There’s really no need for my comments here, except to marvel at the fantasy, creativity and colossal stupidity that led these people (all men?) to remove themselves from the gene pool. Here you go:
DARWIN AWARDS 2007
And once again, it’s time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.
This years nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI. was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a “farm-type truck”. Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something however, and the other man found Burns “wrapped in the drive shaft”.
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was “one of the best and brightest” members of the 200-man association.
Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolinas electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gun-powder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. “It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony,” Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After Traveling Approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. “Thank God we weren’t on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead,” stated Wallis “I’ve been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can’t believe that those two would admit how this accident happened,” said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole’s wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck???
(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)
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9 Comments
1. David Thomson:“Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole’s wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck???”
The woman obviously has her priorities straight. She no longer needs to worry about birth control. Eating her husband’s testicles would have also been an act of cannibalism. Best to eat the frog legs.
ML:
Yes, I too was full of admiration for the woman…but I think if you reread the award citation you’ll find that the ‘eating testicles’ option’ was, uh, shattered…
Dec 26, 2007 - 11:22 am 2. Mark William Paules:All quite funny, of course, but the “winner” requires some analysis by a mathematician. A .22 bullet can cover all 360 degrees of a circle appoximately 5 inches (the radius) from the firing point at a circumference of 79.2 inches. Assuming target is 2″ wide, on the flat plane of a circle the chance of a hit is about 40/1 (discounting for the possiblity of ricochet). But we are dealing in three dimensional space, not a flat plane. Multiply the 40 by 360 to represent the possibilities in a sphere (same radius at 5″), divided by the vertical measurement of the target (assuming two inches on a cold day), and you get the astronomical chance of one in 7,200. But then, anyone who owns and practices with firearms probably knows this intuitively. And, yes, I definitely have too much time on my hands.
ML:
Good grief! Just have a good laugh, Mark. That’s rare enough these days…
Dec 26, 2007 - 11:48 am 3. Alireza:I know it might be a long stretch, but I do want to nominate three other people/groups for this award:
1- Sen. Liberman coming out in support of Reformists in Iran and saying they have to be supported by U.S.!!! Only someone with LOW IQ, OR having other intentions to weaken such a group would come out and make such public announcement. So it is clear he wholeheartedly is in love with AhmadiNejad and finds him weaken day by day that comes out and make such announcement.
2- The other nomination MUST GO to those who created and advertised the $75 million fund for supporting democracy in Iran. Like Liberman comments in support of Reformist in Iran (I can’t stop laughing…) this $75 mil., and Liberman comments has given great Polutonium-235-energy to AhmadiNejad to go after ANYONE and ANYTHING that opposes the ultra right groups in Iran, under the idea that they are supported by U.S.
This reminds me of the day when George Bush called Iran Axis of Evil (I was in Tehran at the time) and less than 24 hours later hell broke loose in Iran and the conservatives and ultra right groups that were put on life support came back to life.
And last but not least, I also demand Israel to pay AhmadiNejad at least $10,000 for every Iranian Jew that leaves Iran. Fair trade must be kept fair and paying his commission must be made public. However, since Iran no longer deals in dollars, they should give him his cut in Euro. It is totally unfair to ignore the service and dedication that AhmadiNejad has shown to the cause of Jews wanting to go to Israel. He has done his fair share and now its Israel turn to return his kind generosity to make Iranian Jews (I don’t believe 40 people REALLY did this.. NO WAY!).
ML:
Alireza, I wish there were something I could do to enable you to laugh, at least once a week…
Dec 26, 2007 - 12:52 pm 4. Dominique R. Poirier:Good point Mr Paules. You are perfectly right in theory, but I’m affraid you didn’t tackle this problem properly for wants of some further knowledge in ballistics and explosives.
A cartridge that is thus fired blows up exactly like, say, a big firecracker. Its case explodes for it is not chambered in a thick metal-made tube acting as a barrel, strong enough anyways to contain the high pressure accompanying the powder’s combustion so as to force it to push the bullet straight out of it.
So, the most likely scenario says that the .22 cartridge blew up, owing to high heat, and that it broke into two or three lethal pieces, as it invariably happens in such exceptional circumstances. But the explosion was certainly strong enough to break into pieces and propel at fast speed some other metal and plastic parts in which this improvised fuse unfortunately took place; which parts were quite likely to be as lethal as the .22 bullet could be.
With regard to your interesting deductions, the aforesaid questions your statistical reasoning, I mean.
However, I willingly acknowledge that there is a no-nil probability for that the fragment responsible of the greatest among all losses recorded during this accident might be the bullet itself.
May I suggest that the presence on this blog of a physician might certainly help us in our endeavor to definitively achieve this enthralling forensic undertaking.
Dec 26, 2007 - 5:56 pm 5. Mark William Paules:Mr. Poirier,
I stand corrected and bow to your superior insight on the matter. An explosion did not occur to me. Alas, I am not a scientist, but a humble history teacher. And yet the story still smacks of urban (in this case rural) legend.
A compatible fuse from the AC or radio would be my first response. Or a jerry-rigged fuse fabricated from a bottle cap or beer can. But of course this is a Darwin Award, so I suppose any answer is possible. Nevertheless, I want to hear the tale told by a castrato before I believe it.
Or see the problem referred to Mythbusters for final analysis. Even money says they’ll take it. Way too good to pass up.
Dec 26, 2007 - 9:07 pm 6. Dominique R. Poirier:To rely on Mythbusters in the end seems to be a good idea to me too, Mr Paules; and let me surmise that the subject would provide its two presenters with an opportunity to make one of their most humoristic appearances ever.
I am a former gunsmith and so I am afraid my insight wasn’t as good this of a teacher in history who drew the correct conclusions you did.
I guess both of us have enjoyed an opportunity to prolong the agony for the satisfaction of the readers and I hope everyone appreciated it as Mr Ledeen certainly did.
Happy New Year, Mr Paules.
P.S.: Nonetheless, I still bemoan the absence of a physician or forensic specialist who would further enlighten us with the strength and resistance of the scrotum against metal and plastic particles travelling at high speed.
Dec 27, 2007 - 6:25 am 7. Michael Walsh:Gentlemen: Mythbusters has already done this. In one episode they put rifle bullets in a stove and cooked them to see if they would fire off and kill the hapless cook. Their discovery was that the exploding casing caused far more damage than the lead slug itself, as it turned to fairly lightweight shrapnel as the load exploded.
Dec 27, 2007 - 3:42 pm 8. Ran:I’m thinking participants of Roe v. Wade as eligible. Hell, if one runs the numbers, 2000 may well have gone Gore. That thought alone has me flirting with ambivalence over my opposition to it.
Dec 27, 2007 - 7:56 pm 9. Brad:You don’t need mythbusters, SNOPES.COM already found the story to be just that: a story.
Nevermind, it’s a cute story, as is the one about the Chevy with the military surplus booster jets strapped to it. It was such a neat story that I hated to look it up.
some of those that go to such great lengths to fool us should give it up and write short stories.
ML:
Heh, well they DO write short stories, they just fall in love with them. The Italians have an expression that says “If it isn’t true, it’s well found.” Which pretty much sums it up.
Dec 30, 2007 - 9:46 am