What Happens if America Goes Broke?
Maybe we could sell other countries our celebrities — as long as they promise to take good care of them and groom them and give them walks every day.
I think we’ve all been broke before. Large men come and break your thumbs and threaten your family, and then you hide out in a dumpster until it all blows over. That’s all well and good for an individual, but what happens if our entire country goes broke?
Robert J. Samuelson raised this concern in the Washington Post, and it got me worried, even though I didn’t quite understand it all (which perhaps actually increases the worry). We can’t just hide America in a dumpster (and even if we could, I bet that goody-two-shoes Canada would rat us out); we need a real plan for if the U.S. were to go broke. So is this a real concern?
I believe so. Our president loves spending money. He just loves it. Now, he’s really smart — much smarter than even a border collie — but I just don’t think he understands basic economics. His solution to everything is “Let’s spend more money on a giant new government program!” And while he’s spending the money, he has this big, happy “I’m spending money!” smile on his face. It’s adorable. That’s why I don’t think anyone has the heart to tell him we don’t have any money left to spend. Think of the sad frowny face he’d make if he was told he couldn’t spend any more money; we’d all be heartbroken.
Still, with America going broke, it’s a huge problem. Just the other day, Obama heard some people don’t have health care, so he was like, “We need a giant new government program to get everyone health care!” People even told him, “But that will cost a lot of money.” But Obama said, “No, it will save us money!” And when people asked how, Obama said, “Because of these magic beans I bought!”
Again, no one had the heart tell him those beans weren’t really magic (and were actually a type of dried pea) and were just a mean trick Dick Cheney had played on him, so now it looks like we might get this giant, new, expensive health care program. And even if we financially survive that, what happens if Obama hears that not all children grew up with a pony like he did and decides to make an expensive “Ponies for Children” government program? Creditors will come banging on our door any day now to break America’s thumb, which would mean snapping Michigan in two or something.
I know some of you are thinking we can just wait out Obama until 2012 and get a new president who won’t get so sad if we tell him not to spend money, but the way things are going, by then we’ll be too broke to afford having another presidential election, which will mean we’re stuck with Obama until the country gets to the point that it’s begging Mexico for spare change. So we’re just going to have to find some way to cope with Obama’s spending and not go broke.
The obvious solution, one even Obama will seize upon, is to raise taxes. The problem is there’s not much money left to tax. Many people are jobless, others are living paycheck to paycheck, and even Bill Gates has had to run a kiosk in the mall to try and sell his Windows 7. If Obama raises taxes, the economy is just going to get worse, and eventually everyone will go after Obama with torches and pitchforks (which will be a boon for hardware stores), and then Obama will get scared and hide under his desk crying, and we’ll all feel awful. No one wants that.
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Frank J. Fleming writes political humor at IMAO.us and is beloved throughout the world.
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32 Comments
1. Brian:Enjoyed it.
Nov 10, 2009 - 3:53 am 2. LeighB:To raise money, I think we should rent Obama out. Cuba might take a week or two, Venezuela another week, the Middle East gets him for the summer, Mexico a couple of days, and England for a whole day. North Korea wants him for a year but they can only steal enough from their people to buy him for 10 hours. The less time he spends in the USA the less of our money he can take or spend and he needs to get out there and earn some coin to help share the expense of the fancy jet(s) he uses for date night, buzzing the Statue of Liberty and important stuff like that. Perhaps Billy the neighborhood ghostwriter could pen him another autobio and he could go on tour to promote it.
Nov 10, 2009 - 4:06 am 3. Tony R:“That means we need some creative solutions to raise some dough. So what is America good at? Well, we’re pretty good at invading countries.”
Wrong! You are terrible at invading countries!!
You see, imperialism works like this – you invade another country, install your military and a puppet government, turn the people into virtual slaves and take all that countries natural resources and use it for yourselves.
Where America has been going wrong these past 70 years is that you invade other countries, rid them of tyrannical rulers, repair any damage you have caused, fund the countries economic growth, drag it into the 21st century, pay to keep your military in that country to provide free protection from future tyrants and get no thanks for your efforts whatsoever.
You see where you are going wrong? My tip is to go back to Kuwait, take all their oil and tell anyone who gets in your way to take a running jump. Problem solved!
Nov 10, 2009 - 5:08 am 4. Seraphim:What Happens if America Goes Broke?
IF? I think we’re already there and beyond.I wouldn’t mind donating our derelict celebrities to poor communist countries just to be rid of those pinko worshiping idiots who idolize themselves as they prance about on the silver screen and vomit mindless drivel for their Lefty Loon dictator propaganda off-screen.
Nov 10, 2009 - 5:18 am 5. Delia:*sigh* I wish I could laugh right now. Maybe I’ve lost my snark button as of late. I do appreciate your trying to be funny and look at things through the lens of humor and even absurdity, but, this article depressed the hell outta me.
“What we do is send out a broadcast to the world that we just can’t take it anymore — that a broke country is a country not worth existing. Then we totally nuke ourselves.”
??? UGH! Way harsh, even for sarc.
Maybe I just need a cup O’ java.
Nov 10, 2009 - 5:18 am 6. vivo:“What Happens if America Goes Broke?”
Define America. Regular Americans have very little to go broke. The question is more for the billionaires and millionaires of the country. They could buy entire countries with their fortunes before they go broke.
Nov 10, 2009 - 5:41 am 7. Prologue:Renting out politicians is an excellent idea. Or, better yet, how about an updated version of “The Ransom of Red Chief”. We can send our politicians abroad and leave them there. When they’ve done enough damage in the host country, those folks will pay us anything to take them back. Then we’ll send them someplace else. In the meantime, we can start fixing things here.
Nov 10, 2009 - 5:42 am 8. Arroyo2:How about Rent-A-Prez for a name? Rent-A-Wreck is already taken.
Nov 10, 2009 - 5:43 am 9. kdell:started cute. then took ignorant shots at the US. then got just stupid. stop wasting our time with drivel like this.
Nov 10, 2009 - 6:38 am 10. Trainwreck:Don’t forget Crap&Tax: predicated on junk science worse than the ideas of Lysenko (which caused mass starvation in the soviet union), we are going to spend $22 trillion dollars to lower the temperature of the earth by 0.2oC (best IPCC estimate) by 2100. We will be unable to afford the energy we need to live, but we’ll feel all warm and fuzzy inside as we go green. Meanwhile, Al Gorleone and his Hollywood Henchmen will live high on the hog and assuage their guilt by buying “carbon credit” indulgences. This country will be the greenest 3rd world banana republic ever!
Nov 10, 2009 - 6:45 am 11. kevin S:we could hold an Americathon!
Nov 10, 2009 - 7:27 am 12. JED:With an open border, open society, open check book and open set of junk sciences policy, the suggestion is to invest in Chinese-Spanish dictionaries. That is: push 3 for English.
Nov 10, 2009 - 7:28 am 13. deguello:We put Jefferson’s words about revolution into practice,expropriate the plutocracy that ruined it;use its wealth to reindustrialize,pull out of the UN,NATO,IMF and other mechanisms for globalist-plutocratic control,and rebuild the republic!
Nov 10, 2009 - 8:04 am 14. deguello:Incidentally folks,we’re broke already;the land mine has been laid;it’s only a matter of time before we do a weimar.The question for patriots is;”How do we use this opportunity?”.Let’s not waste it; we can roll back and destroy the 60’s,globalism,moral nihilism,and the plutocracy.We can restore our nation!
Nov 10, 2009 - 8:15 am 15. RC:“What Happens if America Goes Broke?”
Vivo swims to Cuba.
Nov 10, 2009 - 8:27 am 16. Mr []! 10001110:Now,
Nov 10, 2009 - 8:27 am 17. Paul:Normal i do not stoop as to leave “comments” in “threads”, but
i felt compelled to confirm that America is indeed insured. Not
by Lloyd’s of London, but another firm. So we will be O.K, according to the Data sets, as interpreted by myself. Also Mr Flemingis a satirist, and i love how so many of you geniuses fail to catchthat. Just as you fail to recognize the joke that actual politics has become. Oh, and Deguello you cannot copulate with a land mine! :]!!! oh shut up! yessir!
Renting out politicians is an excellent idea. Or, better yet, how about an updated version of “The Ransom of Red Chief”. We can send our politicians abroad and leave them there. When they’ve done enough damage in the host country, those folks will pay us anything to take them back. Then we’ll send them someplace else. In the meantime, we can start fixing things here.”
Arguably the most sensible proposition… except I propose that we permanently refuse the re-entry of all current politicians.
Nov 10, 2009 - 8:37 am 18. Awesometific American:I think now is the time to go with Frank’s first option. We recall our troops from Iraq and Afghanistan and quickly invade Canada and Mexico. This is a brilliant plan. Canada has a lot of yummy natural resources we can use and if we add Mexico to the United States that fixes our illegal immigration problem right there. It is a win/win scenario because both of those countries could not stop us.
Option number 2 is we invade Switzerland and make them the 51st State. They have a lot of gold and I see all them gold commercials on TV telling me that I can make big money off of selling my unwanted gold. We do that and all our problems are solved.
Nov 10, 2009 - 8:38 am 19. ciccio:I have a much better idea on raising money. Let the US offer nuke insurance. For as little as $50 billion a year guarantee the Saudis that we wont nuke Mecca. Start small, perhaps with Libya and the the man made river project. Of course Ghadaffi is going to rave and rant but a couple of small missiles can cut of Tripoli’s entire water supply, then he will start paying. The opportunities are endless, there is that one little tower in Dubai that is worth a good billion a year.
Nov 10, 2009 - 8:57 am 20. Jim Baker:I think we should go global with Powerball.
Nov 10, 2009 - 12:04 pm 21. Lily:Well I dunno about selling nukes to the Koreans and Iranians. I don’t trust them. They keep saying they want us dead. I know, I know, they are probably just joking around, like countries do, but still.
I think if we do sell them some nukes, we should sell them ones that don’t work. We could fill them with those old Feista Ware plates that were painted with radioactive paint back in the day. They don’t sell them anymore on account of radioactive plates not being healthy to eat off of, but we don’t want foreigners to eat off them so we don’t have to worry. We just want enough radioactivity to set off their geiger counters in case they check. They won’t know if the nukes work or not, if they knew how nukes worked they could make their own. For all they know, Fiesta Ware plates make good nuclear fuel.
Then if they find out their nukes don’t work after we get their money, what are they going to do? Nuke us. Hah. They can’t. Their nukes don’t work. And we will have all of their money so they can’t buy real nukes from someone else.
Nov 10, 2009 - 1:34 pm 22. myth buster:Who needs to invade Mexico? Let’s just peacefully annex them.
As for paying our debts, let’s start drilling our own oil, mining our own uranium, and otherwise extracting natural resources.
Nov 10, 2009 - 1:46 pm 23. Don Rodrigo:What Happens if America Goes Broke?
IF? Future Tense? We ARE broke, if you’re talking about the government.
Nov 10, 2009 - 1:51 pm 24. Mo:Read a book called A Distant Crossing written 15 years ago and you’ll find out what happens. What was fiction then has turned into reality.
Nov 10, 2009 - 2:24 pm 25. Mikey:Let’s try the “Chicago Way” and charge other countries to “protect” them from invasion by others.
Nov 10, 2009 - 2:24 pm 26. Fantom:Sorry folks, obama is already rented. King Abdullah has sublet him to Kim Jong-Il. Rumor has it, Kim keeps one of his Dongs there at times.
Nov 10, 2009 - 4:15 pm 27. steve bourg:You’re right! Obama (and Pelosi, Reid, Rangel, Boxer, Jackson-Lee, Waters, and 300 others) don’t understand that we’re really past our limit, NOW, in how much we can borrow from future taxpayers! They don’t really understand that that’s what happens when ginormous overspending occurs!
Nov 10, 2009 - 7:41 pm 28. Marc Malone:So……we’re basically toast. We’ll just have to pull to the side of the road, and watch the crash. It’s utterly, totally unbelievable that they’re so economically illiterate, thinking that the 1930s ’solutions’ will actually work now. They didn’t work then, and they’ll be much more damaging now……now that we’ve already accumulated a govt and national debt that’s bloated. Ouch. Economic freedoms……bye. Destruction…….hello.
We could have Barney Frank reopen his gay brothel, but in other lands. He could franchise. The money would just roll in. Then HE could pay for healthcare. Or maybe he could franchise pot growing.
Maybe we could grow opium poppies here, while destroying competitors’ crops, wherever they may be. Afghanistan? Forget subduing it. Nuke their opium crops and it eliminates our competition AND deprives the Islamists their funding, not to mention making it a bad place for terrorists to hang out. Just corner the market on opium, and we never have money problems again. Let’s play monopoly, baby.
Nov 10, 2009 - 8:21 pm 29. vivo:15. RC:
“What Happens if America Goes Broke?”
Itinerary:
Fly to Cuba. Stay 3 months.
Fly to Venezuela. Stay 6 months.
Fly to Argentina. Stay 6 months.
Fly to London. Stay 2 weeks.
Fly to Paris. Stay 4 months.
Travel all over Europe for 6 months.
Fly to Moscow. Reload bank account.
Fly to Switzerland. Deposit loot.
Fly to China. Stay 3 months.
Get check, go back to US and buy New York City.
Wait for your further instructions.
Nov 10, 2009 - 9:13 pm 30. David W. Lincoln:In one of the columns by Ambrose Evans-Pritchard,
the International Business Editor of the Telegraph,
there was this comment: If you want to know what the next 50 years looks like for the United States,
take a look at the last 50 years of Great Britain.
Great Britain was in rough shape, and frankly needed about 50 years to settle its debts.
Nov 10, 2009 - 10:44 pm 31. DocBrown:Isn’t it weird how the last line,
“But politics is a harsh business.” rhymes with
“The moon is a harsh mistress.”
I’m just sayin’, is all.
Nov 11, 2009 - 2:04 pm 32. Mike C:#30
Good points – and we also should look to the UK as an example of what not to do. After WWII, the UK set up the NHS and adopted socialism, which set their recovery back at least 30 years.
If we adopt a US version of the NHS and the Nanny State, and then add cap-and-tax, this will push any anticipated US recovery date out to at least a century.
Nov 11, 2009 - 2:19 pm