen how they deal with us: they get angry, impatient, and just shout over us. There is no point in suffering this indignity.
Jun 19, 2008 - 12:57 pm 8. MethodtoMadness:Yeah, it’s alway a sad thing when politics ruin friendships. I would like to point out that the scenarios you’ve discussed above are very congruous to what a liberal or even moderate sees in very red areas, as well.
The only issues over which I’ll actually fight or lose friendships over are those that hit too close to home. For example, if you have a close relative or friend in Iraq, you may be ok with friends that are against the war but have great respect for the troops, but not with someone who thinks the soldiers are the problem. I can understand, for instance, why a gay person would have a hard time being friends with someone who believes gay people are going to hell and don’t deserve equal rights. Come to think of it, thinking someone’s going to hell for any reason might be a significant barrier to friendship…
Jun 19, 2008 - 5:52 pm 9. mac:It’s pretty simple. Conservatives think liberals are stupid,while libs think conservatives are EEEEEVVIILLLL!
You can argue with a person who has incorrect thinking and hope to change their opinion with contrary, but provable, information. EEEEEVVIILLLL people, on the other hand, are to be shunned, banned, ostracized and forced from polite society if possible. NOTHING is ruled out when dealing with EEEEEVVIILLL; they must be coerced into submission “by any means necessary,” to quote a 60’s lib.
My experience is that there is not much use in arguing with libs. They so greatly love being wrapped in the cloak of false moral superiority that almost nothing, and certainly not mere facts, can force them to divest themselves of it. Some libs do manage to cast it aside, but that action usually comes after their belief system lands them in one of those train wrecks life prepares for those who fail to see the world with sufficient clarity.
Long and short of it: libs are people who either don’t have, or blithely ignore, empirical evidence.
Jun 19, 2008 - 7:21 pm 10. ShermanStreet:I am a Republican living in Seattle and I hear the most liberal people make the most disparaging comments about conservatives and the GOP all the time. Its really like living in enemy territory. To add to the pot, I am a gay man and Seattle’s gay community is hard left. As most gay Republicans will say, its always easier to come out to Republicans as gay than it is to come out to other gays as a Republican. In Seattle, diversity and multiculturalism is enforced with a sledgehammer, except when it comes to differing viewpoints, then diversity disappears.
NObama!
Jun 19, 2008 - 7:47 pm 11. seeker:There are two options here:
1. McCain, a believer of old American values. “Very Old” but distinctly American in flavor.
2. Obama, a proponent of “progressive change”… so new, so tempting. “Very New” but a great probability of not so American in flavor.
Choose. The Old Free-Enterprise America or New Socialist America.
That’s the point of no return, as per Lloyd Webber.
Jun 19, 2008 - 9:09 pm 12. NB:Case in point: I emailed a (very liberal) friend of mine the document Newt Gingrich put together on AmericanSolutions.com because I agree with almost all of his “solutions”.
He emailed back saying that Mr. Gingrich is proof that even an idiot can have a place in America.
I responded, wanting to have an intelligent conversation about our political differences, asking him to explain which part/parts he disagreed with, why, and what his positions were.
That was a week ago and I have yet to receive any response. And no responses to my non political “how ya doin’, how’s your girlfriend” emails or my calls just to keep in touch. Perhaps we’re not friends anymore…
Jun 19, 2008 - 11:57 pm 13. Qulmos:THANK YOU! I exactly agree with you!
I have so many friends around me gushing about Obama (a few of them because he’s black or part-black), and yet just about everyone, regardless of whether or not they like Obama, will all-too-readily question McCain because of his age. I’ve even been mocked by my own family! If they’re so smart, why don’t they argue with logic instead of ridicule?
I can’t believe liberalism… it puts on this nice show about welcoming opposing viewpoints, but the moment you say something which they don’t like or don’t agree with, you get mocked for it. Free speech should not have such hypocritical provisos.
Jun 20, 2008 - 7:14 am 14. Reverse_Vampyr:My experiences echo Mac’s comment. I work in a field that tilts strongly liberal, and have found that when co-workers hear of my political inclinations, they come unglued. And so far I have yet to find a single one who can explain why he/she identifies themselves as a Democrat aside from the notion that it’s more “hip”. Talking points make for a comfy blanket of superiority.
I do, however, have a couple of close friends who are pretty liberal with whom I’ve been able to have constructive discussions on the issues. I enjoy being able to hear their side of things voiced in a calm and non-condescending manner. Truly tolerant libs are rare, but they do exist.
Jun 20, 2008 - 8:11 am 15. Kate:This conversation is so helpful for me. I’m in academia, and I constantly have to listen to people crow about how they are teaching their students to be “radical” — and this is a major American institution, one of the top 30 schools. For seven years I have been here and have listened to stuff like that, and kept my mouth shut. I actually had one confidant warn me that I might “never get a job” if my opinions are known….keeping in mind that I’m a MODERATE and am not even a registered Republican (I’m registered Independent).
Finally I have started speaking up and believe me, they think I am Evil. And mean. And a bully. All because I express my opinion. It’s totalitarianism…but I don’t have enough nerve to say that yet. It is very difficult to know what battles to pick, and when you do engage and your opponent resorts to personal attacks, it’s difficult to not respond in kind.
Jun 20, 2008 - 8:15 am 16. Chicago Fire:Politics would not be the only reason a friendship is threatened. If you really want deep seated hostilities to flare, try religious discussions. I finally had enough of a radical anarchist “friend” of 40 yrs. spouting off about how Catholics are sexist, authoritarian and evil, even though he knew my grandson attends a catholic elem. school. I am no great Catholic but he went way over the top, once too often and I e-mailed him it was a voluntary organization, with no government backing, unlike the Islamic societies he likes so much and that he is simply a bigot. No response. Silence.
Jun 20, 2008 - 9:02 am 17. NahnCee:I cut off a liberal Obamaniac friend and don’t see her any more because she simply could NOT stay away from her beloved favorite topic of “Bush is EVIL!” No matter what I changed the subject to, she swerved back to her Bush hatred within a minute or two. Why do I need to hear this bullshit, especially when I’ve asked (repeatedly) can we please just not talk about it any more? The definition of a friend should be someone who is supportive and that you enjoy being with — not a lecturing, ignorant, selfish one-trick pony.
Jun 20, 2008 - 9:58 am 18. adie:I’ve not only lost friends, I’ve lost jobs, because of my open support and respect for our military, my refusal to buy the ‘global warming’ scam, and support for President Bush. Sure I disagree with lots of things Bush has done (Harriet Myers, illegal immigration). I’ve voted republican since being forced to listen to 4 years of Carter (what a socialist eor). In both cases (friends and jobs), I consider neither a loss to me. Cutting people and jobs like that loose is a win for me since I don’t have to waste my headspace on their succeptibility to propaganda. It’s time to stand up for America. When you are silent, you permit people to continue in their delusions unchallenged. In the oil price, this isn’t something we can simply indulge as we have indulged drug-fried hippies since the 60s. Some environmental extremists (ELF) have burned down apartment complexes and car lots. They are anti-human. Those preventing our freedom to drill where ever we damn well please are breaching our civil rights and hastening our premature deaths as we can look forward to inability to ship food and supplies, and power outages that leave us freezing in the dark. To me, government control of oil is a more massive example of the court-sanctioned murder of Terri Schiavo. If you do not realize that democrats not only don’t care if you live or die, but that they consider it culling out our defenseless and their own unspoken plan for ’solving’ the social security funding problem, then you are not listening to them.
Jun 22, 2008 - 5:30 am 19. John Furutani:As a baby boomer, I can provide a bit of credibility when confronted by various “progressive” diatribes:
1) I used to be part of the New Left; I am no longer because history, truth, and the realities of socialism–National, Soviet, Chinese–should be enough for most rational people.
2) I am polite, civil, and sarcastic towards everyone and everything. No discrimination on my part ala Henry Higgins. If no one can be hoisted upon his own petard, then we live in Zimbabwe and not America.
3) I’m a minority (Asian) who detests affirmative action–if I’m a racist for that then what are my friends who may be leery of Mr. Obama?
4) I’m against same sex marriage; yet I have dinner with a friend everytime I visit D.C. because we forged a relationship out of mutual benefit and struggle against a former employer of mine. I respect him, he respects me, and we don’t discuss hot button issues. And even if he asked my views, I am confident he wouldn’t explode and suddenly assign me to the 9th circle of Hell.
5) I’ve worked at 3 levels of government–no one can tell me government is the best solution (although it does have a role).
6) I’m a Deist, yet was raised in Christianity and exposed via my hometown environment to Judaism to a great extent. As with Lenny Bruce, as one grows older, and becomes a parent, one grows to appreciate the role religion has in civil society.
7) I’ve worked in community corrections; I know evil exists, and don’t romanticize or excuse criminal behavior.
So try not to feel too isolated–you are not alone and in good company always.
Jun 23, 2008 - 11:43 am 20. David Heimer:Hmmm…interesting that you don’t justify WHY it was necessary for the U.S. to invade a sovereign, albeit with an evil leader, country. Mr. Furutani, you seem to simply want to irritate folks and start trouble. The Iraq invasion was wrong and george Bush and his hinchmen belong in jail!
Oct 26, 2008 - 4:40 pm