Chesler Chronicles

December 23rd, 2008 12:25 pm

When Friends Fight About Ideas

I have to get this off my chest or I will explode. This is my therapy session. Today, I am truly a blogger.

The internet seems to incite cowards to strike-and-flee, often under assumed names. They have no shame and no manners. I accept this as par for the course at the hands of strangers. In addition to kind words, praise, and some admiration, I am also used to a certain amount of vitriol, sarcasm, thinly veiled anti-Semitism, and to more overt demonizations of Israel, America, feminism, or of one political party over another.

Look: I received my first death threats in 1970-1971, when I began speaking out about rape and gender-based double standards in general and in psychiatry in particular. The threats continued as I led campaigns against batterers, incestuous fathers, and a host of other not-so-lovely characters. Most recently, complaints from a public library computer in Oklahoma were lodged against me with the FBI. Among other things, I was accused of conspiring to bomb Muslim holy sites (!). After talking to the agent in charge, he finally suggested that, given what I’m writing, (I sent him to my blog and website), that I might be wise to keep his number handy. I have taken his advice.

Thus, I am used to being maligned in the public sphere and have learned how not to let it get to me. After all, it’s not “personal.” However, I do badly when I am forced to field up-close-and-personal ideological attacks especially when I have not solicited them. I do not like arguments or debates at my table. I find them uncivilized. I avoid them if possible. I am willing to debate the devil in public–but in private, I will not even debate Peter Rabbit. I save it for where it counts.

Therefore, I do not know what to do when a friend or acquaintance insists on fighting with me or with another guest and cannot stop himself or herself, not even when asked to do so. I had to strongly admonish two guests for this reason; they would not stop verbally attacking another guest. (And by the way, one was a conservative Republican and the other a liberal Democrat).

In the last few days, I have been attacked via email by a right-winger and a left-winger. Both are people I know and respect. Both were upset by something I had written. Both could have responded to what fired them up by writing a piece of their own, a letter to the editor, or by posting a comment. They could also have kept silent. Instead, they both launched a veritable campaign of emails against me. Nothing I said could get either of them to stop.

The right-winger did not like my blog about Bernard Madoff. She felt that I was being anti-Semitic when I described Jews–any Jews–as “greedy.” She felt that this would encourage real anti-Semites to go further, much further. In my opinion, the subject I’d written about had obviously upset her so much that she’d decided to shoot the messenger. I begged her to stop badgering me. I told her to post her comments at my blogsite. Nothing could get her to stop. It was a wearying, troubling experience.

But, maybe her hysterical tirade might not have bothered me quite as much if I had not just dealt with a series of harsh and critical emails from a left-winger. In my opinion, this exchange bears repeating. This person routinely receives my mailings. (”Never again” has just taken on a new meaning).

Last week, I published an article about a speech delivered by Rabbi Yisrael Lau, a former Chief Rabbi of Israel. What interested me was this: Years ago, Rabbi Lau had famously challenged the Palestinians by saying: “We know how to die together. Can we learn how to live together?” He now turned to Jews–to other Orthodox Jews–and recast his question. “We are the problem, ourselves, we Jews. We know how to die together, can we learn how to live together?”

I published this piece in the Jewish Press, the largest Orthodox newspaper in the country. Rabbi Lau, a beloved and influential voice, was preaching tolerance, perhaps even love of one Jew for another. At least, that’s what I heard. It’s a theme that interests me and one that I have written about too. I did not hear him say that such “love” or “tolerance” was meant only for other Orthodox Jews. I assumed he meant…all Jews. Yes, it’s a radical concept.

I was therefore shocked when my friend, a prominent rabbi, (who shall remain nameless), read the piece and immediately attacked me in a series of private emails. He is a sweet man who is well known for his views on diversity, tolerance, peace, womens’ rights, definitely Palestinian rights. He was outraged, perhaps heartbroken, that I had attended a “right-wing” dinner; had not publicly challenged and shamed my hosts, perhaps by launching a one-woman demonstration; worst still, instead of hiding the fact that I’d dined, (from his point of view), “with the enemy,” I’d brazenly, foolishly, published a positive piece about what the presumed Enemy had said.

Apparently, the politically correct, progressive rabbi did not believe that the Enemy “Other” Rabbi really wanted Jews to love each other, to treat each other with redemptive kindness; that Rabbi Lau was really challenging Jews to get along–before it’s too late. Thus, the peacenik damned me for not having caused a bloody riot while dining among right-wing Orthodox Jews.

His attacks angered and saddened me. Why are so many Jewish “peace-niks” this angry and bitter? Why is their hottest hatred reserved for other Jews whom they perceive to be their greatest enemies–as opposed to Saudi Arabians, whose inter-faith feasts they are proud to attend and while there, would never dream of disrupting?

There are some Jews who yearn to be accepted into exclusive clubs–and are, therefore, easy prey for someone like Bernard Madoff. And then there are Jews who see their greatest problems as caused by other Jews, not by Jew-hating Islamists or un-Christian Christians; who do not see God in their tribal brother but only in the tribal faces of those who are “other,” including those who wish to kill us.

I am sure that my friends see me as a powerful woman: Indestructible, maternal. They probably don’t believe they have the power to demoralize or hurt me. I hope this article sets them straight. But to be honest: I am not sending it to the two people I’ve written about! I am not sure they will be able to resist writing to me again at length.

I hope you are all warm and safe for the Holidays. To the Christians who are being forced to flee Bethlehem by Palestinian Muslim attackers: My thoughts are with you. Merry Christmas. To Indians who are recovering from but still mourning the victims of the Mumbai massacre: I hope that Israel and India become even stronger allies. To Jews: May miraculous light continue to guide us in this very dark time of year this Channukah. To Muslims who themselves are not terrorists and who are as horrified by being branded as such–may your outrage against Islamism empower you to take your religion back and to help it evolve into the 21st century. To the atheists and secularists: Have a fine old Pagan time of it.

Pajamas Media appreciates your comments that abide by the following guidelines:

1. Avoid profanities or foul language unless it is contained in a necessary quote or is relevant to the comment.

2. Stay on topic.

3. Disagree, but avoid ad hominem attacks.

4. Threats are treated seriously and reported to law enforcement.

5. Spam and advertising are not permitted in the comments area.

The clause regarding "hate speech" has been deleted because readers criticized it as being too loosely defined. We agreed.

These guidelines are very general and cannot cover every possible situation. Please don't assume that Pajamas Media management agrees with or otherwise endorses any particular comment. We reserve the right to filter or delete comments or to deny posting privileges entirely at our discretion. If you feel your comment was filtered inappropriately, please email us at story@pajamasmedia.com.

20 Comments

1. Fern Sidman:

It seems to me that both the right-winger who had issues with your piece on Madoff and the left-wing “peace-nik”, enemy loving Rabbi, both have severe anger issues in general.

In order to slake their desire to spew forth venom, they have chosen Dr. Chesler as their target. I’m not implying that their arguments are vacuous or lack ideological conviction, but to embark on an incessant harrassment campaign speaks volumes about them.

Truth is: What you said in your Madoff piece revealed that indeed you learned well from history and your predictions of collective punishment for all Jews because of the unabashed “greed” of Madoff is all too true. The hatred evolves slowly and will rise to the surface faster than we can imagine.

As to your piece in The Jewish Press on Rabbi Lau, it is quite true that your interpretation of his call for Jewish unity was right on the mark. Rabbi Lau is a Rodeph Shalom, (a pursuer of peace) and an Ohev Yisroel and his record illustrates that he stands in the forefront of promoting understanding of diversity, of tolerance FOR ALL JEWS, irrespective of their religious affiliation.

The pablum puking left wing “rabbi” is riddled with guilt about being a Jew to begin with. The concept of the Jew being separate and apart from all other nations eats away at his soul. Every Motzei Shabbos when he utters the words at the Havdalah service, “HaMavdil Bein Yisroel L’Amim” (the difference between Israel and the other nations) he cringes inside.

Because he can’t swallow the idea of being part of a “Chosen nation”, his guilt prompts him to “love the enemy”, to show the Saudis and other baneful terrorists and haters of Israel that we actually love and understand them while they are sharpening their swords to cut our throats.

Sure, it is much easier to attack right-wing religious Jews at a fundraising dinner and label them the enemy. Because these Jews are proud of their Judaism, because they raise their voices in sincere prayer to the G-d of Israel and because they label the enemy as they ought to be labeled and live in the lbierated lands of Judea and Samaria and defend themselves against the onslaught of Islamic terrorism, it is they, according to the “rabbi” that cause the world to hate us. If only, these brave Jews would surrender their beliefs and transform themselves into rabid leftists as himself, then the “rabbi’s” guilt would be assauged and the whole world would love us.

Yeah, right, tell me another one.

Kudos to Dr. Chesler for speaking truth to power, for challenging the monolith of left-wingdom, for raising a lonely voice in the wilderness when it comes to revealing the truth about the pernicious objectives of hegemonic Islamic terrorists and for defending the rights of women against patriarchal violence. Her unfettered and compassionate voice is a light for all the nations.

Dec 24, 2008 - 2:15 pm 2. George Jochnowitz:

Keep up the good work, Phyllis. You are stronger than the rudeness that inevitably arises when opinions are expressed. Rudeness is a problem, but anti-Zionism and honor murders are greater problems. Fight the good fight.

Dec 24, 2008 - 3:06 pm 3. Iara Schimchak:

Dear Phyllis,

You are so important and dear to us!!

Pleas, do not let all this maddness harm you!!

I wish you a lot of harmony and peaceful days in your life.

Hugs,

Iara, from Sao Paulo, Brasil

Dec 24, 2008 - 3:09 pm 4. Sylvie7:

Rabbi Lau married two couples I know when he was a much younger person. Despite his awful childhood, he impressed me as a man who was so sensitive to people that he seemed to adapt himself to the people at each of these weddings. I remember being very impressed by him. How people can make anything negative out of a very important message to other Jews, orthodox or other wise, I cannot understand. Above all things, he seemed simply to like people and knew how to communicate. Why do we have to complicate simple messages from sincere people, especially one who has seen us during our worst moments.

Dec 24, 2008 - 3:18 pm 5. Melody Caine Bier:

Dear Phyllis:
My husband and I would like to personally thank you for putting into words(and so eloquently!)exactly what we ourselves are feeling and experiencing. We are part of a small group(both Jews & non-Jews) who are part of S.F. Voice for Israel. We spend our Saturday afternoons standing up to Bay Area Women In Black(a group who demonizes Israel and all things Jewish.They feel all the problems of the world are cause by Israel and state their open desire to see it’s destruction as a Jewish state). The hatred that is spewed at us from the public and is the most vile always seems to come from fellow Jews who identify themselves as being left or liberal. This is so ironic for me as I am a “red-diaper” baby & was active in the civil rights, ant-war & women’s movement…but somehow, now that I stand up to defend Israel I am considered right-wing & a fascist! Many Jewish lesbians and gay men in our group have been vilified by the gay community and we all have lost many “friends” due to our defense of Israel. One week I was called a fascist & a Stalinist within 5 minutes by the same person!
We just want to tell you how much we admire you for your eloquence and your courage. Please keep on telling it like it is! There are so many of us that really look forward to your chronicles and even feel soothed by your righteous words. If you are ever in our neck of the woods we would be honored to meet you & hear you speak. Thank you, Happy Channukah and may you have a wonderful New Year.
Sincerely,
Melody & Ron Bier

Dec 24, 2008 - 3:26 pm 6. Marion L.:

Dear Dr. Chesler:

As you well know, we have not always agreed on every issue. However, I am angered and appalled that anyone would threaten you and harass you in the manner described in this blog.

You deserve far better treatment because you raise important questions about human rights in general and women’s human rights in particular. Again, we don’t always agree on specific areas of policy, but I am always grateful to you for your willingness to raise the questions and to be an actively engaged public intellectual and public citizen; as well as a veteran second-wave feminist.

Happy Chanukah,

Marion L.

Dec 24, 2008 - 3:41 pm 7. Fred Mecklenburg:

The nice thing about private life, as opposed to public: you can always just tell somebody who insists upon rudeness “I won’t be spoken to in that tone of voice.” It works for emailers too.

If that doesn’t calm them down, or make them more reasonable, then it may be time to cull your list of friends a bit. It is possible to disagree with someone, even heatedly, but still end up respecting their intelligence, tenacity, candor and even sincerity. Between friends this kind of respect and more should be a given.

Dec 24, 2008 - 4:14 pm 8. Cinnamon:

You know what they say, Phyllis: Don’t let the bast***s grind you down. And it’s best, with some friends, to keep politics out of the equation. If they insist on bringing it up or badgering you about your work, don’t take the bait. You’re not obligated. Take it from one who knows

Dec 24, 2008 - 4:18 pm 9. makabit:

I am fit to be tied. What in the world is going on with us as Jews? Your words have comforted me and affirmed the thoughts that I have had. My goal in life is to be a faithful Jew and I love all of my Jewish family. Now, I may not be loved by them but that is their problem. Keep speaking truth. Never stop. I love you!

Dec 24, 2008 - 4:23 pm 10. Wanda Henson:

Dear Phyllis,
You are a beloved, honourable, wise woman! I feel blessed to be your friend.

Peace and protection be with you and yours.

Dec 24, 2008 - 6:49 pm 11. Norman Simms:

Dear Phyllis

Martha and I join in sending you our best wishes for Hannukah: chag someach, Phyllis. But not just a “happy” holiday, also a hopeful celebration of Jewish strength, a strength that comes from standing for what is right and just. What is right and just is rarely (if ever) popular.

Norman

Dec 25, 2008 - 12:20 am 12. Marcia Pappas:

Phyllis, your greatest gift to the world is that you challenge us to think, to use our minds, to make the world a better place for everyone. Thank you for that wonderful gift.

Dec 25, 2008 - 5:12 am 13. MG:

Ms. Chesler,

I deeply regret that you have encountered the Mr. Hydes in a couple of Dr. Jekylls. Public personae oftentimes cover, and compensate for, inner savagery.

Their behavior is an external manifestation of their own inner lives. Pray for them. Weep for them. Just don’t interact with them if you can possibly avoid it.

Best regards,

Just another goy

Dec 25, 2008 - 12:18 pm 14. bbloom:

Hag Sameach!
One of the fisrt things I learned from my grandmother who fled the pograms of Czarist Russia is that percieved or actual “bad behavior” of any Jew was bound to be followed by collective hatred of all. You only pointed out a historical truth.
As for those who bemoan the imagined hardships of the “Palestinians”, perhaps they should walk a mile in Gilad Shalit’s parent’s shoes, or better yet spend time in Sderot.

Dec 25, 2008 - 6:03 pm 15. Judy, NYC:

i am so happy to see your articles and read them, always looking for a new one. yours, phyllis chessler, is a voice that speaks to so many of us. these days, there is not much air in the room given the smelly, rabid arguments that ensue whenever people speak their amygdalas.

my life long loved friends (the closest ones) have gone away, because we disagree. policy issues have become a fingerprint of our souls. all hairs stand up on end, for example, asap after the word jew is mentioned, even when its purpose is on behalf of jews (these days, most unusual). muslim, doesn’t have a chance.

every issue is complicated futher by its hardline believers who choose one strand out of the hundreds that define its complexity. unraveling some other part of it, only infuriates people.

having a normal (in its previous incarnation) discussion is impossible. and, friends feel closer to us. one of its privileges is to respond in a way others won’t. (the other is to open the refrigerator door).

we are all, it seems, speaking not from our heads, or even real knowledge of the issue, any issue. people say anything. its purely passion. go have a meaningful discussion from that part of the brain. good luck.

Dec 25, 2008 - 6:51 pm 16. When Friends Fight About Ideas | Ft. Hard Knox:

[...] my blog and website), that I might be wise to keep his number handy. I have taken his advice…Continue reading on Chesler Chronicles >> Close Bookmark and Share This Page Save to Browser Favorites / [...]

Dec 26, 2008 - 7:37 am 17. Sonia Nusenbaum:

What anger displays from those who share bread? What love from those at the same table? The many worlds that are each of us have much to say or hide from all too often even from, nay, especially from ourselves. As each of us as well a mirror for the other – distortions reflect not the truth sayer, the dedicated soldier sustaining us in times of madness with purpose to pluck those strings dormant to eventuate survival – our consciousness. Awareness –

In gratitude to you, Dr. Chesler, for being the voice that is singing, that revels in truth and dares to see and point to the emperors naked as sin – that child woman grown that has not melded into the hypocrisy and shielder from truth as so many have.

You serve humanity and for that we all who love you give you our collective gratitude, thanks and best wishes for Chanukah.

May the cherished light represented in Chanukah continue to guide you and we all blessed and the better for its generous revelations.

Dec 26, 2008 - 9:55 am 18. Greenconsciousness:

I am disgusted with the FBI. I know you probably feel grateful and cherish his card but really, anyone who loves you can see the truth.

Why don’t they go to the library computer in Oklahoma, get a warrant, find out WHO is sending FALSE COMPLAINTS and charge him with obstruction or something. OR put some undercover in his circle and find out what’s going on. I know that at least they have the name of the person making these complaints but that is a crime isn’t it? They had warnings of 9/11 and they did nothing. I wish I could feel secure that they do more than drugs and environmentalist harassment.

In any case, on Madoff being a Jew, so are the Harry and Jeanette Weinberg. Their foundation gives away 100 million every year to the poor. They are one of thousands of Jews doing the same, some who were wiped out by Madoff. Today on CNN People living at Ronald McDonnell House (housing families of children needing hospital treatment) thanked the Weinbergs. Every time Jew is connected to Madoff we should make sure Jew is connected to all the good they do in the world without making a profit from it.

Dec 27, 2008 - 11:54 am 19. Anna:

Ms. Chesler,

I have never posted a comment, but have read much of your work.

Thank you. You are a lone voice in the wilderness, speaking out with such integrity.

I hope you will be bestowed with many blessings in the New Year.

Dec 28, 2008 - 7:06 pm 20. Suchitra Sen:

Dear Ms. Chesler:

This is the first time I have read you. Found you by surfing thru PajamaMedia.
You seem to mirror my feelings coming from a Hindu perspective.

It is not often that a Hindu assert himself on an issue of relevance but whenever he does, the global media to labels him as a right winger, fascist and what not. There is a strong tradition of native Hindu intellectual discourse but since most of it is not in ‘English’, the issues are not considered important enough for the mainstream Indian media to cover.

The Indian media which is mostly in English speaks for the interest of the West, the Muslims, the Christians, the leftists, even the Communists but NOT for the Hindus. And guess who these journalists are? Almost all of them Hindus! ‘tamed’ by these same interest groups over a long period of time and different circumstances. At present a Hindu point of view or a Hindu issue is a taboo in the mainstream media thanks to these same gatekeeper Hindu sepoys. As an example, did you hear of any Hindu reaction to ‘Slumdog Millionaire’? It was after all a ‘great’ film about the ‘outrageous’ Hindus in India. There was, in India but not even the Indian press covered it. Can Jews top that? Seems like, the ‘H’ word is as much stigmatized by the press – silencing by indifference – as the ‘J’ word is hated by it.

The Hindu is an outcast in India. A billion strong and without a voice! This is the fate of a people without a sense of their own history who else to blame!! The solution is true knowledge of history and dialogue but who has the will and the time for such foolish endeavors.

Maybe people such as you can put some sense into my people and maybe we can do that for you, as it seems that we are more likely to listen to others than our own.
Come visit the Hindu India